Favourite comments from the drill square

The scathing wit of drill instructors is legendary; dripping with scorn, guaranteed to humiliate, yet funny enough to give everyone else in the squad a laugh too. The best are the ones that can do all that without even swearing, but that shouldn't stop foul language from being included here. This is, after all, the NAAFI bar.

My own favourite is "[insert name here], why are you looking down? There is no money there, I have already checked!"

or [as recounted by Patrick Litchfield to Michael Parkinson when discussing the Sultan of Brunei's time at Sandhurst]

"Stand still, you 'orrible little monarch, you!"

Any more offers?
"You make me so angry, I just want to go home and beat my wife"

CSgt, SG, Sandhurst 2002.

"The fate of my girlfriend's orgasm rests in your hands. If you get this drill movement right, I get to go home and give her one."
CSM, probably about three days later.
"If you fidget one more time, I'll stick this pace stick through your head and ride you around camp like a f ucking moped"
Mr XXXXX Do you have a Hard-on?

No Staff!

Well you should have Mr XXXXX because you are standing next to the biggest C*nt in the British Army.....

RMAS circa '86.
RMAS again.

Irish Gds Adjt on pass out rehearsal. "Sgt Major that man's moving"

Gren Gds CSM. "This one Sir?"

Adjt: "No, not him, the other one"

CSM: "This one Sir?"

Adjt: "No not him, Oh he'll do. Lock him away!"
rip them arms away like your ripping a rapist off your sister always gave me a chuckle
If I see those arms move again.... I'll rip them off and batter you to death with the soggy ends!!

Boy did we chuckle


Happy days


CSM "you're an ex engineer aren't you pvt *****?"
PVT "yes sir"
CSM "i can tell by the way march, stop it!"
"CJ you fcuking retard get off my square"

(Please find CJ sat on a bench outside the Naafi)
Retiring RSM somewhere in Norfolk. We're doing Sunday Parade... probably still p*ssed from the previous night's Mess lunacy. Said RSM is hiding in the Biffa Bins and shouting eyes right/left/about turn etc. Total confusion... feckin great laugh though as some Lord Lt. bird was taking the salute.
Supposedly from the RMAS (but I couldn't possibly comment)

"Dig those heels in you ginger F*cker and I don't care who your dad is!"


Favourite of mine was " Gunner **** you remind me of my sister", "Oh do I Sarge?", " yes and she's a useless cnut too!"


"Am I hurting you?", "No sarge!", " Well I should be, i'm standing on your fcuking HAIR"

And from my time as a crab, a certain chap called "Maggot" walking across the square at RAF Coltishall gets spotted by the Station Warrant Officer (Roughly the same job as the RSM) who screams at Maggot "AIIIRRRMAAAAN" expecting him to double over and collect his bollocking, Maggot shouts back "SWO!!!!!!" and runs off giggling, 25 minutes later after the SWO spends some time looking through Pers Docs at the PD point he spots maggot's File about a minute later the phone in the section rings....Maggot picks up the phone and goes white and says "Oh God!"...we can hear the SWO screaming "Not Fcuking quite, you get to meet that Cnut AFTER you've met ME!"

Also watching some numpty from Station Headquarters who foolishly slashed his peak being referred to as "'OOoodoyoofinkyoooarrrrrObergruppenfcukingfuhrerHymenstretcher?" by a VERY batey RAF Adminer in a parade square Glaswegian lilt, spent the next 5 minutes trying not to crack up just like the other 149 blokes there, whilst "Glaswegian Screaming Skull" verbally tore him anew arrsehole for damaging crown property....
Said, no shouted by, CSM "SD" Queens Coy 1st Bn Grens, circa 1984, when the company was joining the square with the rest of the Bn already in situ.

Come on the Queens company, heads up, and show this shower of bast_rds what you are, you are the "master race", dont let them think they are equals.

I was, and still to this day, am convinced he was Hitlers love child.

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