I was in the car with my boys the other day. My wife has seen fit to buy one of those nursery rhyme tapes and itâs been annoying the sh-it out of me. Half a dozen out of work actors putting on cockney accents that Dick Van Dyke would be ashamed of, before launching into timeless classics like âMy Old Man.â Iâve spent the last couple of days driving them about and trying to resist the almost superhuman urge to replace the lyrics with some that I learnt at Old Trafford during my formative years. Every time the ivories get tinkled on the intro to the popular âGet us through the blitzâ tune, I sing along under my breath. âMy Old Man said be a City fan I said Fcuk off, b-ollocks youâre a c-unt. Iâd rather fcuk a bucket with a big hole in it Than be a City fan for just one minute.â Now I know that teaching your kids to swear is neither big nor clever, but I have fond memories of being a playground swear-word machine and I seem to remember one of the best ways to impress your mates as a child, was to convert the lyrics of a nursery rhyme or hymn to something that dealt with sex or bodily functions. I still remember the slaps on the back and roars of laughter every time I recited, âMy brother Billy had a ten foot willy, He showed it to the lady next door. She thought it was a snake, So she hit it with a rake, And now itâs only three foot fourâ Attending a Catholic secondary school meant hymns every assembly. The simple substitution of âsh-iteâ for âlightâ always reaped dividends. The line, âThe spirit comes to set us free, walk, walk, in the lightâ took on huge comedic value, especially with the chorus being, âWalk in the light, Walk in the light, Walk in the light Walk in the light of the lordâ So Iâve decided, fcuk the nice versions of these songs. I intend to furnish my lads with some 18+ lines to PG tunes. This will ensure playground popularity swiftly followed by official sanction. But that doesnât matter. If my lads bubble me, Iâll just blame my wife, creating a fictitious forces background for her. So come on ARRSERS, letâs have a few suggestions for tunes that will allow my lads to walk round Primary School like expletive soaked minstrels.