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Filthy songs for nippers

I was in the car with my boys the other day.

My wife has seen fit to buy one of those nursery rhyme tapes and it’s been annoying the sh-it out of me. Half a dozen out of work actors putting on cockney accents that Dick Van Dyke would be ashamed of, before launching into timeless classics like “My Old Man.”

I’ve spent the last couple of days driving them about and trying to resist the almost superhuman urge to replace the lyrics with some that I learnt at Old Trafford during my formative years. Every time the ivories get tinkled on the intro to the popular ‘Get us through the blitz’ tune, I sing along under my breath.

“My Old Man said be a City fan
I said Fcuk off, b-ollocks you’re a c-unt.
I’d rather fcuk a bucket with a big hole in it
Than be a City fan for just one minute.”

Now I know that teaching your kids to swear is neither big nor clever, but I have fond memories of being a playground swear-word machine and I seem to remember one of the best ways to impress your mates as a child, was to convert the lyrics of a nursery rhyme or hymn to something that dealt with sex or bodily functions. I still remember the slaps on the back and roars of laughter every time I recited,

“My brother Billy had a ten foot willy,
He showed it to the lady next door.
She thought it was a snake,
So she hit it with a rake,
And now it’s only three foot four”

Attending a Catholic secondary school meant hymns every assembly. The simple substitution of ‘sh-ite’ for ‘light’ always reaped dividends. The line,

“The spirit comes to set us free, walk, walk, in the light” took on huge comedic value, especially with the chorus being,

“Walk in the light,
Walk in the light,
Walk in the light
Walk in the light of the lord”

So I’ve decided, fcuk the nice versions of these songs. I intend to furnish my lads with some 18+ lines to PG tunes. This will ensure playground popularity swiftly followed by official sanction. But that doesn’t matter. If my lads bubble me, I’ll just blame my wife, creating a fictitious forces background for her.

So come on ARRSERS, let’s have a few suggestions for tunes that will allow my lads to walk round Primary School like expletive soaked minstrels.


I've taught my kids a little self-composed ditty:

"Hip hip hooray for Daddy,
He's such a super chap,
all the other Daddies are,
a load of fücking crap!"

Which is very sweet when you hear it from the mouth of an adorable cute, blonde, two year old. Of course, the lovely Mrs chickenpunk is inclined to a different view, so I've taught them all to substitute the word 'flipping' when she's around.
"There is a green hill far away,
Without a city wall,
Where our dear Lord was crucified,
He died to save us all.

For...........He's a jolly good fellow,
He's a jolly good fellow,
He's a jolly good fellow,
And so say all of us!!!
Looking back to when we first met,
I cannot explain and i cannot forget,
Do me in the bum,
You still turn me on,
You can lick my hole again



Slightly off topic, but...

Hymns which have amusing lines:

All Things Bright and Beautiful - "The purple headed mountain"

Morning Has Broken - Substituted with - "Foreskin has Broken" 8O

The lines were usually followed with crafty looks and outright laughter during school assemblies when I was a nipper. In addition to the giggling was the need to sing those particular lines at twice the volume of the rest of the hymn.
I have a variety of Hymns on offer

A version of Away in a manger titled 'Approached by a stranger, and lured into bed'

A version of Little Donkey titled 'Little Honkey, little honkey with a rusty blade'


I seem to recall a hymn with the line "Verge of Jordan" in it - Pure Class

I'm going visual.... :lol:
Both the lads sing to their little sister when their mum's around

Go to sleep, go to sleep
Go to sleep little baby
Go to sleep in your bed
and have lovely dreams

When it's my stag, it's

Go to sleep, go to sleep
Shut your big bloodshot eyes
Your a dosser, your a duck
And we hope you don't wake up.


The one I can still remember way back from the mid 70’s is :

My ideal day is a day down at Grannies
Playing with her t*ts and stroking her fanny



Rolf Harris' Peg Leg Jake goes along the lines of:

My name is Jack,
I'm a necrophiliac
I like to fcuk dead people
And fill them full of semen

I get frustrated
When they get cremated
Burial's a must,
'Cos you can't fcuk dust!


War Hero
Mrs Legs wont even let me sing 'On Ilkley Moor' to young Miss Legs! How on earth is the girl to learn about her cultural heritage?!? :?
In a change from the norm, the song we belted out on the way back from today's school run was, to the tune of Jailhouse Rock

When I was young I had no sense
I caught my balls on a barbed wire fence
When I got home I had a shock
Only one ball and half my c-ock

Let's rock
Dance to the one spud rock
Everybody in the corner shop
Was laughing at my tiny c-ock
Some 30 years on from when they first heard it, my "kids" can still remember and sing about 'It wasn't the grass that tickled your arrse, it was my little finger'


Similar version to AFKAC's, although possibly more disturbing:

When I was young I had no sense
I caught my balls on a barbed wire fence
When I got home I had a shock
Only one ball and half my c-ock

Went to the doctor
He was a poof
Touched my balls and
He hit the roof

Oh Yeah!

(pose on the 'Oh Yeah!' is mandatory)
a better version of that scouse girl-mime-band dross:

Looking back to when we first met,
I cannot explain and i cannot forget,
Baby you're the one,
You still make me come,
You can fill my hole again...

and what about that all-time classic:

In 1986,
the queen pulled down her knicks.
She licked her bum,
and said "yum yum,
"it tastes like Weetabix"

This one's not so rude, but your kid won't understand it:

Catholic Girl's Prayer
O virgin mother, we believe -
that you without sin did conceive.
So tell us then, how thus believing,
We can sin without conceiving.
At bedtime, I taught them one of my faves to tell their mates tomorrow

Ee by gum, can your belly touch your bum
Can your t-its hang low can you tie them in a bow
If your d-ick can twang you can join our gang.

Any additional lines to this one gratefully received.


Book Reviewer
Story from 'a friend' who taught his little nephew that, due to european harmony and the EU, the magic word has changed from please to 'Now Bitch'

He is now leaving the country for his own safety.

and on a lighter note

Mary had a little lamb,
You've heard this tale before,
but did you know she passed her plate
and had a little more?


i always remember in the playground singing a bastardised version of scotland the brave that started

here comes the highland granny
two big t1ts and a hairy fanny....

but thats all i can recall


Spiderman spiderman, burnt his bum in a frying pan,
Can he fly can he heck, if he tries he'll break his neck,
Look out for the burnt bum spiderman.

We three kings of mersey square selling nickers tuppence a pair,
some are elastic, some are plastic and some are not fit to wear!

My lads know these!!!!!!!!!!!


War Hero
My old mans a dustman, he wears a dustmans cap,
He farted through the keyhole and paralysed the cat,
The dog ran up the chimney, he couldn't stand the smell,
The boy ran out the back door screaming Fcuking Hell!