Filthy songs for nippers

[Friction_Burns]

One dark and stormy night
The farmer's dog went out to shite,
the wind blew and the skitter flew,
it cut the poor dog's arse in two.


Then there's....
On the first day of christmas
My true love gave to me
a 4skin full of VD
etc etc

 

[telecaster]

Anyone remember the Alouetta song? I can only remember a bit so if anyone can fill me in I would be grateful.

OOOOOOOh Alouetta gentile Alouetta,
Alouetta xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
How I love your broken nose,
How I love your broken nose
Your broken nose, your broken nose,
OOOOOOOOh Alouetta etc.
How I love your big fat lips, your big fat lips
your broken nose etc.

The list was quite extensive, broken nose, big fat lips, hairy chest, bloodshot eyes ,
Got any more? it's going to bug me for weeks now.

Your threpenny bits; your grumble & grunt...

 

[29072010]

ooooooh Dick fell out the window the window the window dick fell out the windoooooooowwww and landed on his............ Dick fell out the window....

Hitler has only got one ball, the other is the albert hall, his mother, the stupid bugger, chucked it at the apple tree, then it landed in the deep blue sea, and all the fishes, were having scollops and bollocks for tea!!

 

[The_Chodfather]

One we used to drunkenly sing in our younger days.

"Me Bruvvers in Borstal, Me Sisters got pox,
Me Muvvers a whore on the Liverpool docks,
Me Uncle's a bastard, Me Auntie's a slag,
The Yorkshire Ripper's me dad, nah nah nah, nah nah, nah nah nah......"

 

[Lewis]

(to the tune Jesus Christ, superstar)

Jesus Christ....Superstar
went round the corner on his Yamaha.
Did a skid,
killed a kid,
crushed his balls on a dustbin lid.

Thats reminded me of one my dad told me about a year ago, but unfortunately I can only remember the first verse.

(NOTE- This was sang kneeling on a pub table, shoes under knees, with arms pulled into his shirt , only his hands poking out near his shoulders...)

'Jesus Christ, so tender and mild,
Why was I born a phalidomide child?'

My step dad told me this when i was about 7 he doesnt support Villa.
Jesus Christ superstar supports Aston villa and wears a bra!

 

[Palmbay]

Slightly modified version:

The Alcoholics Curse

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
By the f**king ugly slapper sleeping by my side.
I would have drunk a little less, I would have tried to keep my head,
If I'd known for just one second, you'd assault me in your bed.

I tried to go, walk out the door.
But you've been sitting on my legs and I can't feel them anymore.
And now you're sitting on my face, my nose has vanished - not a trace.
I hope that dark patch on your knickers is the shadow of my face

I have to go, I've got to leave.
Before your fat and naked body makes me double up and heave.
Only hope that no one saw, me walking home with such a one.
God the things that you get up to when you're drunk and having fun

I can't believe, I'm lying here.
It's all because I drank that evil shit, that we call beer.
You can Sod your bleary eyes, God I must have been half blind,
To mistake that Zepplin arse, for a sexy young behind.

Please let me go, I'm getting scared.
There's nothing I can do to stop those ugly breasts from being bared.
I think that I must have been mad, can’t think what I must have seen,
With tits that look like onion bags, with a face that looks obscene.

It's time to go, run out the door.
She's started hinting that she wants me on her kitchen lino floor.
I think there can’t be much that’s worse, than the alcoholics curse,
Just can’t hold myself together for another f**king verse!

 

[Unknown_Quantity]

The first time I met her
I met her in white
All in white, all in white
She looked a fucking sight
Down in the valley where nobody goes

The next time I met her
I met her in pink
All in pink, all in pink
She made my finger stink
Down in the valley where nobody goes

The next time I her
I met her in black
All in black, all in black
I shoved it up her crack
Down in the valley where nobody goes

The next time I met her
I met her in blue
All in blue, all in blue
She said a babies due
Down in the valley where nobody goes

The next time I met her
I met her in red
All in red, all in red
She said the babies dead
Down in the valley where nobody goes

The next time I met her
I met her in yellow
All in yellow, all in yellow
She was being fucked by another fellow
Down in the valley where nobody goes

The last time I met her
I met her in check,
All in check, all in check
I wrung her fcuking neck,
Down in the valley where nobody goes

We added....

The final time I saw her,
And she'd passed away
passed away, passed away,
But I fucked her anyway
Down in the valley where nobody goes

 

[Toasted_Giant]

"Hey diddle diddle,
The cat did a piddle.
All over the bathroom mat.
The little dog laughed to see such fun,
And piddled all over the cat."

 

[rocklobber]

Old i know, still good though.

Little Miss Muffit sat on a Tuffit,
Her knickers all tattered and torn,
It wasn't a spider that sat down beside her,
But little boy blue with the horn!

My kids can't talk yet but when they can............

 

[AAGF]

She stood on the bridge at midnight,
Picking blackheads from her crutch
She said Sir, I've never 'ad it
I said No, not fcukin' much!

