Face Ironing

#1
I had to go up to a site meeting in Longtown this morning. Some bas-tard decided to have it at 8 o’clock, so I needed to get up and out the door for half five. With four bambinos, it’s like a 24 hour Wacky Warehouse at my gaff now, so I got about two hours kip, scraped some vom off my suit and skedaddled up the road.
I got near the site with about 45 minutes to spare, and being absolutely ballbagged, decided to have a quick gonk in a layby.

Fifty minutes later, I woke up. My phone alarm hadn’t gone off and I was late. I blazed down the road for the last mile and skidded into the site, just as they were all introducing themselves.

I grabbed my files and jumped out of the car.

When I got close, I realised that an ex-squaddy mate, Mick, was running the meeting, so started to relax.

“Alright, Mick?” I shouted.

He eyeballed me, then moved away from the group and walked over to me.

“Fcuking, hell, Convoy. You look like fcuking Columbo. Show parades tonight mate, showing ‘Face Ironed.’”

I didn’t peg what he meant until I got back to the car, after the thankfully short meeting. I checked my grid out in the mirror. Because I’m 36, my skin is beginning to lose some of its elasticity. That short power kip had crumpled up the entire right side of my face. It looked like John Merricks ballbag. It really could have done with a good pressing. Added to that, my hair had a distinct Flock of Seagulls look to it.

I am turning into a bag of sh-it. Anyone else?
 
#4
Unfortunately mate .... yes.

i've always suffered a bit with the fact that when i was issued my body, i was issued the skin to go with it , in a size ratio that a training depot clothing storeman would of been proud of, ie about 4 sizes to big .... by my reckoning i should be about 6'6" tall and about 16 and a half stone , instead of 5'11" and 11 stone now whilst i still have some elasticity in my skin this is just a source of amusement but as i grow older i am afraid eventually i will look like a small child in an ill fitting baby grow.

on a long day last week , i was up at 5 to travel to Madrid , looking like a young witty go-getter , much later that day , travelling back to London on the last flight i looked like a f*cking Bosnian refugee , and after falling asleep on the plane leaning on my hand looked like i'd been given a big "welcome to Britain" slap around the chops....
even one of the airport staff looked me up and down and asked where our flight had just come from obviously thinking that easyjet had started flying to Uzbekistan , it was all i could do to prevent my self muttering "big issue"
 
#5
Try Loreal Regenerist, I swear by it, and a bit of moisturiser b4 u go bed always helps, I'm not sure if being 36 years old is too late though, there may be no turning back for you now :roll: :wink:
 
#6
Frequent immersion in icy cold water will tighten up your skin. So when in the shower, go for two minutes of hot to get clean, then two minutes of cold to freshen up, cant beat it.
 
#7
Sleeper_service said:
Frequent immersion in icy cold water will tighten up your skin. So when in the shower, go for two minutes of hot to get clean, then two minutes of cold to freshen up, cant beat it.
that is very true, maybe a splash of toner to tighten up those pores aswell?
 
#8
Spursluv said:
Sleeper_service said:
Frequent immersion in icy cold water will tighten up your skin. So when in the shower, go for two minutes of hot to get clean, then two minutes of cold to freshen up, cant beat it.
that is very true, maybe a splash of toner to tighten up those pores aswell?
Sorry, I appear to have mistakenly logged on to the Women's Own website? I thought this was the Army Rumour Service. Skin care? FFS... :roll:







P.S. I personally think you can't beat Clinique shave gel, followed by scruffing lotion and 'M' moisturiser!! :D :D :D :D
 
#10
f*ck me , this is the f*cking NAAFI , not the f*cking wives club beauty tips forum ..... convoy wasn't actually after knowing how to tighten up his baggy scrotum likechops , he was hoping beyond hope that someone .... somewhere in this sh1tty humourless bird ridden dump might ACTUALLY try and inject some humour into the day .... fat f*cking chance eh.

i use 40 grit sandblast cream by chernobyl cosmetics by the way.

sorry , i used the words "wives club" and "beauty tips" in the same paragraph.

beauty tips for pads wives.

lose the ron hills porky.
15 hoop earrings is plenty
slacken off that scrunchy , you look like a wank1ng jap
eat less excercise more fat c-unt
don't eat a sandwich and smoke a tab a the same time ... you'll end up with a burnt tounge you f-ucking div.

any other beauty tips for lovely camp followers everywhere?
 
#11
shortfuse said:
f*ck me , this is the f*cking NAAFI , not the f*cking wives club beauty tips forum ..... convoy wasn't actually after knowing how to tighten up his baggy scrotum likechops , he was hoping beyond hope that someone .... somewhere in this sh1tty humourless bird ridden dump might ACTUALLY try and inject some humour into the day .... fat f*cking chance eh.

i use 40 grit sandblast cream by chernobyl cosmetics by the way.

sorry , i used the words "wives club" and "beauty tips" in the same paragraph.

beauty tips for pads wives.

lose the ron hills porky.
15 hoop earrings is plenty
slacken off that scrunchy , you look like a wank1ng jap
eat less excercise more fat c-unt
don't eat a sandwich and smoke a tab a the same time ... you'll end up with a burnt tounge you f-ucking div.

any other beauty tips for lovely camp followers everywhere?
Lol, did someone get out the wrong side of bed today?
 
#12
Glasgow Male skin care regime....

Eat heart attack breakfast x 7 per week until skin is stretched to capacity, thus ending the appearance of those unsightly tell tale age lines. :lol:



Beebs
 
#13
blessed baby cakes said:
Glasgow Male skin care regime....

Eat heart attack breakfast x 7 per week until skin is stretched to capacity, thus ending the appearance of those unsightly tell tale age lines. :lol:



Beebs

Hahaha, mind u, hasn't worked for me :(
 
#14
Failing that industrial staples to hold pulled up skin in place.

Method.

Pierce top of head with large needle,
Twist until all lose skin is taut,
Staple surplus skin on top of head,
Remove needle and hack off excess skin.
Invest in wig.

WARNING

Ladies carrying out this method to often may end up with a beard if they don't take care to shave their pubes on a daily bases.

Beebs
 
#15
blessed baby cakes said:
Failing that industrial staples to hold pulled up skin in place.

Method.

Pierce top of head with large needle,
Twist until all lose skin is taut,
Staple surplus skin on top of head,
Remove needle and hack off excess skin.
Invest in wig.

WARNING

Ladies carrying out this method to often may end up with a beard if they don't take care to shave their pubes on a daily bases.

Beebs

LOLOLOLOl that fecking made me actually laugh out loud!

The imaginations of some people are beyond me, now where did that needle go?
 
#16
shortfuse said:
any other beauty tips for lovely camp followers everywhere?
Just because us squaddies sh@g you does NOT mean you are pretty. In fact it more than likely means the opposite.

When we laugh at what you say, don't let it go to your head. Take it for granted that you said something dumb.

You do NOT look good in uniform unless you are Scarlett Johanssen wearing my smock shouting "in the ass! in the ass!"

Don't make us buy you expensive cosmetics for christmas, it depresses us to think that we'll shell out all that money and you'll still look like Prescott's ball-bag

Going to the gym and walking on a treadmill for 10 minutes before going to have an organic muffin in the gym cafeteria does NOT constitute exercise.

Stop watching soaps, you're becoming like one of the cast.

Don't ask us what you look like, if we thought you were beautiful we wouldn't work late.

Don't have a go at us when we flirt with our mate's girlfriends/wives. It's the only joy we can get. We know we can't do any better than you and that is depressing enough a it is without you kicking us when we're down.
 
#17
My gran suffered with a baggy face so she went to she her Doc.

"Ahh Mrs granny Mince, we have a new process to combat this, we place two tiny Allen bolts just behind your ears and every time you feel your face is not as good as it could be give them a little turn"

"Fantastic" she said "I'll have it"

So the next week off she trots to Hospital to have it done...

All is going very well for a few weeks, it's taken years off her and she's sh@ged more Sqadies in a month than she can count.

But one morning she wakes up with these mahoosive bags under her eyes, so she turns the screws..again and again...no change so back to the Doc....

"look at the feckin' state of my mooie you tw@t !! What’s wrong with it !!"
the Doc has a good look and says
"You've been turning the screws far too much, Mrs Mincin...those aren’t bags under your eyes their you T1ts and if you keep turning you'll end up with a beard!!”


True story...honest sir
 
#18
Spursluv said:
shortfuse said:
f*ck me , this is the f*cking NAAFI , not the f*cking wives club beauty tips forum ..... convoy wasn't actually after knowing how to tighten up his baggy scrotum likechops , he was hoping beyond hope that someone .... somewhere in this sh1tty humourless bird ridden dump might ACTUALLY try and inject some humour into the day .... fat f*cking chance eh.

i use 40 grit sandblast cream by chernobyl cosmetics by the way.

sorry , i used the words "wives club" and "beauty tips" in the same paragraph.

beauty tips for pads wives.

lose the ron hills porky.
15 hoop earrings is plenty
slacken off that scrunchy , you look like a wank1ng jap
eat less excercise more fat c-unt
don't eat a sandwich and smoke a tab a the same time ... you'll end up with a burnt tounge you f-ucking div.

any other beauty tips for lovely camp followers everywhere?
Lol, did someone get out the wrong side of bed today?
Shortfuse is quite right Spursluv, I wasn't actually after beauty tips, as I am a notorious hetero tiger despite my elephants kneecap face.

If anyone got out the wrong side of bed today it was you. You got out the side that meant that everything you typed would be fcuking dull. Hang on, you've been doing that for over 200 posts. For fcuks sake, try the other side, the one where, when your foot hits the floor, it enables you to spend the day submitting a couple of posts with a degree of originality.

Fcuking dregs. You know who you are. Soiling this noble forum with banal mediocrity. Cut and paste c-unts.

Despite all of this, I will be following your advice, in an effort to convert my grid to one of drum tight beauty with no remnant left of my current 'shar-pei's ricker' style.
 
#19
convoy_cock said:
Spursluv said:
shortfuse said:
f*ck me , this is the f*cking NAAFI , not the f*cking wives club beauty tips forum ..... convoy wasn't actually after knowing how to tighten up his baggy scrotum likechops , he was hoping beyond hope that someone .... somewhere in this sh1tty humourless bird ridden dump might ACTUALLY try and inject some humour into the day .... fat f*cking chance eh.

i use 40 grit sandblast cream by chernobyl cosmetics by the way.

sorry , i used the words "wives club" and "beauty tips" in the same paragraph.

beauty tips for pads wives.

lose the ron hills porky.
15 hoop earrings is plenty
slacken off that scrunchy , you look like a wank1ng jap
eat less excercise more fat c-unt
don't eat a sandwich and smoke a tab a the same time ... you'll end up with a burnt tounge you f-ucking div.

any other beauty tips for lovely camp followers everywhere?
Lol, did someone get out the wrong side of bed today?
Shortfuse is quite right Spursluv, I wasn't actually after beauty tips, as I am a notorious hetero tiger despite my elephants kneecap face.

If anyone got out the wrong side of bed today it was you. You got out the side that meant that everything you typed would be fcuking dull. Hang on, you've been doing that for over 200 posts. For fcuks sake, try the other side, the one where, when your foot hits the floor, it enables you to spend the day submitting a couple of posts with a degree of originality.

Fcuking dregs. You know who you are. Soiling this noble forum with banal mediocrity. Cut and paste c-unts.

Despite all of this, I will be following your advice, in an effort to convert my grid to one of drum tight beauty with no remnant left of my current 'shar-pei's ricker' style.
That's not quite true is it?
 

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