Faux Pas

#1
Listening to JFK's monumental speech about the moon programme:

"We shall go to the moon....we shall go to the moon........BIG PAUSE.......we shall go to the moon in this decade....and do the other things"

"And do the other things"! What sort of a fecking statement is that for the supposed leader of the free world to come out with? Was that the best he could manage? He may has well have said " and do the dishes".

Obviously the big pause was when he flipped the page and realised someone had swapped his notes for a crutch shot of Racquel Welch!

Nearly as good as his 'Ich bin ein Berliner' - translated loosely 'I am a doughnut', a Berliner being a type of doughnut. 'I am a Berliner' would have been 'Ich bin Berliner'.

In any case, it got me thinking to how many of you learned readers have fcuked up during a speech or similar or made a faux pas of astronomic proportions at work or at the pub.
 
#2
Too many times to count. Usually alchohol based tourettes. I do remember giggling in 1996 when some BBC bloke started off a piece saying "And in the cnut kentryside......."
 
#3
Wollt ihn den Totalen Krieg? Apparently some nut at the back of the crowd yelled: Ja! Gerne!

We all know what happened next...

A while later a Dutch prime minister said in a radio speech:"You can sleep soundly in your beds tonight." This obviously didn't go down well in Rotterdam, because a week later most beds in that city had been vapourised by the Luftwaffe and said PM had quickly surrendered and made for the UK.
 
#4
As a NITAT Instructor I was lecturing the Troops in reaction to Mortar Attacks. 3 Bde had issued some boll0x instruction and when questioned on the efficacy of said said instruction replied " The Bde Comd is bald, never trust a bald headed man!"

Oh how the bald-headed CO at the back of the gathering chortled and laughed :oops:
 
#6
I assured visitors on an Open Day at my university that foreign language tuition was given by naked speakers (should have been native).

On the plus side, it seems to have solved our recruitment problem...

Not as bad as the leaflet I produced encouraging visitors to experience what we have to offer 'at fist hand' (first). This was picked up on by a particularly arch colleague in a meeting after 1000 copies had been photocopied and distributed. She shunted the leaflet across the table with the typo triple-underlined saying 'I think that is a bit Freudian'.
 
#7
"I heard somebody say, 'Where's (Nelson) Mandela?' Well, Mandela's dead. Because Saddam killed all the Mandelas." --George W. Bush, on the former South African president, who is still very much alive, Washington, D.C., Sept. 20, 2007

A classic from the shaved monkey. For more see below

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/blbushisms.htm
 
#8
"I heard somebody say, 'Where's (Nelson) Mandela?' Well, Mandela's dead. Because Saddam killed all the Mandelas." --George W. Bush, on the former South African president, who is still very much alive, Washington, D.C., Sept. 20, 2007

A classic from the shaved monkey. For more see below

politicalhumor.about.c...shisms.htm
Bush looked rather uncomfortable the other night when telling a press conference that "millitary action in iraq (by the turks) would not be the best solution". Then a rather akward pause as he realises what he's said............. :twisted:
 
#9
HH_2 said:
Bush looked rather uncomfortable the other night when telling a press conference that "millitary action in iraq (by the turks) would not be the best solution". Then a rather akward pause as he realises what he's said............. :twisted:
NOW he tells us! :x
 
#10
I think I frightened the crap out of my GP last week. Having reached that point in life where nightly visits to the kazi are a tad more than frequent I figured time to get checked out.

Well, the obvious thought is the prostate so GP tells me what he needs to do, to which I reply with the old classic, "So long as I can see both of your hands on my shoulders at all times" His raised eyebrow made me realise what I'd said.......backpedal mode - quick!!!!. "Noooooo, I mean one of your hands".......DOH........too late...oh boll0x!

You just know when you want the ground to open up beneath your feet!
 

B_AND_T

LE
Book Reviewer
#11
Oh I know the feeling.

Hows does "Are you getting the beers in" end up as "Will you marry me"?

The bitch did as well.
 

old_fat_and_hairy

LE
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
#12
A particular superntendent berating a friend of mine (as I stood outside door listenin) saying: 'What's more, PC ******* you have only attended 2 sudden deaths in last 6 months! Why not?' To which my friend replied with the obvious 'Miserable sod keep staying alive sir'.
 
#13
My excuse, I was young, very young.
I was complimented for my knowledge on animals at junior school, My teacher asked me how i know so much? I replied "I want to be a naturist when I grow up miss"
"very nice" she said "are you sure."

also

James the butler had a tremendous command of English but had trouble with French phraseology, one such was the phrase Faux Paix so he decided to ask his Lordship for an analogy.

"Why of course James," His Lordship replied "You remember the other week when the Bishop and Lady Soames came to dinner and prior to dinner they were both walking in the garden and the Bishop pricked his finger on one of the rose bushes? Then at dinner whilst you were serving , Lady Soames remarked to the Bishop "how is your prick?" and he said "throbbing" you said "S**t!" and dropped the peas. That was a Faux Paix!!"
 
#14
I once gave the Loyal toast at my old college and instead of saying, 'Here's to the dear old Queen, I said.....well, I'll let you do the math.
 

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#15
As a young and frankly stupid man, a chum arranged a lift for me from Madrid to Algeciras with a Septic in a big vehicle. He asked if I minded if he picked up hitch hikers. "Only if we can ascertain if they are English or American. It wont do to be humping Dagoes around the place".

To which he replied "My mother is Spanish-American and my name is Diago".

"Ah. I see. Arent the mountains lovely?" Cue several hours of strained silence.
 
#16
You could have heard a pin drop at our school debating society when one of my classmates, emulating Robert Robinson as Call My Bluff chairman, introduced one of the panellists, a very large, young female English teacher, as the hugely promiscuous Miss Gxxxs. The poor soul didn't know what it meant :oops: :oops: :oops:
 
#17
Stewey rocked up at our place with the bad news about his cancer. The Scarey One, being as polite as ever, suggested coffee. "How long have you got?".... what she meant was should she make instant or put on the posh machine we've got..... Stewey saw the funny side thankfully.

I did the usual at Lydd years ago teachin Drill. "As you will note from my position I am fully erect...." was it a mistake or did I just want to get a laugh? You decide.
 
#18
The squadron was deploying on an ex early in the morning and the vehicle crews were sleeping in the vehicle sheds ready for the early start.

A friend was asked why he'd dumped a girlfriend. He replied that she'd turned into a psycho bitch from hell and also because she had fat ankles.

There was an awed silence from the rest of the troop as we realised she was in a sleeping bag about five feet away, and was awake and listening....

I think it was alcohol plus the "fat ankles" comment which triggered the violence sometime later...

:)

Rodney2q
 
#20
Well apart from simple stuff like when I keep saying Whorehouse instead of warehouse....


There was this time when I chance upon a road accident. Two young women were in a car that had spun around, hit a crash barrier and shook them up a bit. One was stuck inside by a dented door but was otherwise unharmed, the other one was standing shocked beside the car, totally dazed. After a few minutes of calming and reassuring words an ambulance and police car arrived to deal with it all. As we were getting back in the car to drive on, there was suddenly a loud outburst of hysterical screaming and wailing from the dazed woman. Apparently instead of "superficial" I must have said, "Don't worry, you'll be just fine, it's only facial..."

The look the paramedic shot my way as she wailed, "I'm going to be scarred for life!" showed that he didn't have a sense of humour...

Still, bloody woman drivers, etc....
 
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