Farts & arthritis

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Welshexpat, Apr 26, 2007.

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  1. I'm sure I've read shedloads on farts here, can't be arrsed to search though.

    Farts have to be the best bodily function next to shooting your wad.

    Farting 'on the march' is a favourite - one fart per pace, my record is 21 paces - OK I made short fast steps and probably could have pushed it out to 23 or 24 if I was wearing dark trousers and on the way home and not the way out.

    Most savoured farts are done in your maggot (sleeping bag for the benefit of .............. whatever). You see, in a normal bed it can escape and also mix with more air. But in a maggot it is confined and has only one way out; you can just unzip a few inches - savour the vintage, zip back up - repeat several times - long after the normal wafting of the duvet

    I think my best fart happened in America - an 'exchange' exercise, we were in Fort something or other in Tacoma.

    Food was 'different' - in the queue for the breakfast hotplate you had to pass about 5 coke/milkshake machines - all FREE! Then stuff yourself with the shite that fat yanks eat, man my guts took some adapting, and while they did, God, the green smoke was of prize-winning quality.

    Anyway, one day I'm in the PX - felt a corker coming on, looked left; looked right - no-one in my aisle (!) Oh Yeah, minced my cheeks together, waited, waited, and then let it out - oooooooh so slowly - the heat alone was a sign of a classic - wafted the hand from scrote to throat and savoured. God bless America!

    Turned around - RIGHT behind me is a VERY.... very ..... short woman!

    If she had been a Brit woman she would have quietly walked away, probably not ever mentioned it to anyone. Yanks are different - she told me I was a disgusting pig. I apologised, but added that even the Queen farts.

    Wonder how many paces her record is?
  2. yanks dont fart the hot air rises and comes out of the other end its why their breath smells
  3. She could outfart you anyday mateyboy: she can fart out the front AND the back.

    Just wind her up, squeeze the middle and savour the breeze
  4. Fart threads used to go great guns in the Naafi Bar.

    It seems even here, there's a wind of change.
  5. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    Your right, it used to be such a gas.
  6. now they're all just full of hot air.
  7. Biped

    Biped LE Book Reviewer

    Has anyone here ever done such a good fart that they could actually taste it? If not, why not?
  8. How to "pun" a thread to death.

    Nice one.
  9. You could call it a follow up action and I do insist on following through.
  10. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer


    Be fair, we have only just started.
  11. Seconded.

    Way too many threads are just turning into pathetic one line 'pun offs' and boring the shi-t out of eveyone else.

  12. Many years ago when I was a London Bus Driver, I started on Routmaster buses, the big red ones where the driver sat in a little cabin all on hisown. This meant you could drop one safe in the knowledge that you were the only recipient of whatever wafted out of your pipe. Except perhaps for the driver who took your bus over when you finished your shift or went for a break. Anyway, after a short while I trained up for the single deck one man bus called 'red arrows'. No conductor, just me and about 70 Londoners jammed in like sardines, without a barrier between us. The passengers were meant to be behind cash macines at the front, to prevent them being hurled through the windscreen, should you hit the brakes Bedford RL style. One day there were three buses missing in front of me and the Inspector just kept piling them on until there were about half a dozen jammed in the small space next to me as the rest of the bus was so full you could not get a fag paper between the bodies. We moved off and I soon got a fair bit of speed up going up Park Lane. As I entered the one way system round marble arch, I forgot I was not alone in my routmaster cabin and let rip with the Mother of all farts. It not only bellowed above the noise of the engine, it smelt like a dozen skunks had crawled up my arse and commited mass suicide together. Wonder of wonders, all the passengers that were jammed next to me managed to move through to the rear of the bus, happy days.
  13. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    Aaahhh Bless!
  14. Or we could just call you a nob?

    Farts are big and clever. The art is in the deliverence of which thousands of scriptures have been written (most of which remain in the ARRSE archives).

    To become a true trumping jedi with the full underpant force behind you...... you must master the basics starting with "Pull my finger".
  15. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    Does saving a dump up until you get home and inviting the Mrs in for a conversation posting laying said dump count?

    Mine has a very week stomach.