She stood on the bridge at midnight,
Throwing snowballs at the moon.
She said Sir, I've never 'ad it
But she spoke too fcukin' soon!

 

[phaserrifle]

I wonder if anybody remembers this, sung on the school bus;
"he landed on the runway like a lump of strawberry jam
he landed on the runway like a lump of strawberry jam
he landed on the runway like a lump of strawberry jam
And he ain't gonna jump no more

Glory glory Hallelujah
Teacher hit me with a ruler
Father hit me with a walking stick
And he ain't gonna jump no more"

jonny was a parachuter in the RAF
in the RAF
in the RAF
jonny was a parachuter in the RAF
but he ain't gonna jump no more

(chorus)
glory glory what a hell of a way to die
suspended by your braces in the middle of the sky
with a bullet up your backside and an arrow in your eye
and he ain't gonna jump no more

He jumped out of the plane at thirty thousand feet
thirty thousand feet
thirty thousand feet
he jumped out of the plane at thirty thousand feet
but he ain't gonna jump no more

(chorus)

he hit the ground flying at 90 miles an hour
90 miles an hour
90 miles an hour
he hit the ground flying at 90 miles an hour
and he ain't gonna jump no more

(chorus)

they scraped him off the tarmac like a lump of strawberry jam
a lump of strawberry jam
a lump of strawberry jam
they scraped him off the tarmac like a lump of strawberry jam
and he ain't gonna jump no more

(chorus)

they put him in a shoebox and they sent him home to mum
sent him home to mum
sent him home to mum
they put him in a shoebox and they sent him home to mum
and he ain't gonna jump no more

 

[craiglxviii]

An engineer told me before he died,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
An engineer told me before he died,
I have no reason to believe he lied

Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum.

He told me of a girl with a cnut so wide.
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
He told me of a girl with a cnut so wide,
She could never be satisfied

Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum.

The engineer was a designer,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
The engineer was a designer,
Measured the bore of her vagina,

Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum.

So he built her a prick of steel,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
So he built her a prick of steel
It was driven by a bloody great wheel,

Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum.

Two glass balls he filled with cream,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
Two glass balls he filled with cream,
And the whole issue was powered by steam.

Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum.

He tied her feet to the leg of the bed,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
He tied her feet to the leg of the bed,
Tied her hands above her head,

Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum.

There she lay demanding a fcuk,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
There she lay demanding a fcuk,
He shook her hand and wished her luck,

Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum.

So in and out went the prick of steel,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
So in and out went the prick of steel,
Round and round went the bloody great wheel

Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum.

Down and down went the level of cream.
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
Down and down went the level of the cream,
UP and UP went the pressure of the steam!

Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum.

Then at last this maid did cry,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
Then at last this maid did cry,
ENOUGH ENOUGH, I'M SATISFIED!

Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum.

Now there comes the tragic bit,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
Now there comes the tragic bit,
There was no way of stopping it,

Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum.

It went like the piston of a train,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
It went in like the piston of a train,
He should have fitted a timing chain,

Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum.

Clouds of steam blew out the top,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
Clouds of steam blew out the top,
There wasn't a way to make it stop,

Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum.

She was split from arrse to tit,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
She was split from arrse to tit,
The whole place was covered in sh1t

Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum.

It jumped off her, it jumped on him,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
It jumped off her, it jumped on him,
And then it buggred his next of kin,

Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum.

It jumped on a uptown bus,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
It jumped on an uptown bus,
And the mess it made caused quite a fuss

Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum.

And the last time, Sir, that thing was seen,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
The last time, Sir, that thing was seen,
Was in Buckingham Palace fcuking the Queen

Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum.

Nine months later a child was born,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
Nine months later a child was born,
FRANKENSTEIN WITH A CHROMIUM HORN!

Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum.

The warning in the story is,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
The warning in the story is,
Always fit a safety switch

Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum.

The crux of the matter is plain to be seen,
Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
The crux of the matter is plain to be seen,
You should never trust a F*CKING MACHINE!

 

[craiglxviii]

The Bricklayer's Lament

Dear Sir I write this note to inform you of my plight
And at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight
My body is all black and blue, my face a deathly gray
I write this note to tell why Paddy's not at work today

While working on the fourteenth floor, some bricks I had to clear
And to throw them down from off the top seemed quite a good idea
But the gaffer wasn't very pleased, he was an awful sod
He said I had to cart them down the ladder in me hod.

Well clearing all those bricks by hand, it seemed so very slow
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below
But in my haste to do the job, I was too blind to see
That a barrel full of building bricks is heavier than me.

So when I had untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead
And clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead
I took off like a rocket and to my dismay I found
That half way up I met the bloody barrel coming down.

Well the barrel broke my shoulder as on to the ground it sped
And when I reached the top I banged the pulley with me head
I held on tight, though numb with shock from this almighty blow
And the barrel spilled out half its load fourteen floors below

Now when those building bricks fell from the barrel to the floor
I then outweighed the barrel so I started down once more
I held on tightly to the rope as I flew to the ground
And I landed on those building bricks that were scattered all
around.

