Feck it, its a shitty day...

Discussion in 'The Lamp and Sandbag II - The Tall Story Strikes B' started by smartascarrots, Feb 29, 2008.

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  1. ...and it's been a while since we had a bone thread for a Friday.

    So to start off, here's my joke for the day.

    LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP



    A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

    He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.

    He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

    Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

    London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

    Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

    London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

    Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'

    London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

    Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law. Licence and registration, please!'

    London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

    Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

    The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

    The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says,

    'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'
     
  2. Very reasonable.
     
  3. No less than any Lawyer deserves!!! :x
     
  4. A solicitor was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you take on, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners." The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
     
  5. Glaswegian books into a busy Edinburgh hotel during the Festival.

    5 minutes later he comes back and asks "Needanutharum"

    The receptionist asks if the room is of the type he booked.

    Weegie nods and repeats "Needanutharum!"

    The receptionist asks if the room is clean and adequately furnished.

    Weegie nods and repeats "Needanutharum!"

    The receptionist asks if the Weegie is aware that the hotel is almost full and only poor quality rooms are now avaialble, which are far below the standard of his current room.

    Weegie shrugs, nods and repeats "Needanutharum!"

    Receptionist shrugs back and gets key to box room on 9th floor. "Wxcuse me sir, why do you need another room?"

    Weegie takes key, "Soan fire."
     
  6. Why do lawyers wear tight ties?
    So their foreskin doesn't creep up and cover their face.

    What's the difference between a dead lawyer on a street and a dead dog on the street?
    There are skid marks in front of the dog.

    What's black and brown and look great on lawyers?
    Dobermans

    What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
    One in 50,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

    Why do they bury lawyers 27 feet under?
    'Cuz deep, deep down, they're good people!

    What's the difference between a Catfish and a lawyer?
    One is a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish.

    How can you tell when a lawyer is well hung?
    When you can't get your finger between the noose and his neck.

    What the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
    The prostitute quits after you're dead!

    What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a BMW?
    A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

    How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
    Their lips move.

    How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
    Cut the rope.

    How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
    Take your foot off it's head

    What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
    The bucket.

    What's the difference between a lawyer and a duck?
    Occasionally a duck will stick its bill up its arrse.

    If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
    It might be your bicycle.

    What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
    Their personalities.
     
  7. Go home then!
     
  8. Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down - - and shot off their testicles.

    The old lady spent a week hunting those men down -- and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be:

    'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.' Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and former prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up.

    The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way he used to, Detective Delp told reporters. Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've been through.

    The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped in broad daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row. "When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get those bastards myself 'cause I figured the Law would go easy on them," recalled the retired library worker. "And I wasn't scared of them, either-- because I've got me a gun and I've been shootin' all my life. And I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning one."

    So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's description of the sickos', tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested neighbourhood where the crime took place till she spotted the ill fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel.

    I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them, the oldster recalled.

    So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door and the minute the big one, Furth, opened the door, I shot 'em right square between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know.
    Then I went in and shot the other one as he backed up pleading to me to spare him. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in.

    Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the vigilante granny. What she did was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison, Det. Delp said, especially when 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for sainthood and a medal.





    DEPORT HER TO the U.K. -- WE NEED HER!!!
     
  9. Two boys are walking through the meadows in Edinburgh. All of a sudden a Rottweiler races over and starts attacking one of them trying to kill him. The other runs off, finds a big stick and starts beating the dog to get it off his mate and ends up killing it!

    All this time a reporter from the Scotsman was watching. He walks over to the lads.

    “Wow that was incredible! I would love to write a story about how you saved your friends life from that dog”

    The reporter starts thinking of the headlines “Edinburgh boy saves friend from certain death” or “Young hearts fan saves best friends life”.

    He asks the Lad “So tell me about yourself. Where do you stay? What football team do you support? Hearts, Hibs?”

    The boy replies “I’m fae Glasgow pal, Gers aw the way!”

    The reporter takes note and thinks of another headline “Glasgow scum brutally murders family pet!”
     
