Feautures, Advantages and Benefits of a colostomy bag

Discussion in 'Int Corps' started by subbsonic, Mar 27, 2010.

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  1. Not for the first time an alumni of S Branch has ended up with a colostomy bag. According to one contributor, this unfortunate life-changing experience presents some unusual opportunities and benefits.

    Whilst still stuck with all my colon myself, I thought it might be helpful to kick off a list some of those "left field" spin-offs, as it seems to be having a positive impact on TTP.

    I'd ;like to start the list off, but am hoping that we can harness the power of the forum to achieve maximum "benefit realisation" in terms of "Transformational Government" . Who knows there may even be a GEMS award, EPRSC or European Union funding suggestion lurking amongst us, ?

    1. No undignified squatting.
    2. Improved local situational awareness
    3. No need for clingfilm in OP
    4. Logisitics overhead reduced as loo paper is eliminated from OP packing list.
    5. More time avilable of eyes-on target
    6. Subject to ROE and Legal advice, used colostomy bags available as close-quarter, non-lethal effector.
    7. When used with tamper-evident seal, colostomy-bag sterile wrappers can be used to preserve evidence recovered during CTRs.
    8. Can be used to carry water in a combat survival situation.
    9. Save the environment by using a colostomy bag when you pick up a quarter of lemon sherberts from the sweet shop.
    10. Can be used as FFD for a sucking chest wound.
    11. Filled with straw or shredding it can make a handy sit-mat or pillow in the field.
    12. Filled with sand or polystyrene granules it will act as a handy support for a telephoto lens.
    13. Provides an interesting ice breaker at North London dinner parties.
  2. Some interesting concepts there Sub !

    Would there be a requirement for a seperate Annex to a RIPA authorisation ?

    I understand that SONIC are considering a significant sponsorship deal as they have realised the potential of the `abodominal fit` over the `under arm` or `lower leg`fit !

    Additionally, the R&D department at a global Italian defence and agricultural company based in Lutonstan are working closely with the NPIA and Wyboston to incorporate a covert Tetra aerial in a catheter !

    Zero, Zero, Zero, Zero !
  3. If you want to go for the shock factor, do what my niece did in Harvey Nicks. Walk in, show the personal shopper your colostomy bag, and ask if you could possibly get a pair of shoes to match!
  4. Theres a WO2 at an unspecified Bde HQ who is the proud owner of a brand new colostomy bag. He's found, to his delight, that due to the bags durability and the texture of the contents that it makes an ideal stress buster device for the hours counting down to home time.
  5. I think you will find that their specialist antennas division located, just off the M5 have a colostomy bag that also acts as a combined antenna for:

    an unspcified software-defined radio
    a Thuraya pager / modem
    a COFDM data link and
    a bluetooth device
  6. may i be permitted to kick off the "cons" list? purely from the operational perspective of course (rather than the life-changing impact of having a bag full of excrement about your persona for the rest of your natural).

    1. possibility of drawing unwelcome attention from target or 3rd party if bag leaks.
    2. abdominal fit gives rise to possibility of being mistaken for suicide bomber on underground / buses.
    3. possible delay to frantic "change of appearance" due to increased requirement for Duty of Care (to rest of the team).
    4. bramble bush OP = high probability of messy puncture and leaving behind sign.
    5. requirement to list bags etc on OP kit checklist.
    6. aimlessly hovering inside shops with suspicious abdominal bulge = store detective lockon.
    7. less body space for comms, weapons, rigs etc.
    8. raised profile in prone position increases chance of being shot in arse / lower back.
    9. interferes with wearing of body armour / webbing.
    10. increased chance of being shot, as less likely to just fling yourself on the ground when taking cover.
    11. budgetary strain on MOD due to requirement to pay "unpleasant working conditions" allowance to everyone in same unit as shitbag wearer.
    12. potential for compromise to target / 3rd party due to swarm of flies around wearer :D

    two questions from the SE Asia contingent: do "bag-wearers" still audibly fart (albeit from different part of body)? :? and are "baggies" excused situps during BPFA?
  7. I was at Loughborough circa 1987 where the then CO had just had a colostomy and was making everyone's life a misery. The Chief Clerk who was a good egg was leaving and as he stood up to give his farefwell address to the regi dinner in the Sgts Mess where I was waiting on announced "I need a sh1te" and emptied the bag of cold tea from the plaki bag under his arm via the pipe along his sleeve into the water jug in front of him. I think several of the attendees swamped themselves in the moments that followed.
  8. Audible flatulance is of course an potential compromise factor. However, the introduction of the `colo filter voice changer` (Copyright LSS 2009) enables the user to have pre-recorded ambient sounds to compliment both urban and rural operational environments thus minimising compromise.

    Allegedly, the recent Warrant Officers Convention confirmed that `Baggies` - which of course is on its own a qualification only obtainable from `Poo Branch` - appropriate fitness levels only applies to serving Regular and Reservist members.

    Those individuals now in their twilight years and still living off Political party conferences in Blackpool and Bournemouth (or the odd trip to Balmoral or Sandringham even) no longer require an annual test of their agility to spot a map !
  9. Sounds like a crock of sh1t to me..............taxi
  10. Yep, apparently the "tyre" fit places less pressure on the cardio-vascular system than those attached to or near limbs, and in these days where the Health & Safety of Operators is ever more important, this can only be a good thing!

    The trials for the ambient fart filter (mentioned in another post) have met some difficulty with the birdsong variant in ensuring that only calls of locally indigenous species are used, to prevent show-out to "twitchers" from the other team.

    The bags also make an excellent emergency sausage kit should one find oneself stranded on the hard-shoulder, around tea-time, with a frying pan, a supply of herbs, breadcrumb and pork but no means of producing said food item! :D

    Important thread Subby. Well done!
  11. 16 But with some Rolled oats, onions and perhaps some neeps, it may also provide a tactical solution to the "Dalbettie" question
  12. Baggis, Neeps and Tatties???? :hungry:
  13. You just know that the flatulence issue is going to conflate...


    To those of us with IBS and other minor variations on the theme, this is small beer. Or Old Fart. Whichever.
  14. It also makes an excellent hot water bottle following a vindaloo.
  15. Mmmm. Footwarming...