Fecking sodding f.ucker of a seagull.

I got dive bombed by a bloody gull today. The b.astard pebbledashed my hair, jacket and shoes while planting a massive browny whitey pat just to the right of me crotch...

Managed to hit the f.ucker with a stone but didn't seem to hurt it. Slinky little b.astard!

So, my vendetta against seagulls begins. I have already prepared stocks of Bicarbonate of Soda. The weasels can't fart so they go like Richard Branson's balloon and pop.

Method of delivery? Advice please... Raisons stuffed with powder?

More cunning gull-culling techniques needed...

[Veggy, your badger-assasins may just have a job at last...]
Air gun, and shoot the fookers out of the sky

They can fart! the feckers!

On Ex Marble Tor in Gib 2002, fed the cnuts some bicarb ie a LOT of bicarb, and they 'kin survived!

Just sat on the rock looking a bit bloated.

And, whilst asleep on the tip overlooking Buffadero Trg Area on the night before the dawn attack (hurrah!)

The winged pr1cks sh@t all over my 'kin bivi bag,

poxy 'Chav of the bird world' winged muppet to$$piece gits!


Kit Reviewer
Try some carbide, or better yet sodium if you can find a decent delivery veh.
Fishing line or an airgun if in the city, shotty of number 6 if in the country. Nasty rats with wings, worse than pigeons. However if there is someone you don't like very much and they are,perhaps, asleep on the beach, try scaring a flock of the b***tads over the top of them. The results can be more than satisfactory.
Fishing hook with about ten feet of line. Insert hook into chip or piece of bread. Tie paper plane onto other end. When seagull eats chip and takes off, it thinks paper plane is predatory bird and goes into aerobatics to evade it. Stand back, open beer and watch animal kingdoms version of Dawn Patrol.
you can make/ use a bola, native american / eskimo invented traditional way of catchin birds..... look it up in any of those many "SAS Survival" Handbook things... but dont go and strangle yourself with it.... and it might be worth checking on the local legality of catching/ killing wild life where you are or you might be done under some bizarre tree hugging by law etc....

Or you could try a boomerang... worked for the aboriginies... just watch out when it comes back at you as they hurt a lot if you catch it with your face / unawares

What was that fact that was peddled to me in Port Stanley, that all the roof tops were bright coloured to scare off the sea gulls.... dont know if that was fact or fiction but there was no birds' mess on the roofs

Last option, get personal and buy/ hire/ borrow a bird of prey, hawk, eagle, falcon etc.... if it dont kill them it will make them so scared they go forth and multiply else where
Believe you'll find that Seagulls are protected (ie: NOT classed as vermin) so you can't (or at least are not meant to) just go killing them.

Now, everyone knows that feeding dry while bread to birds is bad cos it swells up inside. Bread soaked in vodka, on the other hand, doesn't. And seagulls have a VERY low tolerance for alcohol. May not finish em off, but funny as feck to watch & if anyone complains you were just trying to avoid giving them gut ache :D

Edited to keep the pedantic smartarrse BronzeWhaler below happy :lol:
Little Jack H has just found out some thing very important there..... you cant become Buffy the Sea Gull Slayer as they are not vermin .... and i bet some tree hugger will set the RSPCA on to you and so on

Other thing i fogot to say, when trying that boomerang ... dont do it near cars/ houses/ other people... unless you have open fields arround you its a bad thing to throw..... my friend asked me for a proper Aboriginal Boomerang that is good for hunting so i brought one back from the land of OZ .... and on the first attempt he managed to smash 2 of his car's windows and hit himself ( 5 stiches) and severly traumatised his black labrador who will no longer fetch thrown sticks... the very sight of any stick like objects causes it to run and hide in the house .... poor thing
Little Jack H. of course you can kill them. Its just that perhaps in some places you may get into a wee bit of bother if you get caught. Oh and the boomerang won't come back if you do hit the little pests with it. Better off using a heavy stick or an airgun or a shotty. If you put the pellet in backwards they flop around like headless chickens when they are hit. Also a splendid way of teaching the little ones wingshooting.
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