Fat Splashers

I believe that kebabs are in fact lots of old sausages, squished together and with added lard, floor sweepings, and ming thrown in.  Yummy!!


Kebab is also a derogatory, but wholly suitable, remark to describe our fairer sex's most useful organ. Chilli and garlic sauce is a useful accompaniment when the above mentioned organ is "gopping".


Door Bundle - you must have been with some mingers in your time mate!!
Some of us 'fairer sex' have sweet smelling flowers down there.


Being with mingers does have it's plus points. It gives you an incentive to better yourself on the bagging front and it makes the gopper feel like a million dollars when shes been jumped by the "para pit pony"

And yes, I do agree that some of you have sweet smelling flowers. I've unfurled many a beautful rose with my tongue.
SB.....you're last comment probably explains why each time I have seen you, you've had your head between your legs! (and I thought that you were just feeling sick!).......as for 'sweet smelling flowers'....apparantly the 'Jocks' call dandillions.....'pishweeds'! ;D


I don't know where you keep getting this crap from that you 'have seen me' Ma.
That's bollox - you do not know who I am.
Enough already! if you want to carry this on I'll move the thread to the NAAFI


War Hero
What a surprise, yet another thread plunged into the depths of dull, tedious sexual inuendo.  :(
Would it not be boring if we just went on and on about the same old winge without going off at a tangent every now and again.

I'll attempt to drag it back, and disagree that all the best chef's are nicked by the orrifaces mess, because some of the chef's that i've worked with in the mess wouldn't recognise a vichy carrot if it bit them in the arrse.

Anyway as most of my collegues do, we try and mix around the messes what little talent we have these days and make do with the best that is now thrown out of the "RLC" Training Centre (Formaly the home of Army Catering)

You people who winge about the standard of the food at the hotplate are probably the same people who thought it was great that contract catering was going to replace the ACC some years ago, only to find that in some establishments in UK we were in fact replacerd by some spotty retard that looked like his whites had never been washed or he had never had a shower.

My answer...lets ditch the RLC and bring back the ACC....WE SUSTAIN

By the was what is going on camp?, is that the same as exercise, or is it PC to call it Army Camping,  and where is Sniping Bird and leeanne at the weekend, or have they gone camping together????
Watch your arrse mate......there's a little orange thing with a french accent creeping up on you! ;D
No more carrots for me Chef, i'm full...ooooohhh Matron :eek: :eek: :eek:


Our egg tossers are great, they dont cook cos of Sodexcrapso and the only one who does is- wait for it- in the Officers Mess, cos they sack their crap cooks, but in the untermensch mess we have to endure our spotty cabbabge smelling retards, I wonder why? I agree bring back the ACC, only they could make 3 months of compo chicken curry in the Gulf appertzing! Well Done Graham T!
I was inSierra Leone earlier this year with the Gurkhas, their slops were the best Ive ever seen in the field, the food was fantastic, it was amazing what they did with the ration packs, and when they ran out of fue for the stoves they built a clay oven, bloody marvelous.
Nosh Ninjas, Ration Assassins, Combat Confectioners - call them what you like they work bloody hard. [NEVER thank them though - or they might stop adding some of that personal protein to the stews]

I have the pleasure of Contract Catering and its s**te. Whoever thought that was a good idea is a tw*t - still I bet they got an MBE for it so that's ok.

The next thrilling installment - Pay as you dine. What a concept, MOD pay a firm to produce cheap food and then soldiers pay for eating crap. :roll:
I agree, contract catering is crap. I live in an Orifice's Mess with contract catering. We have one good chef and several dreadful ones. We are still being served up leftovers from our Summer Ball, so we've paid for each meal 6 times! The contractors consistently fail to meet the contracted standards; there is supposed to be monitoring but this is mainly done by civ servants at MOD, so naturally they couldn't care less, as long as it's cheap.

On the other hand, in Oman a couple of years ago, the RAF Mobile Catering Support Unit, with attached RLC chefs, produced consistently superb food, and plenty of it, in outrageous heat (70+deg C in the kitchens). What's more, not only did I never hear them complain, they didn't have any heat casualties (unlike the Cav). They had a noticeboard full of thank-you letters, so were clearly appreciated.
Support VBs comment re RAF Mobile Unit. Used them in RN nuclear accident exercises and they were excellent - good grub, consistently, 24/7, and no just playing to the VIPs.
I nailed a slop in Woolwich in 1991 (god im old) dont know about her cooking skills but she was a belting shag
in response for all you moaning f**kers about 'slop jockies' bear this in mind, of the £3 a day a singley pays for food the chef only recieves £1.80 to provide 3 meals a day, my answer to all you moaners is go down tesco like i have to and feed yourself 3 meals aday for that, not f**king likely. plus when on tour or ex you get it free so dont be so ungrateful.

dont get me wrong there is no excuse for crap on the hotplate, but £1.80 only go's so far.

at present the caterers are undermaned like most other trades and have to rely on civilian chefs on £4.60 to fill in on the shortfall, that old saying springs to mind 'pay peanuts get monkeys'.

how many grunts can go into the kitchen and produce a meal to a basic standard, not many, but most chefs can go into the field and perform as an infantry soldier to a basc standard, UP THE CHEFS.

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