Faux Pas

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by SlimeyToad, Oct 19, 2007.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Listening to JFK's monumental speech about the moon programme:

    "We shall go to the moon....we shall go to the moon........BIG PAUSE.......we shall go to the moon in this decade....and do the other things"

    "And do the other things"! What sort of a fecking statement is that for the supposed leader of the free world to come out with? Was that the best he could manage? He may has well have said " and do the dishes".

    Obviously the big pause was when he flipped the page and realised someone had swapped his notes for a crutch shot of Racquel Welch!

    Nearly as good as his 'Ich bin ein Berliner' - translated loosely 'I am a doughnut', a Berliner being a type of doughnut. 'I am a Berliner' would have been 'Ich bin Berliner'.

    In any case, it got me thinking to how many of you learned readers have fcuked up during a speech or similar or made a faux pas of astronomic proportions at work or at the pub.
     
  2. Too many times to count. Usually alchohol based tourettes. I do remember giggling in 1996 when some BBC bloke started off a piece saying "And in the cnut kentryside......."
     
  3. Wollt ihn den Totalen Krieg? Apparently some nut at the back of the crowd yelled: Ja! Gerne!

    We all know what happened next...

    A while later a Dutch prime minister said in a radio speech:"You can sleep soundly in your beds tonight." This obviously didn't go down well in Rotterdam, because a week later most beds in that city had been vapourised by the Luftwaffe and said PM had quickly surrendered and made for the UK.
     
  4. As a NITAT Instructor I was lecturing the Troops in reaction to Mortar Attacks. 3 Bde had issued some boll0x instruction and when questioned on the efficacy of said said instruction replied " The Bde Comd is bald, never trust a bald headed man!"

    Oh how the bald-headed CO at the back of the gathering chortled and laughed :oops:
     
  5. I assured visitors on an Open Day at my university that foreign language tuition was given by naked speakers (should have been native).

    On the plus side, it seems to have solved our recruitment problem...

    Not as bad as the leaflet I produced encouraging visitors to experience what we have to offer 'at fist hand' (first). This was picked up on by a particularly arch colleague in a meeting after 1000 copies had been photocopied and distributed. She shunted the leaflet across the table with the typo triple-underlined saying 'I think that is a bit Freudian'.
     
  6. "I heard somebody say, 'Where's (Nelson) Mandela?' Well, Mandela's dead. Because Saddam killed all the Mandelas." --George W. Bush, on the former South African president, who is still very much alive, Washington, D.C., Sept. 20, 2007

    A classic from the shaved monkey. For more see below

    http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/blbushisms.htm
     
  7. Bush looked rather uncomfortable the other night when telling a press conference that "millitary action in iraq (by the turks) would not be the best solution". Then a rather akward pause as he realises what he's said............. :twisted:
     
  8. NOW he tells us! :x
     
  9. I think I frightened the crap out of my GP last week. Having reached that point in life where nightly visits to the kazi are a tad more than frequent I figured time to get checked out.

    Well, the obvious thought is the prostate so GP tells me what he needs to do, to which I reply with the old classic, "So long as I can see both of your hands on my shoulders at all times" His raised eyebrow made me realise what I'd said.......backpedal mode - quick!!!!. "Noooooo, I mean one of your hands".......DOH........too late...oh boll0x!

    You just know when you want the ground to open up beneath your feet!
     
  10. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    Oh I know the feeling.

    Hows does "Are you getting the beers in" end up as "Will you marry me"?

    The bitch did as well.
     
  11. old_fat_and_hairy

    old_fat_and_hairy LE Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    A particular superntendent berating a friend of mine (as I stood outside door listenin) saying: 'What's more, PC ******* you have only attended 2 sudden deaths in last 6 months! Why not?' To which my friend replied with the obvious 'Miserable sod keep staying alive sir'.
     
  12. My excuse, I was young, very young.
    I was complimented for my knowledge on animals at junior school, My teacher asked me how i know so much? I replied "I want to be a naturist when I grow up miss"
    "very nice" she said "are you sure."

    also

    James the butler had a tremendous command of English but had trouble with French phraseology, one such was the phrase Faux Paix so he decided to ask his Lordship for an analogy.

    "Why of course James," His Lordship replied "You remember the other week when the Bishop and Lady Soames came to dinner and prior to dinner they were both walking in the garden and the Bishop pricked his finger on one of the rose bushes? Then at dinner whilst you were serving , Lady Soames remarked to the Bishop "how is your prick?" and he said "throbbing" you said "S**t!" and dropped the peas. That was a Faux Paix!!"
     
  13. I once gave the Loyal toast at my old college and instead of saying, 'Here's to the dear old Queen, I said.....well, I'll let you do the math.
     
  14. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    As a young and frankly stupid man, a chum arranged a lift for me from Madrid to Algeciras with a Septic in a big vehicle. He asked if I minded if he picked up hitch hikers. "Only if we can ascertain if they are English or American. It wont do to be humping Dagoes around the place".

    To which he replied "My mother is Spanish-American and my name is Diago".

    "Ah. I see. Arent the mountains lovely?" Cue several hours of strained silence.