A number of squad members are leaving for pastures anew in the near future, including moi. We reckon we just about have enough time to hold an "Outrageous Facial Hair-Growing Competition" that will confirm the Det. Supt's suspicion that he is well rid of the lot of us. Our female members are complaining of sexism, but I have informed them that we are diversity-compliant on our team and that they are free to buy false facial hair a la The Life of Brian. Anyway, I have decided on a 70's porno 'tache as recently sported by Jimmy Nesbitt in ludicrous TV cop show "Murphy's Law." Slight problem is that Mrs. Veg has sworn to divorce me if I do. This is a dilemma; do I forsake my marriage or join in the blokey-not-very-grown-up antics of my co-workers? I think that it's worth the risk; we have one bloke who boasts of his ability to grow "bugger's grips" that make him look like a walrus, one of us is already halfway there with a smashing "laughing Cavalier" pointy-goatee and another is promising some epic "Craig David Facial Topiary." Not to join in would be churlish. I hope Mrs. Veg appreciates it. I think I'll come home in some overalls with my new 'tache and say "I've kum about ze plumbink" to some cheesy disco music. Any views on facial hair welcome, especially from our glamourous and lovely female NAAFI-dwellers and Pioneer Sergeants who spend too much time with their beard-trimmers and a goat. V!