Filthy songs for nippers

Discussion in 'Now That's What I Call NAAFI Bar' started by convoy_cock, Mar 2, 2005.

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  1. I was in the car with my boys the other day.

    My wife has seen fit to buy one of those nursery rhyme tapes and it’s been annoying the sh-it out of me. Half a dozen out of work actors putting on cockney accents that Dick Van Dyke would be ashamed of, before launching into timeless classics like “My Old Man.”

    I’ve spent the last couple of days driving them about and trying to resist the almost superhuman urge to replace the lyrics with some that I learnt at Old Trafford during my formative years. Every time the ivories get tinkled on the intro to the popular ‘Get us through the blitz’ tune, I sing along under my breath.

    “My Old Man said be a City fan
    I said Fcuk off, b-ollocks you’re a c-unt.
    I’d rather fcuk a bucket with a big hole in it
    Than be a City fan for just one minute.”

    Now I know that teaching your kids to swear is neither big nor clever, but I have fond memories of being a playground swear-word machine and I seem to remember one of the best ways to impress your mates as a child, was to convert the lyrics of a nursery rhyme or hymn to something that dealt with sex or bodily functions. I still remember the slaps on the back and roars of laughter every time I recited,

    “My brother Billy had a ten foot willy,
    He showed it to the lady next door.
    She thought it was a snake,
    So she hit it with a rake,
    And now it’s only three foot four”

    Attending a Catholic secondary school meant hymns every assembly. The simple substitution of ‘sh-ite’ for ‘light’ always reaped dividends. The line,

    “The spirit comes to set us free, walk, walk, in the light” took on huge comedic value, especially with the chorus being,

    “Walk in the light,
    Walk in the light,
    Walk in the light
    Walk in the light of the lord”

    So I’ve decided, fcuk the nice versions of these songs. I intend to furnish my lads with some 18+ lines to PG tunes. This will ensure playground popularity swiftly followed by official sanction. But that doesn’t matter. If my lads bubble me, I’ll just blame my wife, creating a fictitious forces background for her.

    So come on ARRSERS, let’s have a few suggestions for tunes that will allow my lads to walk round Primary School like expletive soaked minstrels.
     
  2. I've taught my kids a little self-composed ditty:

    "Hip hip hooray for Daddy,
    He's such a super chap,
    all the other Daddies are,
    a load of fücking crap!"

    Which is very sweet when you hear it from the mouth of an adorable cute, blonde, two year old. Of course, the lovely Mrs chickenpunk is inclined to a different view, so I've taught them all to substitute the word 'flipping' when she's around.
     
  3. "There is a green hill far away,
    Without a city wall,
    Where our dear Lord was crucified,
    He died to save us all.

    For...........He's a jolly good fellow,
    He's a jolly good fellow,
    He's a jolly good fellow,
    And so say all of us!!!
    "
     
  4. Looking back to when we first met,
    I cannot explain and i cannot forget,
    Do me in the bum,
    You still turn me on,
    You can lick my hole again

    :D
     
  5. Slightly off topic, but...

    Hymns which have amusing lines:

    All Things Bright and Beautiful - "The purple headed mountain"

    Morning Has Broken - Substituted with - "Foreskin has Broken" 8O

    The lines were usually followed with crafty looks and outright laughter during school assemblies when I was a nipper. In addition to the giggling was the need to sing those particular lines at twice the volume of the rest of the hymn.
     
  6. I have a variety of Hymns on offer

    A version of Away in a manger titled 'Approached by a stranger, and lured into bed'

    A version of Little Donkey titled 'Little Honkey, little honkey with a rusty blade'
     
  7. I seem to recall a hymn with the line "Verge of Jordan" in it - Pure Class

    I'm going visual.... :lol:
     
  8. Both the lads sing to their little sister when their mum's around

    Go to sleep, go to sleep
    Go to sleep little baby
    Go to sleep in your bed
    and have lovely dreams

    When it's my stag, it's

    Go to sleep, go to sleep
    Shut your big bloodshot eyes
    Your a dosser, your a duck
    And we hope you don't wake up.
     
  9. The one I can still remember way back from the mid 70’s is :

    My ideal day is a day down at Grannies
    Playing with her t*ts and stroking her fanny

    :D
     
  10. Rolf Harris' Peg Leg Jake goes along the lines of:

    My name is Jack,
    I'm a necrophiliac
    I like to fcuk dead people
    And fill them full of semen

    I get frustrated
    When they get cremated
    Burial's a must,
    'Cos you can't fcuk dust!
     
  11. Mrs Legs wont even let me sing 'On Ilkley Moor' to young Miss Legs! How on earth is the girl to learn about her cultural heritage?!? :?
     
  12. In a change from the norm, the song we belted out on the way back from today's school run was, to the tune of Jailhouse Rock

    When I was young I had no sense
    I caught my balls on a barbed wire fence
    When I got home I had a shock
    Only one ball and half my c-ock

    Let's rock
    Dance to the one spud rock
    Everybody in the corner shop
    Was laughing at my tiny c-ock
     
  13. Some 30 years on from when they first heard it, my "kids" can still remember and sing about 'It wasn't the grass that tickled your arrse, it was my little finger'
     
  14. Similar version to AFKAC's, although possibly more disturbing:

    When I was young I had no sense
    I caught my balls on a barbed wire fence
    When I got home I had a shock
    Only one ball and half my c-ock

    Went to the doctor
    He was a poof
    Touched my balls and
    He hit the roof

    Oh Yeah!

    (pose on the 'Oh Yeah!' is mandatory)
     
  15. a better version of that scouse girl-mime-band dross:

    Looking back to when we first met,
    I cannot explain and i cannot forget,
    Baby you're the one,
    You still make me come,
    You can fill my hole again...

    and what about that all-time classic:

    In 1986,
    the queen pulled down her knicks.
    She licked her bum,
    and said "yum yum,
    "it tastes like Weetabix"

    This one's not so rude, but your kid won't understand it:

    Catholic Girl's Prayer
    O virgin mother, we believe -
    that you without sin did conceive.
    So tell us then, how thus believing,
    We can sin without conceiving.