Fighting Lions

#1
I heard a story today about some fella who goes into a Lions den in a zoo to feed him or some crap and ends up getting attacked by it. The irony of the Lion eating his face must have been Uncanny. However he apparently survived.

So my question is. Lets suppose you are attacked by a lion and you have left you sword/Knife/GPMG in the glovebox. How would you defend yourself against this fella:



I'm doubting that a quick Ali Shuffle and forearm smash would do the job. Anyone got any ideas. Also as much as I would love to test out the winners idea I'm busy that weekend.

This whole conversation came about because I saw the end of The Lion King. It reminded me how much I can't stand Simba ( http://media.bigoo.ws/content/gif/disney/disney_731.gif ). He is an irritating character and I find him a little bit too smug for his years.

Now I reckon I could quite easily get the better of Simba by keeping him at arms length until he got tired then going to work on him with a few good stamps. Lets face it. He's a nobody without Mufasa!
 

Biped

LE
Book Reviewer
#2
There's only one way to defeat this feline . . . . .








CAT FIIIIIIIGGGHHHHHHTTT!!!!!

Lots of hair in that mane to pull, big nails to scratch with - only thing missing is handbags.
 
#3
Biped said:
There's only one way to defeat this feline . . . . .








CAT FIIIIIIIGGGHHHHHHTTT!!!!!

Lots of hair in that mane to pull, big nails to scratch with - only thing missing is handbags.
Would you also like to see Simba being kept at bay with a few double jabs before having his face booted in?
 
#7
mmmmmmm a tuff one! i think i would scoop handfulls of my own nerve enduced poop out of the back of my pants then in a bobby sands stylie smear the lions eyes with it rendering it blind!

hey presto! now just sneak round the back and using your fist punch the lion right up the arrse killing it stone dead in a barrymore stylie!

am i correct?
 
#8
doonhamer said:
mmmmmmm a tuff one! i think i would scoop handfulls of my own nerve enduced poop out of the back of my pants then in a bobby sands stylie smear the lions eyes with it rendering it blind!

hey presto! now just sneak round the back and using your fist punch the lion right up the arrse killing it stone dead in a barrymore stylie!

am i correct?
An interesting tactic with only one small draw back. At about the same time you star to push out the single biggest steaming turd of your life (Think Subway Sandwich with extra filling) A large cat would be testing its gag reflex with your head. If you can stil work whilst having your upper torso eaten and to such an extent where you can reach around (Pardon the pun) and put your brown trout in his eyes then yes... This could work!
 
#11
Rarden_reaper said:
Well it's a shame that posts have to be filled with this sort of drivel....

s*** saying that am I no no better replying to it?

:roll:
If you don't like it then fcuk off. Just don't come crying to me when a Lion on its way home from his mates stag do jumps you outside a takeaway in order to swipe your kebab.
 
#12
Sixty said:
Think outside the box and arm yourself with a larger, more powerful pussy.

This reminds me too much of Tony The Tiger. He is just as annoying if not more so than Simba. His Cereal is crap but yet he still goes on about it. Atleast Simba has the good taste to spend most of his time in our distant memories rather than on our screens.

Maybe its Ginger cats I have a problem with :?
 
#14
Get all colonial with the beast.

I'd prefer to take on the lion whilst riding on top of an elephant and armed with the GPMG mentioned above whilst sporting nothing but a pith helmet, a hard on and a handle bar moustache :D
 
#16
allyjs said:
Get all colonial with the beast.

I'd prefer to take on the lion whilst riding on top of an elephant and armed with the GPMG mentioned above whilst sporting nothing but a pith helmet, a hard on and a handle bar moustache :D
No the GPMG would be too much of an anachromism.

You want one of these perhaps

 
#17
:) Some great replies, like the one with the turds, being how I spent most of my civilian lfe working with moggies in all shapes and sizes,mature male lions basically cowardly on their own, and as thick as 2 short planks,juveniles to playful to know what fear is ,any of you older folk remember a movie called Hatari, well I actually ran that catching station for its german owners,in Neuwied zoo I had a Full grown Abysinian BlackMane lion , (please dont laugh) who lost all his teeth due to a nasty gum infection , theyoung males in thepride used to beat the crap out of him, he was segregatedand over the periodof 18 months was fitted with a complete new set of screw in teeth, because of the close contact we had with him, he became really tame and pally with all the keepers, inthe evenings when the zoo was closed,he liked being taken out for walks, and it was quite funny to see him playing with our dogs , in the 6 years we had him he never ate one 8) !! But dont recommend facing up or coming within 10 yards of a male bengal or sibirean tiger, female of the species absolute darlings, have actually been in the cage with a female unsedated sibirean tiger and helped her with a difficult birth, ,not a scratch she let me take tthe 2 newborn cubs away , examine them and bring them back, but the male of the species nasty bastards 8O ,will kill you to death as soon as look at you, laugh and take the urine all you want some cats are just nasty, Thinking back and looking at photo,s I must have been FXXXXing Nuts :p
 
#19
Donkey-Spanker said:
Nignoy said:
:) ......... :p
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ ,.;:'!"

There's some punctuation, spaces and capitals, feel free to use them in your posts.
Sorry mate but my hands are knackered , dont start to get any realcontrol over the fingers till I havebeen upand about fora couple of hours and my dragonspeak is on the fritz at the moment, oh yes and being partially fucking sighted does not help either 8)
 

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