Extremely Stupid People

This is a thread about stupidity. Not just being a bit of a mong, which most of us are guilty of every now and then (like the time I tried to cook a sausage by pinning it to the ends of two nails which I then inserted into a live plug socket).

No, I'm talking about stunningly, gut-wrenchingly fcuking moronic.

I'll give you an example.

Many years ago I had to sit at hospital with a prisoner early one Saturday AM who was being dealt with by the CID for GBH. To cut a long story short, this Aussie had got pished and had an argument with another Aussie in the pub. As they left the pub he threw the guy into a plate glass shop window, slashing him down the face, chest and thigh and into the femoral artery. Obviously, he lost quite a lot of claret and although he was stable and not in a life-threatening condition, it was a pretty good collar for GBH. The victim was also keen to press charges.

The suspect had himself slashed his arm quite badly, which was why he was in hospital as well. I'm sitting with him whilst we wait for the CID and, being a friendly, good-natured but utterly clueless Antipodean, he wants to chat with me. He starts talking about the night before. Remember, I was just the uniformed Pc sat there making sure he didn't fcuk off and have it on his toes.

So I says to him, as per the book, "Look mate, you've been cautioned. So shut up and wait until you're interviewed because anything unsoliticited you say now will be written down. Understand?"

This Aussie nods and looks at me in a "why-are-you-such-a-fcuking-spoilsport?" kind of way.

Anyway, I get him onto sport. I find this fcuking eye-wateringly boring but I know Aussies can bang on about it for hours. Eventually he says, "anyway, I'm off to Bali on Monday, it's great there, you ever been?"

I say to him, "er, excuse me shag, but you're nicked for GBH, what makes you think you'll be going anywhere on Monday?"

Then he says it. Even now I can't believe it.

"Oh, I'm not worried about that. I'll make bail then just fcuk off anyway."

At this point I just sit in stunned silence. In full police uniform.

"Just out of interest, why did you just tell me that?" I said.

He shrugged and smiled cluelessly, just a complete fcukwit. He even signed my pocketbook after I wrote the comment down and asked him to countersign it.

CID turn up and I say, "this bloke intends to jump bail to Bali on Monday, he readily admitted it and signed a contempraneous note."

The DC shakes his head and walks me around the corner, "Are you an interviewing genius or is this bloke just a completely stupid cnut?"

I had to admit it was the latter.

So, telling a copper who's meant to escort you to nick that you intend to jump bail for a serious criminal offence must be some sort of record for complete stupidity. Any better ones than that?

My stepson cut down all the trees in our garden the other day with an normal saw. You know the sort of fir tree thingies that you plant to make a hedge?

Having already cut down the trees, he then went around to our neighbour, whom I can't stand, and borrowed his petrol driven chainsaw. Why?

To cut down the trees that he'd already cut down with a handsaw. WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

What a tit!!!! Thank FU CK he didn't spring from my loins.
Out in the sticks last week recce'ing clearance sites:

Tilbake: Any UXO around here?

Villager: Well there was a bomblet there.

Tilbake: Where is it now?

Villager: Well.....I threw it against that tree there, to make it explode, but it didn't so I threw it in the fish pond.

Tilbake: OK.....probably best not to do that again hey? Any more?

Villager: Well.... There was a 500lb bomb over there, but it's not there now.

Tilbake: ...because?

Villager: Well, 3 guys from the village went out to hit it and make it explode, so they could sell the fragments.

Tilbake: ....aaand?

Villager: It exploded, killing all three of 'em

Tilbake: Are you going to be here when I come back next month?

Villager: Yes

Tilbake: I doubt it.

Tilbake, when you go back, present the whole village with The Darwin Award in the same way as Malta was awarded the George Cross! & by the sounds of it, they're keeping you a little safer than you would be otherwise, so let them crack on! :D
In their defence, they were well tanked-up on rice whisky (well, I'm assuming they were; everyone else I met in that village was).

How about this.


Police and social services are attempting to contact a mother who moved abroad but left her teenage daughter behind to fend for herself.

Elaine Walker, from Redmire, North Yorkshire, decided to make a new life for herself in Turkey after visiting the country on holiday earlier this summer.

But she did not take her 15-year-old daughter with her, leaving the girl a note and just £25 to live on.

It is understood that Miss Walker, a mother-of-five, met a Turkish man while staying in the resort of Antalya.

A spokesman for North Yorkshire Police said: "The police are in consultation with social services about this case but it's still too early to say what action, if any, the police will be taking.

"One thing is we do not have any plans at this time to send officers to Turkey. Our main concern is the welfare of the 15-year-old girl."

Derek Law, corporate director for social services with North Yorkshire County Council, said the teenager "is the victim of a situation completely beyond her control and in the circumstances she is coping remarkably well".

He added: "While this particular situation has attracted a great deal of media attention, it is not uncommon. Social services across the country regularly have to deal with children who, for one reason or another, have been abandoned by their parents."
I'd say this belongs here...well, the 'mother' does anyway.
About six years ago my father's business was broken into and robbed. The thief gained entry by jimmying the lock on the front door with his driver's license. How did we know this? We found the license on the floor, just inside the entrance. The name on the license was that of a notorious local thief. I knew him from school, and he was no brain surgeon. We turned the license over to the local police. Well, a couple days later the idiot showed up at the business, and said he had lost his driver's license, and asked if we'd seen it. I'm not joking. Without missing a beat, my father said yeah, we found it and turned it in to the police dept. So what does this moron do? He goes over to the police dept. and asks for his driver's license, and is immediately arrested for burglary. He ends up with a three year prison sentence over the deal. And what was his haul from the burglary? A 12 volt car battery.
Imbecile walks into station late one Saturday night. "Have you got my mate in the cells here?" Quick enquiry to cells proves positive. "Yes, he's here but you can't see him until he's bailed. What did he do?" " He got caught with a heap of eccie tabs, but half of them are mine and I came to get them." "Yes, certainly mate. Just come with me and we'll sort it out" A criminal mastermind at work.
LMAO Yank.

Reminded me of when the NAAFI vending machines were broken into in Munster many moons ago. In the hurry to make a quick exit with their booty of NAAFI growlers etc, the two culprits had left their TOS's. TOS's were complete with names written neatly on the inside.
If this is moving into the realm of Very Dumb Criminals...

A friend of mine has been a detective in East London for many years. His favourite sandbag yarn re. thick villains is from the early 80's and is as follows.

Two scions of a lesser-spotted East London crime family decide to do a job on a fur coat shop. Their chosen method is to rent the flat above the shop, which is vacant, then one night saw a fcuking great hole in the ceiling, jump down into the shop, swipe all the fur coats then decamp with the booty.


So they do the job and get away with about thirty grand's worth of mink coats (etc). They are nicked very quickly. Why?

1. Three well-known female members of the family are swanning around in mink coats. They live about a hundred yards from the shop.

2. They rented the flat in their own names.

As you can imagine, they never made it to be Regional Crime Squad targets. They wouldn't have been much of a challenge for the Woolies' store detective.

A burglar brakes into a house in South London, but feels like it was time to do some admin.

So after having a bath, making a cheese sandwich, and filling his bag with swag he makes good his escape.

Problem 1
The DNA left in the bath and on the towel.

Problem 2
Burglar left his bite pattern in the half eaten cheese sandwich.

Problem 3
Left his house keys in the bathroom that had his name and photo on.

Put you trousers on son, your nicked thicko!

Then there is the one about the young German squadddie who robbed a bank in uniform complete with (his own) name badge.
Turning into a bit of a Police story thread.....however

2 colleagues of mine, one male and one (shortsighted but not admitting it) female go to a burglary alarm activated accidentaly by an old dear.
The male Officer was trying with difficulty to switch off the blaring alarm to help the old lady while the female Officer stroked the old ladies cat to keep it calm.
Eventually the alarm is switched off and the old dear asks the female Officer whats she's doing. "Just stroking your cat" reply "Thats my best hat". The shortsighted bint had been stroking the old dears furry hat that was on the arm of her chair.
Bloody hell that is VERY short sighted!!!!
Same Officer went to an overturned lorry carrying cases of canned Cider. Road completely blocked. Workman says to her "Ive got a Manitou round the corner that will help shift this lot" she replies "Youll need more than a man or two to shift this". Was she joking????
Fresher's fair, blokey comes up to the rifle club stall, asks what calibres we shoot with - ".22lr in the winter & 7.62 NATO in the summer".

"OK" says genius-boy, recently matriculated to Oxford University, "So... Do you shoot target or people?" :shock:
Along the same thread

Woman comes into a Police station to make a complaint against the Police>

The woman’s house had been raided because her son was a suspected drug dealer, and a large quantity of drugs and money had been recovered.

The complaint was that the Officers had stolen a couple of Grand from her son.

When they asked her where her son had got this large sum of money from, she replied:

“From his drug dealing”

Cheers Mum!
Not shure if this fits with your over-arching intent for this thread V, but here goes.

I was at a briefing this morning, in the continuing story of my weird 'on leave/not really on leave' limbo existence that I find myself living, carrying bags for the high and mighty. I was roughly in the middle of the room, j-u-u-s-t stopping myself from dropping off into the Land of Nod, when I suddenly found my interest piqued by what the rent-a-goon at the front was saying.

'Apparently the Met are looking at drawing up tighter controls and RoE over the use of potato guns' quoth the goon. 'Fcuk me, what next?' I whispered to my Colonel next to me. 'Whoever got hurt by a potato gun? PC bullsh!t if you ask me.'

Long look. 'Taser gun'.

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