FFS, its a Stag Night.

:: sigh ::

I am the Best Man at a very close mate's wedding, and I'm currently organising the Stag Night.

Now, my philosophy on Stag Nights is controversial but simple in that most of 'em are shite. The best ones are like commando raids; a small group of like-minded and determined warriors setting out to achieve a clearly defined objective with steely determination with a plan "B" should first contact send everything wobbly.

It was with this in mind that I thumbed through the legendary Vegitusii Folio Orgiastici Diabolicus, the little black book of vile intelligence that only I can truly understand should one wish to truly enjoy the Metropolis the way it is meant to be enjoyed.

And what does the fcuking stag, a man once noted for his martial prowess, outstanding feats of derring-do in HM forces and ability to defeat legions of vestal virgins with his beef bayonet want to do? Lunch "at his club" (FFS I'm from Sarf Lahndun) then some golf. The sport for Dead People.

I had something far more prosaic in mind.

What should I do? Pander to one of my oldest friends tragic descent into early middle age or delve into the spuff-stained pages of my folio? It's not like his future missus likes me anyway...

V, go paintballing and let everyone's waltish tendency come to the fore. It gives them something suitably 'manly' to talk very loudly about all night from there on in ("You fcukin' never, I shot you dead on at 1000 yds - I'm a sniper etc etc"). Follow this great bonding session with something really inane, like go-karting - having bonded them, bring their natural competitive instinct back to the front. Go somewhere that even hands out silly cups and so on - nothing says 'Top Stag Night' like a cheap prize.

Next - scran. You could do the 'club thing' if that's the usual way they want to play it, but avoid those godawful themed places - stag nights are bizarre enough without having everyone dressed at medieval kings.

One of the best I went to was the first activity followed by dinner combined with a murder/mystery weekend. Good int, coupled to our panache, dash and elan - and a hen party at the same location - made it extremely memorable!
Arrange with the lads to get him p1ssed at lunch- he is then yours to command. Failing that, try this golf handicapping system. Winner of previous hole has to drink as many cans of beer as strokes he won the hole by BEFORE reaching next tee. This will completely ruin any semblance of serious sport, and open the way to such side events as the "compulsory nude hole" etc. Either way he will be completely uninhibited, and as such, putty in your hands. After that you will be in a commanding position to give his intended a very good reason to hate you.
I was thinking of a morning shooting things with Big Shotguns followed by boozy lunch followed by lap-dancing followed by late night drinking den. Not exactly complicated, but it does exactly what it says on the tin. S.T.A.G.N.I.G.H.T

Anyway, I'm not going paint-balling. I'm a tactically-challenged copper and most of the others are City boys. You know what they're like, competitive barstewards. I'll be well tango'd by the end of it.
Anywhere in Eastern Europe for the weekend.

Tallin in Estonia is tops.

The more unusual, the better.
Take him for his quiet lunch. Half way through a bunch of Blokes wearing Masks grab him, stuff him in a car a go. You! get up and announce his stag weekend has just begun calmly walk out. Disappear to Eastern Europe for the weekend. For added effect make sure his wife’s nearest and dearest see what’s going on. :)

Interrogation is optional but can be interesting if Groom suspects nothing.
We took one of my mates to a number of select london venues and if it wasn't for a numpty taxi driver who didn't seem to know his way round our fair capital it would have been spot on.

Start out at pub for warm up beers, then we went to the dog track (a first for me, made some cash) then onto food, then onto a lapdancing place. It did need something else but was ok.

For mine we went paintballing which is not the greatest of ideas when you have been out of uniform for a while but your mates are still serving and decide to "encourage" you to remember your battledrills v quickly. Section attack against the stag - not fun!

As for your lunch and golf, you have to do better than that! Its got to be memorable, even if its crap, its got to be memorable for something and i could quirte easily forget a round of golf!

Stag nights aren't for the benefit of the groom, they're a final chance for his mates to enjoy his company over a few beers while he's still the way god made him (ie before his wife gets her talons into him). By assigning you to be his best man, he delegated all authority and powers of veto regarding the stag do.

Take him out with a select few, get merry, do some last minute bezzering and cap the night off by holding a long conversation with a pretty lapdancer about life, the universe and everything. Don't give him the option - give him timings, dress and an RV, it's good practice for when he's married.
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