Feeble Excuses

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by lumpy2, Jan 21, 2012.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. "I fell into the lifeboat" is surely destined to become a classic.

    It's right up there with "the dog ate my homework" and " I slipped and accidentally sat on this lightbulb".

    So what's the most pathetic/laughable excuse you've heard in the course of your professional career?
     
    • Like Like x 1
  2. chrisg46

    chrisg46 LE Book Reviewer

    Indeed...
    "What? No, you idiot, i meant left not right!! Now thousands of lives are at risk and its my responsibiltyyyyyyyyyyyyyy..... Oh shit. Oh well, while i'm here... I know a good little restaurant around here, somewhere?"
     
  3. "I have narcolepsy and thus unable to find any employment despite that, and class A medication I am prescribed not precluding me from holding a valid driving licence and using it"

    "I would have accepted the job offer but the hours were simply not enough"

    "I fall asleep when cornered, which is often".

    "Although I'm an upside down-headed cancerous cotdeath whose politics are at best naive and at worst just gash, and the populace of my local town seeing straight through that, I am absolved because I once shook a tin in aid of... and thus am justified in using the benefits system as a hammock until my dying day"
     
    • Like Like x 2
  4. "Mate you know I make the worst fucking brew." *laughs to self* Thus avoiding the making of brews for the Troop, yeah, I know fucking jack ain't it.
     
  5. That offends me.

    I have met him a few times, and if he is hard enough to deal with the sorts of me, he is hard enough to take you into my back garden and watch me kick the shit out of you.

    Persona on the internet.

    Bear that in mind, you baiting Sven cunt.

    Or did you just want me to bite because my ponytail is swishing?
     
    • Like Like x 2
  6. "It seemed like a good idea at the time Sir/Officer/Your Honour".

    Eternal classic.
     
    • Like Like x 4
  7. An invitation to enter Snail's "back garden"!!!!

    I'm banking that and will cash it when ready!
     
  8. Don't test me.
     
  9. C'mon...you're nearly there now...!
     
  10. Nope.

    Oh, and sucking up. It's not nice.*

    I actually like the bloke. You were well out of order.

    Say sorry, you navy twat, with a big beard and a yo ho ho with your rum on your big fat belly.

    Or else.

    *It actually wants me make to spew.
     
  11. No, straddle my THROBBING urgency instead and I might consider it.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  12. Not an excuse, but a dance with the devil dit:

    "Don't confuse your rank with my authority"
     
    • Like Like x 2
  13. "It's all right, I've done the assault pioneer course" - just prior to an ND

    Not mine I hasten to add :)

    Rodney2q
     
  14. Man with smoking gun in his hands, standing next to a (fortunately unoccupied) Range Rover with freshly-ventilated windscreen and rear window: "I just shot a pigeon and it must have fallen on the windscreen and broken it."

    The pigeon must have been carrying an IED judging by the state of the driver-side headrest.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  15. "I used my best judgement as I saw the situation at the time." If you knew the officer concerned you'd know why that sent shivers of dread down nearby spines.