Farting at an inappropriate time

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Shittypants, May 8, 2011.

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  1. Where is the most inappropriate place you have either farted or shat yourself?
  2. maguire

    maguire LE Book Reviewer

    have you got a thing about scat?
  3. Yes (ten letters)
  4. There's no such thing as an " inappropriate place" to fart.
    • Like Like x 3
  5. In my Dads face when I was 13 and thought it would be funny, bastard chased me down 3 streets, managed to lose him in the park but still got a battering when I got home*

    *more life-threatening than inappropriate, did stink to high-heaven though
  6. Negligent-Discharge

    Negligent-Discharge LE Book Reviewer

    Shat in the hood of my combat jacket on some exercise in Norfolk.

    My mate's sister-in-law died this year and matey couldn't get to the funeral 'cos she's disabled. As I'm a lay-reader - not bad for an ex-PWRR - she had asked me to say a few suitable words at the time of the funeral. I had it all ready; Jesus cried when his mate died, eternal life and prayers for the family etc. However, the full English and the previous night's "Dog Bolter" started the proceedings off with a massive fart and a follow through. Thankfully, Vanessa et al heard/smelt the funny side and said that her sis-in-law would have been roaring.
  7. When inside a bird doesn't seem to go down too well in my experience.
  8. Not while exchanging vows on your wedding day either.
  9. Makes sense you raving hom.
    • Like Like x 2
  10. At a meeting of UN officials in the IOD, London. The chief guest was a senior UN yoghurt knitting female high up in the demining fraternity. It had been a long and boring morning with a lot of hot air being expended. I thought that a little more wouldn't hurt and since I had become increasingly uncomfortable during the last hour I eased a cheek off the seat and let loose a long and silent but malodorous fart. It soon announced its presence, as the stench was appalling. People started to fidget and cough and after a few moments, as I brazened it out whilst suppressing an insane desire to roll about laughing, someone called for a coffee break. With relief there was a stampede for the door. Fifteen minutes later the smell was still there. It seemed to have permeated the curtains and the carpets. Bit stuffy in here, said someone and opened a window. Cue alarm bells and a swift visit from security. Good fart that.
    • Like Like x 3
  11. Cue to punch line....'Couldn't take another 67 of them.'
  12. Was meeting a lass once to take her to the pictures when I was 19.

    Met her outside the Gate in Newcastle and just after I had walked up to her and give her a quick kiss and said hello, I felt that feeling of a bit of trapped wind. I thought I would let it go as I beleived it would be a silent one, but it was actually one of them loud squeeky ones like a sort of high pitched trumpet!

    Well I just totally ignored it and I thought she never noticed as there was buses going past and stuff. We set off walking into the Gate and about 20 metres later after making a bit of small talk and stuff she said 'did you fart back there?'

    Bastard!! I thought I'd got away with it. I had to admit I did, embarrasingly. She thought it was funny as fuck and I did actually end up going out with her for a bit.

    Relationship came to an end though a few months later. She caught me out pissed up one night chatting a bird up in Baja Beach club on the Quayside, when I had told her I was working that weekend and couldn't get home. She actually knew the bird I was chatting up aswell. double fuck up!

    Never really worked out after that. Nice lass though.
  13. I enjoy dropping my guts while suffering bitter/ spiced rum hangovers in public places - shops and lifts are favourites.

    On a side note, try facing the back of a lift some time - people tend to appear very uncomfortable with it.
  14. Hence your user name?
  15. Negligent-Discharge

    Negligent-Discharge LE Book Reviewer

    Very good Wag Tail! Arf, Arf.... In a different thread about Blocks in Germany and my Nirn Boss HD. If we came in on the last flight to Duesseldorf we were allowed to book into the hotel that was linked to the Arrivals lounge. All the fit stewardesses kipped the night there. How HD always managed to blow an eg. gy one off just as the lift doors opened with a "Sgt. X X, that's disgusting" as some blonde Lufthansa girlies stepped in.... uncanny