Face Ironing

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by convoy_cock, May 10, 2005.

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  1. I had to go up to a site meeting in Longtown this morning. Some bas-tard decided to have it at 8 o’clock, so I needed to get up and out the door for half five. With four bambinos, it’s like a 24 hour Wacky Warehouse at my gaff now, so I got about two hours kip, scraped some vom off my suit and skedaddled up the road.
    I got near the site with about 45 minutes to spare, and being absolutely ballbagged, decided to have a quick gonk in a layby.

    Fifty minutes later, I woke up. My phone alarm hadn’t gone off and I was late. I blazed down the road for the last mile and skidded into the site, just as they were all introducing themselves.

    I grabbed my files and jumped out of the car.

    When I got close, I realised that an ex-squaddy mate, Mick, was running the meeting, so started to relax.

    “Alright, Mick?” I shouted.

    He eyeballed me, then moved away from the group and walked over to me.

    “Fcuking, hell, Convoy. You look like fcuking Columbo. Show parades tonight mate, showing ‘Face Ironed.’”

    I didn’t peg what he meant until I got back to the car, after the thankfully short meeting. I checked my grid out in the mirror. Because I’m 36, my skin is beginning to lose some of its elasticity. That short power kip had crumpled up the entire right side of my face. It looked like John Merricks ballbag. It really could have done with a good pressing. Added to that, my hair had a distinct Flock of Seagulls look to it.

    I am turning into a bag of sh-it. Anyone else?
  2. My foreskin is a lot more crinkley than it used to be
  3. try botox...works for kerry.
  4. Unfortunately mate .... yes.

    i've always suffered a bit with the fact that when i was issued my body, i was issued the skin to go with it , in a size ratio that a training depot clothing storeman would of been proud of, ie about 4 sizes to big .... by my reckoning i should be about 6'6" tall and about 16 and a half stone , instead of 5'11" and 11 stone now whilst i still have some elasticity in my skin this is just a source of amusement but as i grow older i am afraid eventually i will look like a small child in an ill fitting baby grow.

    on a long day last week , i was up at 5 to travel to Madrid , looking like a young witty go-getter , much later that day , travelling back to London on the last flight i looked like a f*cking Bosnian refugee , and after falling asleep on the plane leaning on my hand looked like i'd been given a big "welcome to Britain" slap around the chops....
    even one of the airport staff looked me up and down and asked where our flight had just come from obviously thinking that easyjet had started flying to Uzbekistan , it was all i could do to prevent my self muttering "big issue"
  5. Try Loreal Regenerist, I swear by it, and a bit of moisturiser b4 u go bed always helps, I'm not sure if being 36 years old is too late though, there may be no turning back for you now :roll: :wink:
  6. Frequent immersion in icy cold water will tighten up your skin. So when in the shower, go for two minutes of hot to get clean, then two minutes of cold to freshen up, cant beat it.
  7. that is very true, maybe a splash of toner to tighten up those pores aswell?
  8. Sorry, I appear to have mistakenly logged on to the Women's Own website? I thought this was the Army Rumour Service. Skin care? FFS... :roll:

    P.S. I personally think you can't beat Clinique shave gel, followed by scruffing lotion and 'M' moisturiser!! :D :D :D :D
  9. f*ck me , this is the f*cking NAAFI , not the f*cking wives club beauty tips forum ..... convoy wasn't actually after knowing how to tighten up his baggy scrotum likechops , he was hoping beyond hope that someone .... somewhere in this sh1tty humourless bird ridden dump might ACTUALLY try and inject some humour into the day .... fat f*cking chance eh.

    i use 40 grit sandblast cream by chernobyl cosmetics by the way.

    sorry , i used the words "wives club" and "beauty tips" in the same paragraph.

    beauty tips for pads wives.

    lose the ron hills porky.
    15 hoop earrings is plenty
    slacken off that scrunchy , you look like a wank1ng jap
    eat less excercise more fat c-unt
    don't eat a sandwich and smoke a tab a the same time ... you'll end up with a burnt tounge you f-ucking div.

    any other beauty tips for lovely camp followers everywhere?
  10. Lol, did someone get out the wrong side of bed today?
  11. Glasgow Male skin care regime....

    Eat heart attack breakfast x 7 per week until skin is stretched to capacity, thus ending the appearance of those unsightly tell tale age lines. :lol:



  12. Hahaha, mind u, hasn't worked for me :(
  13. Failing that industrial staples to hold pulled up skin in place.


    Pierce top of head with large needle,
    Twist until all lose skin is taut,
    Staple surplus skin on top of head,
    Remove needle and hack off excess skin.
    Invest in wig.


    Ladies carrying out this method to often may end up with a beard if they don't take care to shave their pubes on a daily bases.


  14. LOLOLOLOl that fecking made me actually laugh out loud!

    The imaginations of some people are beyond me, now where did that needle go?