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Filthy songs for nippers

Dwarf

LE
The Rajah of Astrakhan


There was a Rajah of Astrakhan, yo-ho yo-ho
A most licentious sod of a man, yo-ho yo-ho
Of wives he had a hundred and nine, including his favourite concubine
Yo-ho yer buggers yo-ho yer buggers yo-ho yo-ho yo-ho.

One day he had a hell of a stand, yo-ho yo-ho
and called to a warrior, one of his band, yo-ho yo-ho
Go down to the harem you lazy swine, go fetch my favourite concubine
Yo-ho yer buggers yo-ho yer buggers yo-ho yo-ho yo-ho.


Well the warrior fetched the concubine, yo-ho yo-ho
A figure like Venus, a face divine, yo-ho yo-ho
The Rajah gave a significant grunt, and shoved hisc0ck right up her c.unt
Yo-ho yer buggers yo-ho yer buggers yo-ho yo-ho yo-ho.


The maiden's cries were short and strong, yo-ho yo-ho
The Rajah's bellows were loud and long, yo-ho yo-ho
And just as their ride had reached a head, they both fell through the fukking bed,
Yo-ho yer buggers yo-ho yer buggers yo-ho yo-ho yo-ho.


Well they hit the ground with a hell of a dunt, yo-ho yo-ho
And completely buggered the poor girl's c.unt, yo-ho yo-ho
And as for thr Rajah's magnificent c0ck, it never recovered from the shock,
Yo-ho yer buggers yo-ho yer buggers yo-ho yo-ho yo-ho.


Well there is a morale to this tale, yo-ho yo-ho
There is a morale to this tale, yo-ho yo-ho
If you should try a girl at all, stick her up against the wall.
Yo-ho yer buggers yo-ho yer buggers yo-ho yo-ho yo-ho.
 
Doe Ray Me

Joe’s a queer, a female queer
Ray’s a feed of fcuking sh!t
Me, myself I’m over here
Far, a long way from my pit
So I think I’ll pull my tool
La’s a scouse from Liverpool
Tea, I’d rather have a beer
That brings us back to Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe



Where Do You Go To My Lovely?

You look like Lassie with acne
You dance like Biffo the bear
Your clothes are all made by Bernards
And you’ve lice and spunk in your hair
And up your back, you know you’re slack

So where do you go to my lovely?
When you’re alone in your pit
Tell me the thoughts that surround you
When you’re having a spine shattering sh!t

You live in a fancy compartment
On one of Her Majesty’s ships
With four hundred and twenty young fisheads
Each one of them gives you the shits
Yes they do…

Your name is heard in high places
You know the buffer quite well
He gave you a dildo for Christmas
You use it for ringing the bell
Yes you do, ding-a-ling

Do you remember the Embassy party?
I recall that you caused quite a stir
Sliding down the banister
With your p!ss flaps going brrr brrr
Brrr brrr, brrr brrr

I remember the back streets of Gosport
Your arse hole all gaping and wide
I remember I popped my head in
And the rest of the mess was inside
Playing draughts for a laugh
Ha ha, ha ha

I remember the back streets of Naples
The children all begging in rags
I remember you stole all their money
For a pint and a packet of fags
Yes you did, half a quid

I know where you go to my lovely
When you’re alone in your pit
I know the thoughts that surround you
‘cos I know that you’re full of sh!t


My Favourite Things

Big tits and little tits and muffs with no hair on
Pink frilly knickers, getting caught with a hard on
Wanking and spanking, being tied up with string
These are a few of my favourite things

When my balls ache, when my ring stings
When I’m feeling sad
I simply remember my favourite things
And then I don’t feel so sad

Transvestites and perverts all dressed in white satin
Five dollar whores and girls from Prestatyn
Seedy Motel rooms all filled with smoke rings
These are a few of my favourite things

Big tits and little tits, and ones with pert nipples
WRENS with fat faces all covered in dimples
Small tits that stand up and big ones that swing
These are a few of my favourite things

WRAFS and Welshmen who wear rubber wellies
Girls in French knickers, and slags from New Delhi
Bras and suspenders and tassels that swing
These are a few of my favourite things

Groping and stroking old maids in the parlour
Licking the milkmaid whilst wanking the farmer
Shagging a cockerel whilst clipping its wings
These are a few of my favourite things

Tip socks and gust locks and static vent covers
Greenies and Pinkies and Bombheads and Grubbers
Gossamer Durex and hot sweaty minge
These are a few of my favourite things

When my balls ache, when my ring stings
When I’m feeling sad
I simply remember my favourite things
And then I don’t feel so sad


Big tits and little tits and little tits and big tits
Little tits and big tits and big tits and little tits
Little tits that wobble and big tits that swing
These are a few of my favourite things
 

Lunch

Swinger
There was a young man from kentuckit.
Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
As he came on his chin.
He said with a grin.
If my ear was a cnut I could fack it.
 
ExINASty said:
Trooper914

re. Magic Moments

One verse is


We walked in the park,
and just for a lark,
we trampled the flowers,
She lay on her back,
I tickled her crack,
for hours and hours,
Magic moments, etc....


Magic Moments

I’ll never forget the smell of the sweat from under her armpits
It wasn’t the grass that tickled her arse but my little finger

Magic moments, when two hearts are sharing
Magic moments, filled with love

I’ll never forget the brownhatter I met on waterloo station
He gave me a chew, I’ll do it for you, oh what a sensation

Remember the night I fell in the shite with me brand new suit on
The one that I got for selling the lot of me Embassy coupons

Just for a laugh I went down the park and pissed on the flowers
And sat on a rock and played with my c0ck for hours and hours

Magic moments, when two hearts are sharing
Magic moments, filled with love

We went to the sea, I knew it would be a time of emotion
We laid on the sand my prick in your hand, I pissed in the ocean

We went for a ride, side by side, we developed a wobble
We fell on the grass I played with your arse, you gave me a gobble
 
My sister Belinda
pissed out of the window
all over my best sombrero.

Sorry, cant' remember the name of the tune
but it goes:.........da da dada daa da
da da dada daa da
da dada da da dadada
 
Jew girl, Jew girl give me your answer, do
I'm so crazy I was circumcised just for you
I can't afford a carriage, a cattle truck will do
But you'd look sweet sat on the seat
Of a gas chamber made for two
 
To the tune of Yesterday by some scouser no hopers

Leprosyeeeeeeeeeeee
I've got pieces falling off of me
I'm only half the man i used to be
Oh i believe in leprosy

Syphillis
It all started with a little kiss
Now it hurts me when i have a p1ss
Oh i believe in syphillis


Sure there are some more out there

Edited due to nanny spell checker
 

Potential

Old-Salt
rockhoppercrab said:
To the tune of Yesterday by some scouser no hopers

Leprosyeeeeeeeeeeee
I've got pieces falling off of me
I'm only half the man i used to be
Oh i believe in leprosy

Syphillis
It all started with a little kiss
Now it hurts me when i have a p1ss
Oh i believe in syphillis


Sure there are some more out there

Edited due to nanny spell checker

Laryngectomy....
(pretend to sing without making a sound)
 
not a rhym but a kevin bloody wilson song that in my humble opinion all kids should be singing round the festive period

Quite often I get a thinking
How as kids we got by
Like christmas time in our house
We couldn't even afford a fire

But we made do in our house
Back then when I was young
Dad used to suck a peppermint
And we'd all sit round his tongue

We couldn't afford no tinsel
On our christmas tree
So we'd just wheel old grandad in
And make the old cunt sneeze...atchoo

Wheel him round the other side granny...atchoo

Well things change so bloody fast
I got children now of me own
Now I heard 'em unwrap their presents
Last night when I got home

Santa claus you cunt
Where's my fucking bike
I've unwrapped all this other junk
There's nothing what i like

I've wrote you a letter
And i've come to see you twice
You geriatric wanker
Where's my fucking bike

If i wanted a pair of fucking shoes
I would've fucking asked
This cowboy suit and ping-pong set
You can stick right up your arse

You went and mucked my order up
It's enough to make you spew
It's not just me that's pissed off
My sister's cheesed off too

Santa claUs you cunt
Where's my fucking pram
You promised me you fucking cunt
You know who I am

'Cos I'm the little girl
You made sit right on your hand
Never mind your ho ho ho
Where's my fucking pram

Next time i go to see him
I'm gonna punch him in the guts
Set his fucking reindeer loose
Kick rudolf in the nuts

Just you wait til next year
'Til we get to that store
A mate of my little sister
'll come stomping through that door

Hey mums and dads just check his breath
And watch his bloodshot eyes
Don't listen to him boys and girls
'Cos he tells fucking lies

He's a pisstake and a pervert
He's not even fucking bright
'Cos that fucking wanker
Forgot my fucking bike

Hey santa claus you cunt
Where's my fucking bike
I've unwrapped all this other junk
There's nothing what I like

I wrote you a fucking letter
And I came to see you twice
You geriatric wanker
Forgot my fucking bike

Yeah I'm gonna tell my dad on you
Fucking punch your head in....cunt
I saw mummy sucking santa
 

Flashman07

War Hero
Chelsea FC they had a reputation
For smashing up a station on the southern region
2,000 West Ham
They set a deadly ambush
The only Chelsea fan who stayed was green away, green away
He tried to take us alone
We left him laying in a pool of blood
And laughed about it all the way home

Up you arrse
Up your arrse
Stick the blue flag up your arrse
From stamford bridge to Upton Park
We'll stick the blue flag up your arrse
 
In days of old there lived a maid,
She was mistress of her trade,
A prostitute of high repute,
The Harlot of Jerusalem.

chorus:
Hi Ho Cathusalem,
Cathusalem, Cathusalem,
Hi Ho Cathusalem,
The harlot of Jerusalem.

And though she fucked for many a year,
Of pregnancy she had no fear,
She washed her passage out with beer,
The best in all Jerusalem.

Now in a hovel by the wall,
A student lived with but one ball,
Who'd been though all, or nearly all,
The harlots of Jerusalem.

His phallic art was lean and tall,
His phallic art caused all to fall,
And victims lined the wailing wall,
That goes around Jerusalem.

One night returning from a spree,
With customary whore-lust he,
Made up his mind to call and see,
The Harlot of Jerusalem.

It was for her no fortune good,
That he should need to root his pud,
And choose her out of all the brood,
Of harlots in Jerusalem.

For though he paid his women well,
This syphilitic spawn of hell,
Struck down each year and tolled the bell,
For ten harlots of Jerusalem.

Forth from the town he took the slut,
For 'twas his whim always to rut,
By the Salvation Army hut,
Outside of Old Jerusalem.

With artful eye and leering look,
He took out from its filthy nook,
His penis twisted like a crook,
The Pride of Old Jerusalem.

He leaned the whore against the slum,
And tied her at the knee and bum,
Knowing where the strain would come,
Upon the fair Cathusalem.

He seized the harlot by the bum,
And rattling like a Lewis gun,
He sowed the seed of many a son,
Into the fair Cathusalem.

It was a sight to make you sick,
To hear him grunt so fast and quick,
While grinding with his crooked prick,
The womb of fair Cathusalem.

Then up there came an Onanite,
With warty prick besmeared with shite,
He'd sworn that he would goal that night,
The harlot of Jerusalem.

He loathed the art of copulation,
For his delight was masturbation,
And with a spurt of cruel elation,
He saw the whore Cathusalem.