Now as I lay there on the deck I thought I'd passed the worst
But when the barrel reached the top, that's when the bottom burst
A shower of bricks came down on me, I knew I had no hope
In all of this confusion, I let go the bloody rope.

The barrel being heavier, it started down once more
And landed right on top of me as I lay on the floor
It broke three ribs and my left arm, and I can only say
That I hope you'll understand why Paddy's not at work today.

 

[craiglxviii]

Just two songs that daddy used to sing me to sleep with at night...

 

[VANDAMME]

I found it most theraputic to wean the youngsters onto filthy songs and lyrics by breaking them in gently with a few renditions of Roy "Chubby" Brown's Im a Cnut Im a cnut, im a big fat sweaty cnut

Followed by you fat bstard, you fat bstard,you fat bstard

 

[happybonzo]

The Wild West Show and The Harlot of Jerusalem were my daughter's favourites. She tried to sing the Harlot at Primary so an interview without coffee followed for Mrs B: So that was a bit of a result


edit: mong spelling

 

[Jimmy_Green]

Heard this at a hockey tournament...nearly took offence then just laughed beer out of my nose

I don't want to join the army
I don't want to go to war
I'd rather hang around
Picadilly Underground
Living off the earnings of a high class lady
oh
I don't a bayonet up me arrsehole
I don't want me bollox shot away
I rather hang around
Picadilly underground
And fornicate me fcuking life away

genius

The version I learnt...

I don't want to join the Army
I don't want to go to war
I'd rather hang around Picadilly underground
Living off the earnings of a high born lady
I don't want a bayonet up me arrsehole
I don't want my bollox shot away
I'd rather stay in England, in merry merry England
And fornicate my fcuking life away

On Monday night I touched her on the ankle
On Tuesday night I touched her on the knee
On Wednesday night success, I lifted up her dress
On Thursday night, oh Lord gor blimey
On Friday night I had my hand upon it
On Saturday she gave my balls a squeeze
On Sunday after supper, I rammed the fcuker up her
And now I'm paying seven and six a week.

 

[Jimmy_Green]

Chorus

Dinah, Dinah show us your leg,
Show us your leg,
Show us your leg
Dinah, Dinah show us your leg
A yard above the knee

A rich girl wears a brassiere
A poor girl uses string
But Dinah uses nothing at all
She lets the bastards swing

Ch

A rich girl has a ring of gold
A poor girl one of brass
The only ring that Dinah has
Is the one around her arrse

Ch

A rich girl uses a sanitary towel
A poor girl uses a sheet
Dinah uses nothing at all
Leaves a trail all down the street

Ch

A rich girl uses Vaseline
A poor girl uses lard
But Dinah uses axel grease
Because her cnut's so hard

Ch

There may be other verses but I can't remember them just now.

 

[Jimmy_Green]

Two Little Boys

Two little boys had two little toys
Each had a rubber doll
Gaily they played, each summer’s day
Queers both of course
One little chap had a mishap
Broke off his dolly’s dick
Wept for his toy, then cried with joy
When along came his mate Nick

Do you think I would leave you crying
When there’s room on my doll for two
Climb up here Joe and shag his arse off
And I’ll give the b@stard a chew
When we grow up we’ll both be Kai-Tai’s
And our dollies will not be toys
And I wonder if we’ll remember
When we were two dodgy boys

Long years passed, AIDS came so fast
Slowly he wastes away
Bed pans clang loud in the mad crowd
Withered and dying lay
Up goes a shout, a nurse dashes out
Out from the ranks so white
Legged it away to where Joe lay
This is what he heard that night

Did you think I would leave you dying
When there’s room on your bed for two
I’ll climb up there Joe, you’ll soon be dying
‘Cos I gave the b@stard to you
Can you see Joe, I’m all a tremble
Perhaps it’s the bed pan noise
And I’m sure it’s that I remember
When we were two dodgy boys

 

[Jimmy_Green]

Puff the Magic Dragon

Puff the magic dragon lived by the sea
And trollyed all the smally boys in a land called Pompey
Little jolly Jack Tar loved that rascal puff
And bought him lots of baby oil and other fancy stuff

Once a pure white virgin lived by the sea
She frolicked over the pastoral field, her name Virginity
A sweet young lass of sixteen, a rosebud ripe and firm
She wandered over the verdant hills not knowing of the sperm

Well Puff the magic dragon lived not far away
His c0ck was damn near two feet long
He poked one twice a day
He was a Pompey matelot with vest and pinstriped shirt
He rode a dockyard bicycle, the sexy extrovert

One day while she was roaming round the dockyard ships
He spied her bending over there, that bitch with swinging hips
He jumped right off his bicycle and grabbed her by the arse
He tore off all her clothing and left her in the grass

Her maidenhead was busted, the ground run bloody red
He poked her till the twilight came, then took her home to bed
He poked her till the sun rose, she begged for more and more
He turned that pure Virginity into a goddamned whore

Christ the magic Christian lived by the sea
And frolicked in the Autumn mists in a land called Galilee
His mother was a virgin his father was a Jew
If you had a family tree like that they’d crucify you too