Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Jokes' started by ringdoby, Jan 31, 2011.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. A fat woman goes into her doctors and asks "What's the easiest exercise to help me lose weight?"
    Doctor, "Shake your head from side to side."
    Fat Woman, "How often should i do this?"
    Doctor "Every time you are offered food, you fat cunt"
  2. I've just covered my monitor with spittle as I burst out in uncontrollable laughter at the punchline. Brilliant, will forward to every fat bastard I know.
  3. Goatman

    Goatman LE Book Reviewer

    A smart woman of my aquaint sent me this:


    This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular exercise routine

    Dear Diary,
    For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local gym. Although I am still in great shape since being a netball player 46 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

    I called the gym and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christopher, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

    Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The gym encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
    Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the gym to find Christopher waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

    Christopher gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

    Christopher was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my belly was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.

    This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
    I drank 3 mugs of tea and finally made it out the door. Christopher made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
    The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the sink and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.

    Christopher was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other gym members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

    My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christopher put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by escalators? Christopher told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.
    Christopher (arsehole) was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my laces on my shoes.

    He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the toilet. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.
    Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
    I hate that bastard Christopher more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would hit him with it.

    Christopher wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the bloody barbells or anything that weighs more than a Mars Bar.

    The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama teacher or the choir director?
    Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not turn up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote control and switch on the news.________________________________
    I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds
  4. Yeah that's the best way to lose weight.