Fantasy Celebrity Death - Method

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Mattb, Sep 26, 2011.

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  1. Instant and impressive - Red mist!

    5 vote(s)
  2. Quick and brutal - hour-long gang beating, for example

    6 vote(s)
  3. A few months of suffering so you can watch and keep up to date - Goody style cancer perhaps

    11 vote(s)
  4. The long game - AIDS?

    1 vote(s)
  1. The Satellite Collision - Ideal Targets thread got me thinking. It seems to me that the ideal celebrity death must, by necessity, be a compromise between the satisfaction for the viewer and the amount of suffering the victim has to go through.

    I can't, for example, decide whether I want Piers Morgan to be squashed by a falling cow on live TV or get cancer. So what does the combined wisdom of ARRSE think is preferable - fast & impressive or slow & painful?
  2. About an hour or so of torture then fed through a wood chipper feet first. Any more than an hour and I get bored as I have the attention span of a house fly.

    Victims? Anyone who ever appeared on big brother or similar shit...
    • Like Like x 1
  3. What would you do with the remains?
  4. Quoted 'cos I CBA typing it all out again; Justin Bieber -

    '...he won't be with us much longer. He has only been a commodity from the start, and his shelf life is expiring fast. Soon his 'music' will stop selling, his manager will defraud him, and he'll be a HIV+, scab-covered, toothless, homeless, barefoot crack whore, gibbering incoherently and fellating Marines in truck stop toilets for his next fix.

    Presently, he will submit to the inevitable, and hurl himself off Niagara Falls; a nudist will find his bloated, eel-gnawed, unrecognisable carcass beneath a burnt-out Jeep wreck forty miles downstream.

    The authorities will have to ID him with a DNA swab taken from a cumstain in his manager's gusset, and the whole tawdry saga will be on the front page of the National Enquirer.'
    • Like Like x 1
  5. I heard this on Q.I. the other night, it could be the perfect murder, but needs the victim to be allergic to nuts.
    Anyhow, it involves sex and brasil nuts.
  6. Point the wood chipper chute at parliament house.
    • Like Like x 1
  7. Ar fuck should've remembered that little cunt. We should declare war on Canada as punishment for inflicting him on the world.

    He should be arse fucked to death by derros.
    • Like Like x 1
  8. Depending on the person, the cause of their demise should be demeaning & a warning to others who might be following in their footsteps.

    I suggest Tony Blair should be run over by a drunk Somali "refugee" working as a minicab driver & fail to survive due to the ambulance control centre staff deciding his injuries didn't constitute an emergency.
    • Like Like x 2
  9. Vanessa 'Leave the travallers alone, they are lovely' Redgrave.

    The scene:
    400 homeless, stinking, thieving pikey cunts camp on her land. Two days later the great unwashed 'Swampy and his pals turn up for a mahoosive bonfire party on her front lawn. She cannot phone for help, her phone lines have been stolen. She cannot exit the house, all the doors have been blocked with piles of concrete, scrap metal, dead horses and soiled nappies.

    The act:
    The constant banging noise of bongos and other assorted shit instruments drive her to distraction.

    Whilst distracted, half a dozen, 16 year old, scantily clad gypo gobshite tramps, break into her home, torch the study and and rifle through her knicker drawer, leaving obscene remarks on her bedroom walls.

    The conclusion:
    Redgrave, no longer distracted, gnashes her teeth in despair, and chews her own fucking head off.

    That's my take on it, although to be honest I haven't given it much thought.
    • Like Like x 2
  10. I'd like to see Piers Morgan die in a bizarre gay fisting accident.
  11. Reaching up and squashing his heart? Wasn't he the bloke that Clarkson belted?
  12. That's the badger. The words most commonly associated with Piers Morgan are 'smug', 'supercilious' and 'twat'
  13. His heart would resemble a dog egg, so it wouldn't be easy to find. You'd have to rummage around for a while, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Especially if you were wearing a pair of these, so you could change over when one arm got tired. Or use both fists at once.
  14. Mark I was thinking that something like this would be more appropriate: