Fart Suppression

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by LIMA, Feb 9, 2006.

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  1. After Chicken Curry and copious amounts of Guinness, followed by a bit of Close Quarter battle with Mrs LIMA, I awoke this Morning with an Ominous Gut Rumble and an extreme feeling of pressure South of the Waistline. My Immediate action was to RV with the WC and pebble dash the Pan.
    On the way to work, Gas seepage neccesitated driving with the car windows open in Minus Temperatures and Driving Snowstorms. Now safely seated in my office, I am afflicted by a rather serious attack of trouser burping. The Air is foul and green and I am not fit to Lliase with other Human beings at this moment in time. The problem is that in about two hours I have a meeting and I cannot guarantee the integrity of my Sphincter muscles. I`m sure that some of your Arrsers can offer some advice on methods of Suppressing Anal explosions in the prescence of those not fit to recieve them. I had thought about giving myself a Pull through with a bass broom but I can´t seem to find one.

    I await your advice with baited breath and clenched Buttocks!
  2. Knees to the chest, old boy.
  3. A large demijon(sp) cork will work, but you might find that if you are of the high powered variety a strip of black nasty strategically placed across the bum cheeks holding in the cork may be required.

    Be very VERY careful when removing the black nasty, 'cos it smarts! :wink:
  4. Spend the next two hours wandering around the building leaving perfumed clouds in your wake: by the time the meeting is held you should have lower gas pressure and any seepage can be put down to "The drains: the whole f'kin' building reeks today..."! :D
  5. Good drills, Dozy. I believe this technique is called 'Crop Dusting'.
  6. Drink lots of coffee or orange juice.

    This will 'lube' your insides and result in a unavoidable serious bowel movement!

    Remember though remain within 20 seconds of the local bog!
  7. The curry and guinness I can understand but what exactly did Mrs LIMA do to you to contribute to this ecological disaster zone? 8O
  8. just shove a cork up your ass and dont have any fags of either kind
  9. You too, eh? I put my condition down to last night's six bottles of Castle Milk Stout and an impala curry. Plus, probably, the 20,000 flies in the kitchen.
    Squirting fit to take off now. Be better tomorrow; Bushmills Malt's the answer.
  10. have a crap in the waste paper bin, then anything you do will be masked by the smell from the bin...

    or stick a resi filter into your hoop, I assume it will smart a bit, and should filter the gasses. The bulge in the back of your trousers could take some explaining.
  11. ugly

    ugly LE Moderator

    I just squeek them as quietly as I can into the upholstered seats in our meeting rooms, fortunately not leather! Damn civvies can have my NBC training!
  12. You can,t suppress a good fart !! Your guts are like a tube of pringles. Once you pop you just can,t stop. The best you can do is try to pass the blame onto some cnut else & mask the sound. Masking the sound is easy. Just sit down & put all your whieght on one cheek (of your arrse)then just lean & open up the barking spiders mouth. You will then fart like a well used poofter & no one will hear you. Trying to shift the blame I,ll leave up to you. However the crop dusting/marking the teritory method is one of the best !! Good luck.