Facial Hair-Growing Competition

#1
A number of squad members are leaving for pastures anew in the near future, including moi. We reckon we just about have enough time to hold an "Outrageous Facial Hair-Growing Competition" that will confirm the Det. Supt's suspicion that he is well rid of the lot of us. Our female members are complaining of sexism, but I have informed them that we are diversity-compliant on our team and that they are free to buy false facial hair a la The Life of Brian.

Anyway, I have decided on a 70's porno 'tache as recently sported by Jimmy Nesbitt in ludicrous TV cop show "Murphy's Law." Slight problem is that Mrs. Veg has sworn to divorce me if I do. This is a dilemma; do I forsake my marriage or join in the blokey-not-very-grown-up antics of my co-workers?

I think that it's worth the risk; we have one bloke who boasts of his ability to grow "bugger's grips" that make him look like a walrus, one of us is already halfway there with a smashing "laughing Cavalier" pointy-goatee and another is promising some epic "Craig David Facial Topiary." Not to join in would be churlish.

I hope Mrs. Veg appreciates it. I think I'll come home in some overalls with my new 'tache and say "I've kum about ze plumbink" to some cheesy disco music.

Any views on facial hair welcome, especially from our glamourous and lovely female NAAFI-dwellers and Pioneer Sergeants who spend too much time with their beard-trimmers and a goat.

V!
 
#2
A couple of years ago, having spent 6 weeks in a South American jungle I returned home with a respectable if not luxuriant beard. Mrs Ludlow was not impressed and my 6 month old daughter burst into tears. Needless to say the facial hair was shaved off within 10 minutes of me walking through the front door.

I think you should be aiming at something like this - General Burnside, I presume the man that gave his name to sideburns.

 
#3
I can't remember the full details but I was reading a 'mag' and some famous bird was going on about how she viewed 'interesting facial hair' - her consensus was that if a bloke took that much time and effort to sculpt his dish then surely the effort ..ahem.. below the waist would be greater.

I told my missus about this and she bursts out laughing every time some bloke walks past with manicured goatee beard. Our little 'in-joke'.
 
#5
To Mr Ludlow..

if in more sothern areas maybe south america you could also say:

"Jungla do la do en do machete do sin do hombre do Un... nenhum nada do vale."

which would also work

Sensación libremente para darme!!!!!!!! de la mierda
 
#6
I am spending all my leave squeezing out a nice beard.......Its ace....Mrs TCF loves it as it is a good ladies parts stimulator apparently...i may engage other ladies opinions in the interests of research but doubt Mrs TCF will authorise funding for such a project! Anyway now my beard is full and leave is nearly over it time to experiment with different designs as I take a few days to gradually shave it off.....I always do a goatee so need to do something else......what does the NAAFI suggest....Do I go for 1973 Barbarians big lamb chop sidies and porn style tache....or an Amos Brearley tache and sidies joining on the cheek combo.....or something else.....I will abide by the most popular answer, and surprise Mrs TCF when she gets back!!
 
#7
Vegetius said:
Our female members are complaining of sexism, but I have informed them that we are diversity-compliant on our team and that they are free to buy false facial hair a la The Life of Brian.
I see no reason why your lady colleagues should not join in!!

 
#8
^ Go for a zapata porno 'tache effort with a separate little triangular "Lucifer" beard on your chin. You will look stylish, naughty and thrillingly Bohemian. You will experience female lust akin to a 1970's Hai Karate! aftershave advert.

Thanks for the link to false facial hair. The female participants now have no excuse.

V!
 
#9
I still like Burnside's style above; sideys attached to a 'tache but with a completely unaddorned chin - niiiiiiiiiice!
 
#10
So, Cuts, how are your bugger grips coming along??? ;)
 
#12
Claim you are on "special duties". Reinforce the cover story by only going out with a rectangular piece of black paper stuck over your eyes.
 
#13
I have recently decided to grow my facial hair (manily because i can't be arsed shaving at the moment!)

Anyway, my efforts pale into comparison with veg's zapata porno 'tache effort with a separate little triangular "Lucifer" beard

Sounds quite smart in a sort of butch type of way 8O :?

where's my razor?
 
#14
Grow a complete covering of facial hair and shave off the bit where the moustache/beard should be, for an interesting "negative" style effect!
 
#16
Johnny_Ludlow said:
Vegetius said:
Our female members are complaining of sexism, but I have informed them that we are diversity-compliant on our team and that they are free to buy false facial hair a la The Life of Brian.
I see no reason why your lady colleagues should not join in!!

"But Ay'm a laydeee!"

Go with the Ambrose Burnside look. As fine a piece of facial topiary as there has ever been. Alternatively you might want to go for the RAF handlebar moustache a la Sqn Ldr Pablo Mason of Op Granby fame.
 
B

Biscuits_AB

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#17
I can't believe that Veg has slagged of Murphy's Law.............that's how it really is and you know it.
 
#18
Why don't you all go for a team "Back, Crack n Cask" and then glue the contents and other sweepings to your dish. You're guaranteed to find out who the closet guars are that way.

Hope this helps.......Keep us posted
 
#19
I have a ' Burnside ',

actually its called an " Imperial " -like the one worn by the Quartermaster in Zulu dawn.. Seems to interest a number of ladies when I'm out for a stroll..

wasn't hard to grow.. jsut got out the hedge trimmers when it reached pruning length...

Have a friend who cultivated a " Dali " though his doesn't stick out at wonky angles.. bit hard to find ' tache ' wax on short notice, however...
 

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#20
Johnny_Ludlow said:
A couple of years ago, having spent 6 weeks in a South American jungle I returned home with a respectable if not luxuriant beard. Mrs Ludlow was not impressed and my 6 month old daughter burst into tears. Needless to say the facial hair was shaved off within 10 minutes of me walking through the front door.
Good drills Sir. You obviously got the important stuff out of the way first. (i.e. 2nd thing you do on getting home is take off your webbing) 8O
 
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