Feeling Empty

Yokel

LE
My problem is I have learnt that the assumptions I made about myself, other people, and how other people view me are all wrong. Also, after falsehoods have been spread it takes time for the truth to catch up and sink in.

I probably do have sub clinical depression and anxiety.
 

Yokel

LE
.... so have chosen to help myself by making an appointment with my GP and promising to be open and honest with them’
Not yet but I probably will be popping into the office today - and not just because a couple of the admin/reception girls look like models. I have been a bit preoccupied this week but mostly with important stuff like dealing with people to help get my disabled Mum up and about - which would do wonders for my mood.

I do seem to have visited the GP a lot over the last two to three years - mostly a consequence of how I have been treated by people believing malicious crap.
 

Yokel

LE
I am seeing my GP this afternoon but I have no idea what to say or to ask for.

Low mood? Yes.
Suicidal? No.
Lethargy? Yes.
Sleeping problems? Sometimes.
Feeling like my life has been pointless? Yes.
Lack of social interaction? Yes like you would not believe.
Frustrated by beaueacracy? Yes.
Torn between the demands of different life roles? Yes.
 
I am seeing my GP this afternoon but I have no idea what to say or to ask for.

Low mood? Yes.
Suicidal? No.
Lethargy? Yes.
Sleeping problems? Sometimes.
Feeling like my life has been pointless? Yes.
Lack of social interaction? Yes like you would not believe.
Frustrated by beaueacracy? Yes.
Torn between the demands of different life roles? Yes.
You seem to be knowledgeable and keen on research and logic. Some of your posts suggest that you either have a sense of humour or are intelligent enough to make it seem that you have a sense of humour. Probably you have a sense of humour when you let go and allow yourself to have one.

I think you are too close to the issues and don't detach from them enough but carry them with you. Whatever you do in life it helps to be able to detach from the workplace when you walk through the door on the way home, otherwise you are working unpaid overtime.

What would give you a sense of purpose?
What would you like to achieve?
What would motivate you?

You could consider clubs and activities which are popular with socially awkward people or just plain nice people who are hard to offend.

It's interesting how some people gain confidence by speaking another language. You may not fancy drama or acting but going to amateur classes or re-enactments could be something to consider. It might help you build some skills and tools to help with life situations.

There's a lot of wildlife in your part of the country. There may be some nice girls working / volunteering.

Another route is to look in to life coaching, gen up on how to do it then treat yourself as a client. Beware though of that becoming a means to procrastinate. You don't have to enrol in a long course. Just gen up on principals. Correspond with yourself rather than trying to be practitioner and client at the same time.

The practitioner (you) asks questions, then sends them to the client. He then closes his email or "posts" the questions and forgets about it. A day or so later the client (you) looks at the questions and has a go at answering them. This can go through as many cycles as it takes. You can address all, some or one of the issues in more depth. There are simple tools you can use to record where you want to be and where you think you are for different aspects.
 
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StBob072

LE
Book Reviewer
.... so have chosen to help myself by making an appointment with my GP and promising to be open and honest with them’
Not always that easy when you have a 10 minute appointment, don't know where to start, and have a GP who may not be that well up in psychology/psychiatry.

It may help to write two or three points down, the most immediate problem at the top of the list, and others that may be contributing/exacerbating.
 

Yokel

LE
You seem to be knowledgeable and keen on research and logic. Some of your posts suggest that you either have a sense of humour or are intelligent enough to make it seem that you have a sense of humour. Probably you have a sense of humour when you let go and allow yourself to have one.

I think you are too close to the issues and don't detach from them enough but carry them with you. Whatever you do in life it helps to be able to detach from the workplace when you walk through the door on the way home, otherwise you are working unpaid overtime.

What would give you a sense of purpose?
What would you like to achieve?
What would motivate you?

You could consider clubs and activities which are popular with socially awkward people or just plain nice people who are hard to offend.

It's interesting how some people gain confidence by speaking another language. You may not fancy drama or acting but going to amateur classes or re-enactments could be something to consider. It might help you build some skills and tools to help with life situations.

There's a lot of wildlife in your part of the country. There may be some nice girls working / volunteering.

Another route is to look in to life coaching, gen up on how to do it then treat yourself as a client. Beware though of that becoming a means to procrastinate. You don't have to enrol in a long course. Just gen up on principals. Correspond with yourself rather than trying to be practitioner and client at the same time.

The practitioner (you) asks questions, then sends them to the client. He then closes his email or "posts" the questions and forgets about it. A day or so later the client (you) looks at the questions and has a go at answering them. This can go through as many cycles as it takes. You can address all, some or one of the issues in more depth. There are simple tools you can use to record where you want to be and where you think you are for different aspects.
I would like to be in the place I would be in if it were not for those malicious rumours - but that, and forgiveness and rebuilding trust, take time. I would like to have a proper job, even if part time, ideally using my qualifications and skills and not being agency fodder. I would like to feel less useless with respect to being a carer - in the New Year hopefully the adaptations will get Mum out and about and improve things for everyone.

Most of I would like not to have the constant feeling of being an outsider, and the constant Imposter Syndrome.
 
I know it might sound a bit facile but have you thought about getting a dog? They're big on acceptance and the need to look after one will take your mind off your own worries for a while.
Also a good way of meeting women :smile: (who won’t judge you for carrying a pooper scooper bag). You don’t have to get a dog. You could just dog walk for a favour or maybe few quid.
I would like to be in the place I would be in if it were not for those malicious rumours - but that, and forgiveness and rebuilding trust, take time. I would like to have a proper job, even if part time, ideally using my qualifications and skills and not being agency fodder. I would like to feel less useless with respect to being a carer - in the New Year hopefully the adaptations will get Mum out and about and improve things for everyone.

Most of I would like not to have the constant feeling of being an outsider, and the constant Imposter Syndrome.
Even amongst people with no apparent brain damage there are variations in how neural networks formed and how chemicals are distributed, that affect how they interpret, react and communicate. (On the other hand, some people are just ignorant). Perhaps they have seen obviously handicapped people and wrongly associate any brain damage with loss of intelligence. There are extremely intelligent people with cerebral palsy. Similarly, stroke victims don't suddenly become "thick", it's mostly that there's a problem with a few of the i/o circuits. Not many computers have the same resilience (Yet).

The brain is amazing. Thankfully it can form new connections but sometimes these are over longer routes, a bit like having to drive the long way around an area where a bridge collapsed. This is outside of most people's experience and they lack a frame of reference for it. Finding ways of explaining the invisible issues and the effects might help. Those longer routes can lead to fatigue, not just feeling a wee bit tired.

Apologies if you mentioned them already but just in case, have you been in contact with Headway? I think you said you are in the South West
South West

You can get a Brain Injury ID card with any issues you might have on it.
1575431812629.png

Obviously the first two don't apply but maybe the fatigue and anxiety? There's a helpline (phone and email)
Helpline and an online community.
Contact them anyway. They might have some material you could take to work.

The local branches rely on volunteers. It's something you understand a bit about and obviously they understand how TBI effects people. A bit of admin or computer support for them might give you a sense of value and be good for your CV.

Volunteer

This one is US based I think but some of the points it makes might be useful to print out. They also have sections on managing symptoms, types of traumatic brain injury (and PTSD)
9 Things NOT to Say to Someone with a Brain Injury | BrainLine
 
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Yokel

LE
Also a good way of meeting women :smile: (who won’t judge you for carrying a pooper scooper bag). You don’t have to get a dog. You could just dog walk for a favour or maybe few quid.

Even amongst people with no apparent brain damage there are variations in how neural networks formed and how chemicals are distributed, that affect how they interpret, react and communicate. (On the other hand, some people are just ignorant). Perhaps they have seen obviously handicapped people and wrongly associate any brain damage with loss of intelligence. There are extremely intelligent people with cerebral palsy. Similarly, stroke victims don't suddenly become "thick", it's mostly that there's a problem with a few of the i/o circuits. Not many computers have the same resilience (Yet).

The brain is amazing. Thankfully it can form new connections but sometimes these are over longer routes, a bit like having to drive the long way around an area where a bridge collapsed. This is outside of most people's experience and they lack a frame of reference for it. Finding ways of explaining the invisible issues and the effects might help. Those longer routes can lead to fatigue, not just feeling a wee bit tired.

Apologies if you mentioned them already but just in case, have you been in contact with Headway? I think you said you are in the South West
South West

You can get a Brain Injury ID card with any issues you might have on it.
View attachment 434773
Obviously the first two don't apply but maybe the fatigue and anxiety? There's a helpline (phone and email)
Helpline and an online community.
Contact them anyway. They might have some material you could take to work.

The local branches rely on volunteers. It's something you understand a bit about and obviously they understand how TBI effects people. A bit of admin or computer support for them might give you a sense of value and be good for your CV.

Volunteer

This one is US based I think but some of the points it makes might be useful to print out. They also have sections on managing symptoms, types of traumatic brain injury (and PTSD)
9 Things NOT to Say to Someone with a Brain Injury | BrainLine

Thank you. Not all of that is relevant to me, but much is. I will do my best to reply but it might have to be over several posts.

1. Brain Injury Card - not sure that is really useful for me. I do not have enough voice slurring to be thought of as drunk. As part of my drive to sort myself out I saw an Occupational Psychologist not so long ago and she suggested the same. The speed of processing and attention issues are common features to most TBI survivors.

2. My problem is the subtle issues which are socially damaging, and unhelpful in job interviews etc.

3. The World Health Organisation used to have a three block model of Impairment, Disability, and Handicap. The impairment was the illness or injury, the disability was the disruption of normal ability, and the handicap was the disadvantage. Perhaps it was too complex, but it help explain that a minor impairment could be devastating for an individual depending on circumstances (say a taxi driver or langauge teacher with a memory problem) whilst others could brush it off. Other more serious impairments can be dealt with by adaptions.

4. I have been flattened by events of the last couple of years, and as I said to my doctor, this time of year is not great for me as it seems to emphasise my lack of social life or success in general.

5. Anxiety and things like that have childhood roots. I find the current advert with Bernardos, with the girl being constantly hounded by bullies and not knowing why, quite moving. School would have seem less horrible if I had been able to explain how crap it was, and been listened to.
 
Thank you. Not all of that is relevant to me, but much is. I will do my best to reply but it might have to be over several posts.

1. Brain Injury Card - not sure that is really useful for me. I do not have enough voice slurring to be thought of as drunk. As part of my drive to sort myself out I saw an Occupational Psychologist not so long ago and she suggested the same. The speed of processing and attention issues are common features to most TBI survivors.

2. My problem is the subtle issues which are socially damaging, and unhelpful in job interviews etc.

3. The World Health Organisation used to have a three block model of Impairment, Disability, and Handicap. The impairment was the illness or injury, the disability was the disruption of normal ability, and the handicap was the disadvantage. Perhaps it was too complex, but it help explain that a minor impairment could be devastating for an individual depending on circumstances (say a taxi driver or langauge teacher with a memory problem) whilst others could brush it off. Other more serious impairments can be dealt with by adaptions.

4. I have been flattened by events of the last couple of years, and as I said to my doctor, this time of year is not great for me as it seems to emphasise my lack of social life or success in general.

5. Anxiety and things like that have childhood roots. I find the current advert with Bernardos, with the girl being constantly hounded by bullies and not knowing why, quite moving. School would have seem less horrible if I had been able to explain how crap it was, and been listened to.
Get one of these. You will be so busy making sure she is safe and protected everything else fades into oblivion. Took me 40 minutes to get into pets at home with all the attention we got from passers by....and the love you get in return....unquantifiable......
2018-12-04 01.13.38.jpg
 
Thank you. Not all of that is relevant to me, but much is. I will do my best to reply but it might have to be over several posts.

1. Brain Injury Card - not sure that is really useful for me. I do not have enough voice slurring to be thought of as drunk. As part of my drive to sort myself out I saw an Occupational Psychologist not so long ago and she suggested the same. The speed of processing and attention issues are common features to most TBI survivors.

2. My problem is the subtle issues which are socially damaging, and unhelpful in job interviews etc.

3. The World Health Organisation used to have a three block model of Impairment, Disability, and Handicap. The impairment was the illness or injury, the disability was the disruption of normal ability, and the handicap was the disadvantage. Perhaps it was too complex, but it help explain that a minor impairment could be devastating for an individual depending on circumstances (say a taxi driver or langauge teacher with a memory problem) whilst others could brush it off. Other more serious impairments can be dealt with by adaptions.

4. I have been flattened by events of the last couple of years, and as I said to my doctor, this time of year is not great for me as it seems to emphasise my lack of social life or success in general.

5. Anxiety and things like that have childhood roots. I find the current advert with Bernardos, with the girl being constantly hounded by bullies and not knowing why, quite moving. School would have seem less horrible if I had been able to explain how crap it was, and been listened to.
1. Slurred speech - been there. Carrying a card or ticking a disability box is usually a personal choice. Do contact them though.

2. Tourettes must be like that but thankfully people are more aware of it. Ticks and involuntary mannerisms shouldn't be an issue these days.

3. Interesting. Some people seem to buy in to a category, choose to be defined by it and accept the stereotypes, the emphasis seeming to be on limitations. Others use it as a baseline to work from, improve on or work around ie yes there may be some limitations but their emphasis is on doing what they can to improve their situation.
Identify, adapt and overcome.

4. Mental / emotional exhaustion is a <insert expletives here> Learning the triggers and how to deal with them can help a lot. There are lots of different methods but you have to want to do something about it. I know that seems obvious but paradoxically the rollercoaster ride of a "black dog" episode can be intoxicating. With time and practice that can be reduced or to all intents and purposes got rid of.

ARRSE helped me a lot as just another nameless reader around 10 years ago. I used to have a dip in to it now and then for some amusement and it definitely lifted the mood.

Mental games can help too. It's funny what the mind can come up with even when tired. There's this thing called neuro-plasticity which is about how the brain can create new connections. Various mental games and learning can create new connections, which may speed up some responses and use less energy.

5. As I understand it, almost every cell in the body is replaced within 11 years, so the cells you have were not around at the time the issues occurred. You can use this and logical reasoning to your advantage by gradually accepting a distance and separation between the present and events way back in the past. What remains is memories and learned responses. You can learn to rationalise memories in the light of new understanding or just accept that stuff happens. You can learn new responses to replace the old ones. It requires a bit of imagination, persistence and patience but it's worth it.
 

Yokel

LE
The time of year does not help. I cannot be the only person to experience the blues before and over Christmas. I experience a feeling of not having achieved anything worthwhile in the preceding year, and a sense of guilt for things like not achieving my potential. These days I feel guilty for not doing more to help improve Mum's situation.

I feel isolated more than normal. It is great seeing people out and about with friends etc, but it kind of rubs my face in it as I have none. The pretending to by happy thing grinds me down.

Lastly if I am honest I am anxious about the future.
 
The time of year does not help. I cannot be the only person to experience the blues before and over Christmas. I experience a feeling of not having achieved anything worthwhile in the preceding year, and a sense of guilt for things like not achieving my potential. These days I feel guilty for not doing more to help improve Mum's situation.

I feel isolated more than normal. It is great seeing people out and about with friends etc, but it kind of rubs my face in it as I have none. The pretending to by happy thing grinds me down.

Lastly if I am honest I am anxious about the future.
You mentioned faith. I'm not in to religion and places of worship but I know they can be a great comfort to many. So long as you steer clear of the obsessives who try to convert the unwary.

Salvation army do a lot of good work and seem non-judgmental. I'm not suggesting you join them but organisations and churches like that both give an ear and help but also need volunteers. Getting involved might give you the knowledge that you are doing something worthwhile and also getting you amongst people.

The potential and seemingly not achieving it is a familiar one but there are so many avenues in life that who is to judge what career choices or achievement goals are best? It's all experience but sometimes we don't realise how much we have learned or the little differences we have made along the way. The "what if" and "if only" questions that are a form of self inflicted purgatory, achieve nothing, unless there are lessons to be learned from them.

Do something different, even if only for 5 minutes, at least once a week. Vary your route. The more variation the more opportunities you create. Try a different shop. Pop in to a small church. Wander around a local gallery. Make sure that despite your commitments you allow yourself "me time". Perhaps a short course of night classes for a few weeks on something you never tried before.
Creative outlets can help balance work routine .

 
My general mood goes down at this time of year. I live for the good weather and outdoors, so when the nights draw in, it really screws me. Daylight lamps are used and I've just fitted the man cave with daylight floods and a heater, so I intend to spend a bit more time outside this winter.

I absolutely hate Christmas. The whole thing is driven by commercial greed. Spend a fortune on gifts and food, just for three days off that I would rather take in the summer. The world and his dog telling me how to behave and feel just because some sky fairy worshippers hijacked a festival.

Having to urgently buy a car last week has put the kybosh on spending this year, so I'm hoping it will be quiet. I've dropped hints at my favourite campsite that I would look after the site for them!

Sent from my neocore_E1R1 using Tapatalk
 

Yokel

LE
The spiritual aspects of Christmas are the good things about it, it is the commercialisation that has spoiled it for so many people. I hate being told how I should feel, and I wonder if this is part of my problem. When I was at school Dad seemed to insist on telling me that it was 'the happiest days of your life', and both parents always insisted that "he's trying to be your friend" whenever I told them that I was being mistreated.
 

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