  10. A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

    The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

    The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic so think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

    The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

    The Lord replied, ......................................"You want two lanes or four?"
     
  11. A male teacher in a girls school asked: "Which part of the body expands to ten times its usual size when stimulated"
    One girl, Mary blushed furiously and said: "Sir, how dare you ask such a question. I will complain to the headteacher."
    He called for another volunteer.
    Lily spoke up: "Sir, the answer is the iris."
    "Very good, Lily," the teacher said, adding: "Mary, I have three things to say. 1) You have not done your homework, 2) you have a dirty mind and 3) one day you are going to be bitterly disappointed."
    ___________________

    An elderly English gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.

    At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

    "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.

    The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

    "Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."

    The English gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

    "Impossible. All Englishmen have to show their passports on arrival in France !"

    The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.

    Then he quietly explained.

    "Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D- Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any fcuking Frenchmen to show it to"
     
  12. There was a young lady from Trim
    Who had an incredible q u i m
    It wasn't the size, that impressed all the guys
    It was the cheese that was hung round the rim
    :lol:
     
  13. A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, and then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

    The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

    So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."

    Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, and then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.

    About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.

    "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.

    The clerk replies "Your house."
     
  14. There was a young man from Mauritius,
    Who said, "That last fcuk was delicious".
    But the next time I cum,
    It'll be up your bum.
    Cause that boil on your cnut looks suspicious.

    The once was a man from Kildaire,
    Who was shagging his wife on the stairs.
    When the bannister broke,
    He doubled his stroke.
    And finished her of in mid-air.



    Miss Snow White she was a randy cow
    And desperate for a ****,
    So off she went into the woods,
    To try and get some luck.
    She'd almost given up looking,
    When she saw some chimney smoke,
    Then she stumbled on the cottage,
    And went in for a poke.
    Her clothes came off in seconds.
    And she'd just removed her pants,
    When seven dwarves came marching in,
    With a merry song and dance.

    Snow White just stood there speechless,
    And thought she was in heaven,
    Originally wanting one good shag,
    But now she could have seven.

    Straight away she took command,
    "My fanny needs a lick!"
    And when one dwarf moved forward,
    She said "Oi-you'd better drop your pick"
    So down he went onto all fours,
    And said "I ain't licking that",
    "Not there, that is my arse-hole,
    You DOPEY little prat!"
    The next dwarf started blushing,
    "Do we have to do it here?"
    Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL,
    Unless you're a ******* queer"
    So reluctantly he whipped it out,
    To prove he was no fool.
    And Snow White gave a big "High-Ho".
    As she rode upon his tool.

    Now one dwarf wasn't smiling.
    Cos he hadn't had a sniff,
    And due to his impatience,
    He couldn't raise a stiff.

    "Relax" you GRUMPY bastard",
    So he did as he was told,
    And as soon as he was hard enough,
    He shot his fuckin load.

    The next dwarf got a blow-job,
    And she took him deep quite easy,
    But she just avoided brain-damage,
    When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.

    With three dwarves left, she turned and said,
    "You're next, I want your knob!"
    But no sooner had he entered her,
    he was sleeping on the job.

    "Wake up you SLEEPY bastard"
    She wanted more from him.
    And he woke with such excitement,
    That he filled her hairy quim.

    The next dwarf rammed his up her,
    And shagged her fanny raw,
    A dazed Snow White then whimpered.
    "That should be against the law."

    He made poor Snow White tremble,
    he was so big and thick,
    "No wonder you're so HAPPY,
    With that ******* great big prick"

    With one dwarf still remaining,
    but feeling rather sore,
    She said "You'll have to use your tongue,
    My twat can't take no more!"

    And so he put his tongue to work,
    Where others had placed their cocks,
    And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,
    She named the last dwarf DOC.

    Now Snow White couldn't do much,
    With all that spadge inside her quim,
    So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
    And filled it to the brim.

    So there's the truth about the dwarves,
    And how they got their names,
    By satisfying Miss Snow White,
    And joining in her games.
    There's one more thing you need to know,
    And that's - What happened to that cup,
    Well think of what you're drinking,
    When you next buy 7-Up!