Farts & arthritis

#1
I'm sure I've read shedloads on farts here, can't be arrsed to search though.

Farts have to be the best bodily function next to shooting your wad.

Farting 'on the march' is a favourite - one fart per pace, my record is 21 paces - OK I made short fast steps and probably could have pushed it out to 23 or 24 if I was wearing dark trousers and on the way home and not the way out.

Most savoured farts are done in your maggot (sleeping bag for the benefit of .............. whatever). You see, in a normal bed it can escape and also mix with more air. But in a maggot it is confined and has only one way out; you can just unzip a few inches - savour the vintage, zip back up - repeat several times - long after the normal wafting of the duvet

I think my best fart happened in America - an 'exchange' exercise, we were in Fort something or other in Tacoma.

Food was 'different' - in the queue for the breakfast hotplate you had to pass about 5 coke/milkshake machines - all FREE! Then stuff yourself with the shite that fat yanks eat, man my guts took some adapting, and while they did, God, the green smoke was of prize-winning quality.

Anyway, one day I'm in the PX - felt a corker coming on, looked left; looked right - no-one in my aisle (!) Oh Yeah, minced my cheeks together, waited, waited, and then let it out - oooooooh so slowly - the heat alone was a sign of a classic - wafted the hand from scrote to throat and savoured. God bless America!

Turned around - RIGHT behind me is a VERY.... very ..... short woman!

If she had been a Brit woman she would have quietly walked away, probably not ever mentioned it to anyone. Yanks are different - she told me I was a disgusting pig. I apologised, but added that even the Queen farts.

Wonder how many paces her record is?
 
#4
Fart threads used to go great guns in the Naafi Bar.

It seems even here, there's a wind of change.
 

B_AND_T

LE
Book Reviewer
#5
Your right, it used to be such a gas.
 

Biped

LE
Book Reviewer
#7
Has anyone here ever done such a good fart that they could actually taste it? If not, why not?
 
#9
You could call it a follow up action and I do insist on following through.
 

B_AND_T

LE
Book Reviewer
#10
Cait,

Be fair, we have only just started.
 
#11
Cait said:
How to "pun" a thread to death.

Nice one.
Seconded.

Way too many threads are just turning into pathetic one line 'pun offs' and boring the shi-t out of eveyone else.

Tools.
 
#12
Many years ago when I was a London Bus Driver, I started on Routmaster buses, the big red ones where the driver sat in a little cabin all on hisown. This meant you could drop one safe in the knowledge that you were the only recipient of whatever wafted out of your pipe. Except perhaps for the driver who took your bus over when you finished your shift or went for a break. Anyway, after a short while I trained up for the single deck one man bus called 'red arrows'. No conductor, just me and about 70 Londoners jammed in like sardines, without a barrier between us. The passengers were meant to be behind cash macines at the front, to prevent them being hurled through the windscreen, should you hit the brakes Bedford RL style. One day there were three buses missing in front of me and the Inspector just kept piling them on until there were about half a dozen jammed in the small space next to me as the rest of the bus was so full you could not get a fag paper between the bodies. We moved off and I soon got a fair bit of speed up going up Park Lane. As I entered the one way system round marble arch, I forgot I was not alone in my routmaster cabin and let rip with the Mother of all farts. It not only bellowed above the noise of the engine, it smelt like a dozen skunks had crawled up my arse and commited mass suicide together. Wonder of wonders, all the passengers that were jammed next to me managed to move through to the rear of the bus, happy days.
 

B_AND_T

LE
Book Reviewer
#13
Social_Handgrenade said:
Cait said:
How to "pun" a thread to death.

Nice one.
Seconded.

Way too many threads are just turning into pathetic one line 'pun offs' and boring the shi-t out of eveyone else.

Tools.
Aaahhh Bless!
 
#14
mistersoft said:
You could call it a follow up action and I do insist on following through.
Or we could just call you a nob?


Farts are big and clever. The art is in the deliverence of which thousands of scriptures have been written (most of which remain in the ARRSE archives).

To become a true trumping jedi with the full underpant force behind you...... you must master the basics starting with "Pull my finger".
 

B_AND_T

LE
Book Reviewer
#15
Does saving a dump up until you get home and inviting the Mrs in for a conversation posting laying said dump count?

Mine has a very week stomach.
 
#16
Cait said:
mistersoft said:
You could call it a follow up action and I do insist on following through.
Or we could just call you a nob?


Farts are big and clever. The art is in the deliverence of which thousands of scriptures have been written (most of which remain in the ARRSE archives).

To become a true trumping jedi with the full underpant force behind you...... you must master the basics starting with "Pull my finger".
I'll ignore the bad spelling and poor grammar but I do get your point.

I'll probably ignore it but I get the point.
 
#17
mistersoft said:
Cait said:
mistersoft said:
You could call it a follow up action and I do insist on following through.
Or we could just call you a nob?


Farts are big and clever. The art is in the deliverence of which thousands of scriptures have been written (most of which remain in the ARRSE archives).

To become a true turmping jedi with the full underpant force behind you...... you must master the basics starting with "Pull my finger".
I'll ignore the bad spelling and poor grammar but I do get your point.

I'll probably ignore it but I get the point.
Dull.
 
#18
mistersoft said:
Cait said:
mistersoft said:
You could call it a follow up action and I do insist on following through.
Or we could just call you a nob?


Farts are big and clever. The art is in the deliverence of which thousands of scriptures have been written (most of which remain in the ARRSE archives).

To become a true trumping jedi with the full underpant force behind you...... you must master the basics starting with "Pull my finger".
I'll ignore the bad spelling and poor grammar but I do get your point.

I'll probably ignore it but I get the point.
Please don't.
 
#19
On my last PFT sit ups phase the Squadron 2IC was holding my feet. For the first five or 6 situps I consistently managed get some nice sounding farts much to her disgust and the delight of the OC. Made the PFT a little more interesting to those that were doing sit ups in fitst of laughter around me.
 
#20
Pregnant women have got to be the worst farting machines on this planet....
Walked into my whale of a sisters (7months gone) kitchen just when she ripped....I swear, before that time i have never gagged on anybodies fart in my whole life !!
 
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