Fifty Shades of ARRSE

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by HectortheInspector, Jul 11, 2012.

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  1. I wish to become very rich. The easiest way to do it is to write a crap porn book. Then I thought...
    Why not get other people to do it for me? Then I can republish it under my female pen name ('Thisbe Bollox').

    So, as an exercise in collaborative writing, I'll set some ground rules.
    Each chapter of no more than 200 words. Internal logic and chronology doesn't matter. It never did before.
    Our Hero- Pagan Greenkit.
    Our Heroine-Anusol Whocares.
    Number of sex acts-As many as you can get in.
    Bad dialogue, Moans, lip biting, 10 points extra per exclamation mark.
    Use of at least one of the following words is COMPULSORY-Shed, SLR, Shortt, Rape van, Black nasty, DMS, STAB, ARAB.
    Use of Peter Dow-Priceless.

    If there's enough of you, I might make it a trilogy.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  2. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    I've read it three times and I don't see what the fuss is about...

    shades of grey.jpg
     
    • Like Like x 14
  3. Just make sure yours has some feckin' pictures in it!!
     
  4. I'll just download Meridian's pages. No corners not cut here!
     
  5. As interior decoration guides go its shite!

    I personally returned a well thumbed copy back to the young lady at Waterstones and demanded a refund for this work of utter drivel, not once was there reference to suitable colour contrasts for a well little drawing room, hints on hanging wall paper, nor tips on putting up coveing...utter drivel I say!!!

    Enough of 50 shades of grey...

    I'll give it a go;

    As Netley threw Edna onto the straw of the store room, she felt her chest tighten in erotic trepidation. Sweat glistening off his well defined chest he stood framed in the doorway, hands on hips in a position of true masculine power. She realised she was gasping as he towered over her, his riding breeches displayed an obvious bulge of masculinity begging to be appeased by her soft hands, and warm cavernous mouth. She felt her right hand move to her throat in a vain attempt to curtail her womanly lusts.

    She realised this would be more than the two jerks and a squirt that the lowly Peter Dow had given her on the night of their wedding. Without a word she tore open her blouse, her pert breasts, milky white, launched free of the restraining cotton. He dropped to one knee, hands feverishly working at her pantaloons, gently probing her butterfly of love. She could take it no more, their mouths desperately searching for one another. Soon they were frottaging like a couple of teenagers. Her hands desperately clawed at the tight breeches to free his hardened member. She needed his masculinity inside her, deep, thrusting, powerful. Her thighs ached, and quivered in anticipation as she threw back her skirts and with a grunt akin to a stag mounting his trophy he entered her. Her inner softness grasped hungrily at his shaft, her moistness running down her leg. Throwing her head back, gasping for air, tears of sensual pleasure staining her cheeks Edna knew Peter would never be able to satisfy her needs like this, and with that thought she was lost in the moment of mutual climax.
     

  6. I hate to burst your bubble of writing a porn, but no fucker wants to read porn....they want to watch it...or look at pictures. Thats what you need, videos or pictures.
     
  7. That's not 50 shades - I feel short-changed, let down and disappointed, Ms. Duke ..
     
  8. It's a trilogy & I caught SWMBO reading them. I couldn't be arsed to throw a bottle of HP over her so I spaffed on her instead.
     
  9. 20 million gullible (and slightly sticky) American ladies might disagree. I want some of that! It's got to be better than writing fiction for the Minister!
     
  10. Come on chaps....we can do better than some yank bit at porn...
     
  11. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    One hates to disagree netley, but when one is flogging a gaff one employs a neutral palette. Beige. Cream. Possibly taupe features on the valances. Who gives a fuck just so the stupid Russian bastards pay £2.4m for a gaff that cost us £3.47k a few years ago.

    Let us not go there with Russian porn. They are our friends now.

    We like them.

    Do we have a "keeping a straight face" Smiley thing?
     
  12. Man goes to shed, eats, shoots and leaves.
     
  13. Pagan lowered his tweeds, revealing a cock the size of Peter Dow. Anusol, busy shoving the butt of an SLR up her clopper turned over and groaned " Smash my balloon knot you fucking STAB cunt!"
     
    • Like Like x 4
  14. Only an Australian could have lowered the tone even further.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  15. I bet you found it strangely arousing though?
     
    • Like Like x 1