So when he saw the grunting pair,
With roars of rage he rent the air,
And vowed that he would soon take care,
Of the harlot of Jerusalem.

Upon the earth he found a stick,
To which he fastened half a brick,
An took a swipe at the mighty prick
Of the student of Jerusalem.

He seized the bastard by his crook,
With a single furious look,
And flung him over Kedrun's brook,
That babbles past Jerusalem.

The student gave a furious roar,
And rushed to even up the score,
And with his swollen prick did bore,
The cunt of fair Cathusalem.

And reeling full of rage and fight,
He pushed the bastard Onanite,
And rubbed his face in Cathy's shite,
The foulest in Jerusalem.

Cathusalem she knew her part,
She closed her cunt and blew a fart,
That sent him flying like a dart,
High above Old Jerusalem.

And buzzing like a bubble bee,
He flew straight out towards the sea,
But caught his arsehole in a tree,
That grows in Old Jerusalem.

And to this day you still can see,
His arsehole hanging from that tree,
Let that to you a warning be,
When passing through Jerusalem.

And when the moon is bright and red,
A castrated form sails overhead,
Still raining curses on the head,
Of the harlot of Jerusalem.

As for the student and his lass,
Many a playful night did pass,
Until she joined the V.D. class,
For harlots of Jerusalem.
 
Remember between phases of an exercise on Brecon a half-dozen of us being non-tac overnight pending the MTO briefing us for next day's tasks.

So we got a fire going and it ended up with a bit of a sing-song. An old Coldstreamer was singing the Harlot of Jerusalem, and a couple of verses on there was a bit of a stampede of sheep. They came over the top of a hill and were heading straight at us and then stopped dead about 30 yards away.

Never seen sheep behave that way before of since - we put it down to the sheep being on a visit from Pirbright Green and recognised his voice. Also speculation that they may have been family.
 

Blizzard99

Clanker
THE LOBSTER SONG
Melody—The Chisholm Trail

"Oh, mister fisherman, home from the sea,
Have you got a lobster you will sell to me?"

Chorus: Singing ai-tiddly-ai, shit or bust,
Never let your bullocks dangle in the dust.

"Yes sir, yes sir, I have three,
And the biggest of the bastards I will sell to thee."

So I took the lobster home, but I couldn't find a dish,
So I put the f***ing lobster where the missus has a pi**.

In the middle of the night, as you well know,
The missus got up to have a heave ho.

Well, first there came a groan, and then there came a grunt,
And the bloody lobster grabbed her by the c***.

The missus grabbed the brush, and I grabbed the broom,
And we chased the f***ing lobster round and round the room.

We hit it on the head, we hit it on the side,
We hit that f***ing lobster till the bastard died.

Oh, the story has a moral, and this is it,
Always have a look before you take a shit.

That's the end of my story, there isn't any more,
There's an apple up my asshole, and you can have the core.

Down in Nagasaki the monkey f***ed the cat,
And all the cat could do was f*** the monkey back.

MASTURBATION SONG

(To "Funiculi, Funicula")

Last night I stayed up late and masturbated,
It felt so good, I knew it would.
Last night I stayed up late to masturbate,
It felt so nice, I did it twice.
You should have seen me on the short strokes,
It felt so grand, I used my hand,
And you should have seen me on the long strokes,
It felt so neat, I used my feet.
Shake it, break it, beat it on the floor,
Smash it, bash it, thrust it through the door,
Some people seem to think that fornication's grand,
But for all-around enjoyment, I prefer to use my hand!



