I'm sure I've read shedloads on farts here, can't be arrsed to search though. Farts have to be the best bodily function next to shooting your wad. Farting 'on the march' is a favourite - one fart per pace, my record is 21 paces - OK I made short fast steps and probably could have pushed it out to 23 or 24 if I was wearing dark trousers and on the way home and not the way out. Most savoured farts are done in your maggot (sleeping bag for the benefit of .............. whatever). You see, in a normal bed it can escape and also mix with more air. But in a maggot it is confined and has only one way out; you can just unzip a few inches - savour the vintage, zip back up - repeat several times - long after the normal wafting of the duvet I think my best fart happened in America - an 'exchange' exercise, we were in Fort something or other in Tacoma. Food was 'different' - in the queue for the breakfast hotplate you had to pass about 5 coke/milkshake machines - all FREE! Then stuff yourself with the shite that fat yanks eat, man my guts took some adapting, and while they did, God, the green smoke was of prize-winning quality. Anyway, one day I'm in the PX - felt a corker coming on, looked left; looked right - no-one in my aisle (!) Oh Yeah, minced my cheeks together, waited, waited, and then let it out - oooooooh so slowly - the heat alone was a sign of a classic - wafted the hand from scrote to throat and savoured. God bless America! Turned around - RIGHT behind me is a VERY.... very ..... short woman! If she had been a Brit woman she would have quietly walked away, probably not ever mentioned it to anyone. Yanks are different - she told me I was a disgusting pig. I apologised, but added that even the Queen farts. Wonder how many paces her record is?