Fatherhood, whats the crack?

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Ravers, Jun 21, 2010.

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  1. Ravers

    Ravers LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    Well it appears the years I spent waving my genitals at high power radars on various warships hasn't worked and I'm going to have a legitimate child to add to all the ones I fathered with sex workers in the Far East, Latin America and Plymouth.

    Mrs Ravers will be dropping sprog number 1 in November and to be honest I'm a little daunted by the prospect. She is going through the advanced stages of pregnancy paranoia at the moment which is particularly interesting, a high point being the security scare she sparked by refusing to walk through the metal detector at the airport.

    On the plus side she also has the pregnancy horn so I get raped the minute I get home from work each night.

    So any tips on how I should raise the ankle biter? We don't know if it's a boy or girl yet but either way I quite like the name Dave. I'm looking forward to taking it to play school and teaching it to bully the stuck up little brats with stupid names like Apple and Hermione. Obviously I will be banning it from such shite as Playstation, Telly Tubbies and kids from poor families but what other things should I be taking into account?
    • Like Like x 2
  2. Congratulations!
  3. you must make sure you have the least influence possible on the poor child and that it never takes its inspirations from you in any way or form !
  4. Ravers

    Ravers LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    Cheers, can I get you to teach it punctuation and grammar?
  5. Congratulations,you get out what you put in,treat it like a human being,and not a doll. Enjoy it,and chill,the problem today is to many people making lots of dosh,advising you on how difficult it is to bring up kids properly,mums have been doing it for 1000,s of years,it aint rocket science.

    Wonder at the sight of a baby morphing milk,and cereal into smelly green stuff. :lol:
  6. When you’re bored of it, sell it to Madonna.

    Oh and congratulations.
  7. Taking photos of your new-born is apparently fine, until you post them on the internet.
  8. Congratulations, Good Luck and all that!

    Learn to distinguish between it's cries meaning "I really have a problem" and "I suppose it'll wait another couple of hours". Mucho grief can attach itself to those who pander to its every noise.

    Playstation and poor people, agreed. However, Telly Tubbies offer a valuable insight into the psychology of infant predators. They aren't fazed by anything, not even The Bear and The Scary Lion; a couple of major predators wandering around and they sit at the top of a hill hooting away with laughter and the occasional mock 'Oooh!'. What's more the Lion leaves them alone. Sure sign you don't want to mess with a Telly Tubby if a bear is a better prospect.
  9. I remeber asking a mate from work how his kids are doing all he said was "Flamming Kids, all I am is a Wallet and a Taxi!"
    That's pretty much all a Dad is about! :lol:

    P.S. Congrats.
  10. Mate, are you in for fun?

    We're talking pram trip's to the park to see MILF's, toddler groups full of MILF's, Tot Singing/activity sessions abundant with MILF's and also lot's of the 'Ahh!' and 'Ooooh!' of MILF's as they come up to you to see Ravers Jnr.

    A bloke out in the sun walking with a baby is a MILF magnet.

    Forget the baby-enforced insomnia, the puke/shite/dribble, the 000's of clothes changes a day and having to think for someone else other than Nº 1 for once; Just think MILF's.

    Congratulations, by the way!

    PS. Please, Please Pretty Please, can you let ARRSE name the baby?? C'mon we'll be sensible (for once) :wink:
    • Like Like x 1
  11. The String And Octopus Guide To Parenthood

    by Colin Bowles

    Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

    1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a bean bag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.
    Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local pharmacy, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.

    2. Before you finally go a head and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience,appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it, it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all the

    3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm, put the bagdown, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

    4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, first smear ice cream onto the sofa and strawberry jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower bedsthen rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

    5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy a live octopus and a fishnet bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the fishnet bag so that noneof the arms hang out. Time allowed for this: all morning.

    6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only cellophane tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk container, aping pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Pops, and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.

    7. Forget the Peugeot 205 and buy a Sierra. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate popsickle and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a pencil and wedge it firmly in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate biscuits. Mash them down into the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.

    8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down thefront path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

    9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

    10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to be a pre-school child, a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for every thing the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

    11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy oatmeal and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the oatmeal is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old baby.

    12. Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat, Fireman Sam, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "Postman Pat" at work, you finally qualify as a parent.
    • Like Like x 1
  12. Make sure you buy your bint something for stretch marks and she'll have a shaggy flange for a bit as well.
  13. The child is yours to nurture as you see fit up until a single given day. You will no doubt instill it with a decent sense of right and wrong, teach it to read and sing songs, learn its alphabet and how to count. You will impart all your high standards on to it and then...................

    DAY ONE of school where it will mix with "other peoples" children. Other people being a loose term for chav filth and children being a reference to the feral scumbags they have spawned and ignored for 5 years.

    Your child will want to do all the cool things these w ankers do. it will be your job to play it right and see that they maintain YOUR standards and not the dole drawing poor people's.

    I have many tips and hints on how to do this but I won't bore your arse off with them now. PM me if you want!

    In addition stand by for the world meisters of black catting: ante natal groups of wimmin who "took 18 years of labour and a split that required 13456778 sticthes." These people will always be "rushed" into hospital and everything will be "acute" or "major". Sit and listen to the war stories from the idiots and try not to piss yourself laughing as they try and outdo each other.

    One more thing, always drop and pick child up from school. You will be the only dad there amongst a glut of single sluts who will be impressed and want to touch your tummy stick.

    PS Your offspring, regardless of gender, will have female friends in 16 years---enjoy!
  14. Porridge_gun

    Porridge_gun LE Good Egg (charities)

    1st november is along time away she could still miscarry or opt to abort
  15. Ravers

    Ravers LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    Cheers for the top tips everyone, I particularly like Leveller's idea.

    I did a quick recce to Toys R Us over the weekend and I was truly astounded at some of the cool stuff kids have these days. I quite like the idea of those little electric cars and I'm definitely getting it an official MOD endorsed Army Action Man, I'll probably get it the crab one too, so that it can relive the fun I had as a childhood, torturing my sister's Ken (Barbie's gay pash) doll.

    I still have a massive box of Lego in my basement which I am looking forward to watching the kid try to eat piece by piece, although I am a little worried about getting bits embedded in my feet. All in all though, this dad business is becoming quite appealing.

    Obviously I'll leave all the night time crying stuff and shitty nappies to my missus.