Fighting Lions

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Closet_Jibber, Jun 26, 2009.

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  1. I heard a story today about some fella who goes into a Lions den in a zoo to feed him or some crap and ends up getting attacked by it. The irony of the Lion eating his face must have been Uncanny. However he apparently survived.

    So my question is. Lets suppose you are attacked by a lion and you have left you sword/Knife/GPMG in the glovebox. How would you defend yourself against this fella:


    I'm doubting that a quick Ali Shuffle and forearm smash would do the job. Anyone got any ideas. Also as much as I would love to test out the winners idea I'm busy that weekend.

    This whole conversation came about because I saw the end of The Lion King. It reminded me how much I can't stand Simba ( ). He is an irritating character and I find him a little bit too smug for his years.

    Now I reckon I could quite easily get the better of Simba by keeping him at arms length until he got tired then going to work on him with a few good stamps. Lets face it. He's a nobody without Mufasa!
  2. Biped

    Biped LE Book Reviewer

    There's only one way to defeat this feline . . . . .


    Lots of hair in that mane to pull, big nails to scratch with - only thing missing is handbags.
  3. Would you also like to see Simba being kept at bay with a few double jabs before having his face booted in?
  4. Move in quickly covered in Nepeta Cataria.
  5. What is this hakuna matata you speak of?
  6. mmmmmmm a tuff one! i think i would scoop handfulls of my own nerve enduced poop out of the back of my pants then in a bobby sands stylie smear the lions eyes with it rendering it blind!

    hey presto! now just sneak round the back and using your fist punch the lion right up the arrse killing it stone dead in a barrymore stylie!

    am i correct?
  7. An interesting tactic with only one small draw back. At about the same time you star to push out the single biggest steaming turd of your life (Think Subway Sandwich with extra filling) A large cat would be testing its gag reflex with your head. If you can stil work whilst having your upper torso eaten and to such an extent where you can reach around (Pardon the pun) and put your brown trout in his eyes then yes... This could work!
  8. Well it's a shame that posts have to be filled with this sort of drivel....

    Shit saying that am I no no better replying to it?

  9. Sixty

    Sixty LE Moderator Book Reviewer
    1. ARRSE Cyclists and Triathletes

    Think outside the box and arm yourself with a larger, more powerful pussy.

  10. If you don't like it then fcuk off. Just don't come crying to me when a Lion on its way home from his mates stag do jumps you outside a takeaway in order to swipe your kebab.
  11. This reminds me too much of Tony The Tiger. He is just as annoying if not more so than Simba. His Cereal is crap but yet he still goes on about it. Atleast Simba has the good taste to spend most of his time in our distant memories rather than on our screens.

    Maybe its Ginger cats I have a problem with :?
  12. Riiight......
  13. Get all colonial with the beast.

    I'd prefer to take on the lion whilst riding on top of an elephant and armed with the GPMG mentioned above whilst sporting nothing but a pith helmet, a hard on and a handle bar moustache :D