ME NO LIKEY BLITISH SAILOR

A brave young soldier lad called geordie
Is the hero of my song
He crossed the sea to serve his country
Went to serve out in hong kong
His wife he’d left behind in gateshead
And soon his heart began to long
For the company of a female
Though he knew that this was wrong
He crossed the harbour on a ferry
Took a rickshaw to wan chai
And in a dimly lighted bar there
A slant eyed maiden did appear
Coca cola for this maiden at 200 he did buy
But when he asked her for favours
He was greeted with this cry:

Me no like you Blitish sailor
Me no like you men of war
Me no like you Blitish sailor
Yankee pay 5 dollars more

Yankee call me honey baby
Blitish call me flucking whore (flucking whore)
Me no like you Blitish sailor
Yankee pay 5 dollars more

Yankee tap upon my window
Blitish break the flucking door (flucking door)
Me no like you Blitish sailor
Yankee pay 5 dollars more

Yankee bling me sweet led roses
Blitish bling me sleet fluck all (sweet fluck all)
Me no like you Blitish sailor
Yankee pay 5 dollars more

Yankee fuck me on the sofa
Blitish fuck me on the floor (on the floor)
Me no like you Blitish sailor
Yankee pay 5 dollars more

Yankee leaving on next friday
Blitish stay for evermore.
Me no like you Blitish sailor
Yankee pay 5 dollars more


Songs from my childhood in Malaysia, fantastic stuff the expats sing! :D
 
Anonymous said:
I've taught my kids a little self-composed ditty:

"Hip hip hooray for Daddy,
He's such a super chap,
all the other Daddies are,
a load of fücking crap!"

I've just had a collosal b*ll*cking for getting the snappers to duet this one to their mum, whilst I was giggling like a schoolie with wet knickers.

Anyway,

Rule Britannia,
Marmalade and jam,
Five chinese crackers up your arrsehole,
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!
 

phil245

LE
Book Reviewer
The cuckoo is a funny bird, It sits in the grass,
with it's wings neatly folded and it's beak up it's arse.
in this strange position it just says" Twit twit"
cos it's hard to say "cuckoo" with abeak full of shit.
 
Sung to the tune the red flag

Twas high upon Gibraltar fair ,
I saw a maiden lying there,
And as she lay in sweet repose,
A gust of wind blew up her clothes.

A sailor who was passing by,
he tipped his cap and winked his eye,
But then he saw to his dispair,
she had the red flag flying there.

The working class can kiss my arse
I've got the coxwains job at last.
I'm out of work and on the dole
you can shove the red flag up your hole.
 

Negligent-Discharge

LE
Book Reviewer
My kids love this one when the ice-cream van comes round playing this tune;

I'm Popeye the sailor man
I live in a caravan
I sleep with my Granny
and tickle her fanny
I'm Popeye the sailor man
 
Heres a few i can remember as a youth

Hey diddle diddle
The cat had a piddle
All over the bathroom floor
The little dog laughed to see such fun
So the cat did a little bit more

--------------------------------

Puff the magic dragon lived on a shelf
He had no one to fiddle with
So he fiddled with himself
He found himself a girlfriend, but that was not enough
He got himself a boyfriend now thats why he's called "Puff"

---------------------------------

What do you do when you want to do a poo,
In an English Country Garden?
Pull down your pants and suffocate the ants,
In an English Country Garden.
Go find a leaf to wipe your underneath,
In an English Country Garden.
Roll it in a ball and throw it over the wall,
In an English Country Garden.
Run for your life 'cos it hit the Vicar's wife,
In an English Country Garden.
 

PANZER_SOLDAT

Old-Salt
DIESOCAN said:
Slightly off topic, but...

Hymns which have amusing lines:

All Things Bright and Beautiful - "The purple headed mountain"

Morning Has Broken - Substituted with - "Foreskin has Broken" 8O

The lines were usually followed with crafty looks and outright laughter during school assemblies when I was a nipper. In addition to the giggling was the need to sing those particular lines at twice the volume of the rest of the hymn.

The purple headed mountain, that still gets me everytime
 

Negligent-Discharge

LE
Book Reviewer
... Anyone remember this? "There was an old lady of 92, parlez-vous, did a fart and off it flew, inky-pinky parlez-vous" etc. etc. With thanks to Padre M. from RAF Lossiemouth many years ago.
 
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