"Fast pie arm" research accidentally hits on root cause

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by BrunoNoMedals, Oct 12, 2009.

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  1. BrunoNoMedals

    BrunoNoMedals LE Reviewer


    Not a particularly interesting read for the most part, apart from seemingly indicating that little fatties who attend this "scheme" don't like the idea of surgery because they'd rather put the effort in (which I'm calling WAH on).

    The bit that stood out for me, however, was this line:

    The researchers may not have realised it, but right here is the crux of the obesity problem boiled down to cold, hard facts. If only 42% of our supersize generation are getting any form of necessary abuse at school, what kind of drive are they going to have to slim down?

    It's a shocking state of affairs, and I feel it's worthy of another study. Go back twenty years and interview people who were fat kids in the late 80s. I hypothesise that significantly more kids got bullied for weight issues back then (a time when obesity wasn't such an issue), and if findings support this theory then we have proof that bullying is a necessary part in keeping to a healthy weight. It should be institutionalised across the state sector, for the good of the children!
  2. My Bold...nail on head Bruno, then there were far fewer fat f**kers so more of us 'goodlooking sport gods' could concentrate on them, now that we are fewer in nos. we can't get round them all... :D
  3. BrunoNoMedals

    BrunoNoMedals LE Reviewer

    An interesting counter-theory, to be sure. Has obesity increased because fat kids don't get bullied so much - or is the lower level of bullying proof that there are too many extra bloaters to kick?

    I feel a PhD coming...
  4. This ultimately boils down to the Fat Cnut Paradox (FCP) - despite the overwhelming need for a concerted campaign of bullying and ridicule to assist these piglets in slimming down we are also in the position where the pie scoffing little buggers have grown so many in number that the slim, popular kids can't handle the additional workload.

    Back when I were a lad we only had a couple of fat wheezers in the whole year. It was a fairly simple job to keep up a real campaign of ridicule and intimidation and eventually they saw sense and lost weight - the fat girl actually went on to be quite a looker, and with the low selfesteem previously engendered by the bullying campaign she was a right dirty cow who would do anything for a sympathy shag - everyone was happy - except her of course, but that doesn't really matter. Asa bonus we also had enough time left over to pick on the ginger kid and the one from the pikey family just out of town.

    What I am driving at here is that with a far higher number of chubby salad dodgers in each year the popular thin and normal kids can't keep up the required levels of casual violence and lunch money theft to have any real effect.

    I therefore propose that we recruit from the ranks of the recently retired ex services personnel and form a Mobile Bullying Team (MBT) to be deployed on demand to stand outside school gates and bully fat kids until they repent of their chip fuelled ways and slim down. Without too much re-training the average ex squaddie will have a fund of fattish jokes and other wizard wheezes to ensure that all of the elastic waistband kids get the high levels of intimidation needed.

    We could extend this to encompass emos, gingers and all manner of other socially unnacceptable kids and our schools will once again become the exclusive domain of good looking slim and rosy cheeked apple scrumpers whose only bullying comitment left is - obviously - trainee teacher, gingers and gay maths tutors.

    Everyone's a winner.
  5. BrunoNoMedals

    BrunoNoMedals LE Reviewer

    Do you want the Communities Secretary or Health Secretary job when the ARRSE Party gets in power?
  6. Very kind offer - what I actually want to be is the evil machiavellian plotter - the power behind the throne, but with special responsibilities for bullying fat people and research into fat powered energy provision as discussed in various scholarly and laudible threads already on here.
  7. You would need a peerage and to be a "Son of Sodom" with a "wide ring "of dubious "friends" :twisted:
  8. BrunoNoMedals

    BrunoNoMedals LE Reviewer

    Three out of four isn't a bad start :D
  9. I'm sorry. I cannot stand idly by, watching you march to your own destruction. You want to fuel the nation with fatties (perfectly acceptable), yet you seem intent on cutting your own supply by bullying them thin before harvest! Have you gone mad? Or is it your intention to annexe the Americas for the purposes of fuel? :?
  10. BrunoNoMedals

    BrunoNoMedals LE Reviewer

    Fewer fatties is a result of a number of things, include lower consumption of processed foodstuffs and more time spent outside at the expense of benefit-scrounging salad dodgers watching Jeremy Kyle all day. Such things reduce the nation's energy requirements overall, thus we'll always have as many fatties as we need to burn.

    If they're all intent on getting slim as a result of extreme bullying, we can stick them on treadmills linked to generators.

    It's natural balance in perfect motion.
  11. Surely Germany would suffice? Their armed forces are somewhat tubby, and wouldn't pose too much of a problem. They could even fuel the newly designed Challengers - a personal improvement that allows fatties to be stuck in the fuel tanks and slowly absorbed.

    Its like slow releasing sugar for a vehicle. :twisted:
  12. First up - I am no Mandlebummer, I do enjoy brown love but only when it's me giving and a female recipient. However I am more than happy to accept a peerage in order to fulfil my master plan.

    Back to the important balance between fatties and the ever looming fuel crisis. I propose that we deploy the MBTs with a mobile liposuction unit. Then, in a two pronged approach the MBTs can ridicule the cake lovers until, tearful and vulnerable they run for the comfort of the mobile liposuction unit in order to become thin and popular. We harvest them and return them to the school where they will once more be free of bullying, feel better about themselves and start another pieathon - the circle will complete when they have once again expanded back to previous size at which point the MBT is redeployed.

    Not only can we adapt this model to work on sink estates, outside jobcentres and for everybody in Lancashire but, once perfected, we can export the model and expertise to other nations. The US, Germany and Italy should all be takers, although in Italy's case it will only apply to the over 45 female population.

    Job creation and valuable lard supplies all secured in one easy move - sensible policies for a happier Britain
  13. Oooh thats the stuff - imagine the power generated by that lot - buy em up cheap, distribute them in, say, Blackbird Leys or Bedminster and then - whoopee - harvest time, you could run a county on that little lot.