Fictional Careers

[space_cadet]

I remember in my earlier days in the army when asked what i did for a living when chatting up a member of the fairer sex. I would say i was an underwater wood welder, as being ex army air corps most of the other lads would say they were pilots.Where i am going with this is i am going on a jolly to Marbella with the company i work for and i need a career i can give out that obviosly does not exist but some daft bint will fall for.( not as handsome as once was and need all the help i can get )

 

[drain_sniffer]

I always say that I make jammy rings in a biscuit factory. Seems to work more times than not. Got it from an Air Corps pilot who was fed up of girls thinking he was talking s&*t when he said he realy was a pilot

 

[alcopocalypsenow]

May I suggest Freelance Gynaecologist? Always worth a try when trying to woo a strumpet with a sense of humour. If wanting to avoid the attentions of the more aesthetically challenged variety of lady, tell them (With some feigned reluctance) you are a professional clubber. She will probably want to know which night club and do you dance etc. You can make great play at being reluctant to tell her but finally confess that you club baby seals to death in Canada... works a treat.

 

[Cpl_ripper]

octopuss remover on the oil rigs in the north sea is always a good one.

 

[IndianaDel]

Air Assault FOO IT Engineer?
(Or to put it another way. In like a Streak, Sneak and Peek, Geek)

 

[alcopocalypsenow]

Ping Pong ball quality control is a believeable one, you can bore said strumpet for hours discussing the merits of different grades of plastic.

 

[drain_sniffer]

A friend of mines wife went on a stag party in Pompy not so long back. When quized if any of the girls had pulled, she replied that a few of them were talking to a nice bloke for a long while, who trainned dolphines in the caribean, and that it seemed like a realy good job

Oh how we laughed....

 

[Harry_Boomers]

Bra designer works well gives you a licence to look, grope and twang!

 

[strut_jack]

If wanting to avoid the attentions of the more aesthetically challenged variety of lady, tell them (With some feigned reluctance) you are a professional clubber. She will probably want to know which night club and do you dance etc. You can make great play at being reluctant to tell her but finally confess that you club baby seals to death in Canada... works a treat.

Another career that's useful in this situation is Research Scientist.

'Eh?' she says

'Well you know when they bring out a new shampoo it has to be tested by a bloke who squirts it in the eyes of bunny rabbits?' says you.

'Yer....' says she, brow beginning to furrow in concern and eyes starting to water at the thought of poor bunnies.

'Well that bloke is me'

 

[alcopocalypsenow]

mmm Gives me an idea about gusset quality control inspector... I onced convinced some bird that I was a russian diplomat.

 

[paveway_3]

Hoover pilot is a good one when you are Piss ed .
I also been a mid wife

 

[alcopocalypsenow]

One of my former Toms actually took a pet rabbit into boots and asked if the shampoo he was buying was tested on animals...When the assistant said no he shouted "Well how do you know its safe then?" and pretended to squeeze it into the rabbits eyes...." I think he got psychiatrically discharged eventually.

 

[strut_jack]

An aquaintance of mine once found himself on a night out with some RAF pilots, real pucker ones and everything.
Naturally the young ladies they met were used to the all the scrotes from RAF xxxxxxxx claiming to be pilots, and treated them with a healthy degree of scepticism. On the otherhand the balding RA officer accompanying them had much more success with his explanation that he was part of an exchange program with NASA and he was the robot arm operator on the next shuttle mission.

Aim high!

 

[alcopocalypsenow]

I convinced a lap dancer in the States that I had been shot down in Afghanistan and injured, got a mega freeby and a nice massage. Didn't have the heart to tell her I'd got injured falling over drunk on a post ex p*ss up.

 

[I_AM_CANADIAN]

I went to Wimbledon for a weekend a few years back, me and me old mucker managed to convince a couple of rather " Igh Falootin " bits of stuff that we were Greasy spoon operatives, that we had an old caravan serving tea and bacon sandwiches to hairy arrsed truckers on the A57 near Worksop and that we were planning to open another caravan on the A303....... it didnt work btw.

 

[alcopocalypsenow]

Wimbledon? What a target rich environment, the only bloke who could possibly fail to score there is Tim Henman... Maybe you should have said you were Tennis Players or ball Boy supervisors at the very least!

 

[Bellthrob]

I have discovered that saying that one is employed as a seal clubber very rarely works. Strange, that!

 

[alcopocalypsenow]

Hence the need to use it only on those wenches who require some discouragement.... trouble is, after a few beers, it suddenly seems like the best chat up line in the world... funny that!

 

[chocolate_frog]

The bloke who designs rubber ducks

Class!!!!!

 

[Chinggis]

My dad once told me a story about the time he was a deck hand on oil tankers. He and his mate were out on the lash in Hong Kong, both suited an booted, so dressed rather more smartly than most seamen on a run ashore and with plenty of cash in their pockets, they wound up in a rather posh ex pat’s bar.

Dad was a hairy arsed Scouser and his mate an equally hairy arsed Glaswegian. They both had a talent for voices so they could put on posh English and Scottish accents respectively. They got chatting to a pair of posh totties and when asked what they did for a living told them that they were “in the oil business”. They banged them both and sailed the next day.

Good drills, those men!