Exercise pants

E

error_unknown

Guest
#1
I was on exercise last week and, after a weekend of hardcore R and R, was faced with the task of washing combats, shreddies etc this morning. Sure enough, snarling at me from a dark corner of my Berghaus mule were a pair of fake Calvin Klein boxers (Ludlow market, £1.99 for a packet of three) complete with a skidmark like the starting grid at Brand's Hatch and a collection of interesting salt stains on the front. I momentarily considered chucking them away but then thought 'waste not, want not' and bunged them in the wash with the rest of the gear.

This left me musing about two things. First was, of course, Andy McNab's almost supernatural ability to take a residue-free dump: whatever happened to Bravo Two Zero, surely the man deserved his DCM for that alone. Secondly: what is the most appalling grunge-up I have ever seen on a fellow human being?

Way back when the Beatles were still a going concern, I was a pupil at a small kindergarten in the vicinity of Knightsbridge in central London. Every morning, we would walk up to Hyde Park to play for an hour or so with the contents of a hamper full of toys which were dispensed by a strange old harridan who wore a fur coat. One of my fellow pupils was a girl whose parents sent her into combat every day wearing one of those coats which are only sold on production of an official membership card for the upper middle classes - a heather-mix tweed number with a dark velvet collar. Anyway, the long and short of it is that I pulled said girl's hair and she chased after me before unfortunately tripping, landing face-first in a large and luxuriantly coiled dog turd, simultaneously biting her tongue and bottom lip and, with the forward momentum of the chase, sliding forwards through the turd. Even though this happened nearly 38 years ago, I can still vividly recall the look of horror on her face as she contemplated the fact that she was smeared in dog sh1t and blood from the tip of her nose to the hem of her coat. The mad old crone was so sympathetic, she gave her a beaker full of Ribena when we got back - an unheard of treat.

Many years later, when training recruits, my staff and I were confronted by a similar sight: a girl who had started her period early (and had cleverly broken SOPs by not bringing any sanitary protection on exercise) and had shortly afterwards shat herself as the result of a hitherto unsuspected dose of the bumsquirts. After the careful ministrations of a female lieutenant and corporal, she was able to continue the exercise, now also sporting an FFD cleverly modified by yours truly for an hitherto unsuspected purpose, but it has to be said there was a noticeable increase in foxes and stray dogs hanging around the basha site.

Any advance on this?
 
#2
There can be no advance on this.

I nearly ruined my laptop.

Outstanding, outstanding.
 
#3
No advance possible, but a snippet of tac-savvy might relieve suffering amongst exercising troops.

I have thus far avoided tactical rectal caking by using 'Method Eight'.

1. On the first day, wear underwear in normal civvy mode.
2. Day two rotate through 180 degrees and wear arrse first.
3. Day three, inside out, normal orientation.
4. Day four, rotate through 180 degrees, arrse first and inside out
5. Day five, swap them with your driver and repeat 1-4.

In extreme circumstances, 'Method Sixteen' may be employed but those using it should expect to be asked to sit outside the O Gp on their own chair. Lip reading skills and opera glasses would thus ease the passage of information.

'Method Thirty-Two' cannot be employed without the authorisation of the commander of the TAOR and may even require ministerial approval.

Hope this helps,
Sticky :D
 
#4
I thought a man of your stature would be going Commando CP? :D

Yes, I know of a story involving a recruit, a field dressing and a danger of TSS , Snips knows the details , she beasted her for it I believe.
 
#6
stickybomb said:
No advance possible, but a snippet of tac-savvy might relieve suffering amongst exercising troops.

I have thus far avoided tactical rectal caking by using 'Method Eight'.

1. On the first day, wear underwear in normal civvy mode.
2. Day two rotate through 180 degrees and wear arrse first.
3. Day three, inside out, normal orientation.
4. Day four, rotate through 180 degrees, arrse first and inside out
5. Day five, swap them with your driver and repeat 1-4.

In extreme circumstances, 'Method Sixteen' may be employed but those using it should expect to be asked to sit outside the O Gp on their own chair. Lip reading skills and opera glasses would thus ease the passage of information.

'Method Thirty-Two' cannot be employed without the authorisation of the commander of the TAOR and may even require ministerial approval.

Hope this helps,
Sticky :D
This is even better for being signed off, "Sticky"... :lol:
 
#7
fas_et_gloria said:
stickybomb said:
No advance possible, but a snippet of tac-savvy might relieve suffering amongst exercising troops.

I have thus far avoided tactical rectal caking by using 'Method Eight'.

1. On the first day, wear underwear in normal civvy mode.
2. Day two rotate through 180 degrees and wear arrse first.
3. Day three, inside out, normal orientation.
4. Day four, rotate through 180 degrees, arrse first and inside out
5. Day five, swap them with your driver and repeat 1-4.

In extreme circumstances, 'Method Sixteen' may be employed but those using it should expect to be asked to sit outside the O Gp on their own chair. Lip reading skills and opera glasses would thus ease the passage of information.

'Method Thirty-Two' cannot be employed without the authorisation of the commander of the TAOR and may even require ministerial approval.

Hope this helps,
Sticky :D
This is even better for being signed off, "Sticky"... :lol:
Ne'er mind te sig block, check the Avatar! :D
 
#9
Long drives usually give me wheelspins that take two cycles and a bucket of vanish.

No matter how scrupulously I wipe my starfish the mystery mud mark always signs my shreddies.

Is this a one off or is it a common phenomina?

True story, I sat on the edge of the bed this morning to pull my socks on and left a small stain on the bed, I was horrified and scared shitless that the Frau would see it....... I did the decent thing, made the nipper cry and when she went to tend to it I pulled off the bottom sheet and told her that I could smell baby sick ont he bedding :D
 
#10
stickybomb said:
. Day five, swap them with your driver and repeat 1-4.
Hope this helps,
Sticky :D
Tried this - the bugger was a bit miffed at having to relocate into my kecks and had to be beaten into place with a shovel.

Being RGJ this was not the problem it might have been
 
E

error_unknown

Guest
#11
Mighty_doh_nut said:
True story, I sat on the edge of the bed this morning to pull my socks on and left a small stain on the bed, I was horrified and scared shitless that the Frau would see it....... I did the decent thing, made the nipper cry and when she went to tend to it I pulled off the bottom sheet and told her that I could smell baby sick ont he bedding :D
You're leaking mate. The sphincter can only take so much punshment before it begins to lose its elasticity, and incontinence ensues. I told you that you shouldn't have volunteered to be fisted by the entire Western Samoan rugby team. :D
 
#12
chickenpunk said:
. I told you that you shouldn't have volunteered to be fisted by the entire Western Samoan rugby team. :D
I was no volunteer, I put up a fight...........

Fcuk me them fella's have big hands I thought my entrails were gonna fall out
 
#13
Bravo_Bravo said:
stickybomb said:
. Day five, swap them with your driver and repeat 1-4.
Hope this helps,
Sticky :D
Tried this - the bugger was a bit miffed at having to relocate into my kecks and had to be beaten into place with a shovel.

Being RGJ this was not the problem it might have been
How the hell did you get yourself a Swedish driver? I want one! (Though I might not take her out 'clubbing'...)
 
#14
Mighty_doh_nut said:
Long drives usually give me wheelspins that take two cycles and a bucket of vanish.

No matter how scrupulously I wipe my starfish the mystery mud mark always signs my shreddies.

Is this a one off or is it a common phenomina?

True story, I sat on the edge of the bed this morning to pull my socks on and left a small stain on the bed, I was horrified and scared shitless that the Frau would see it....... I did the decent thing, made the nipper cry and when she went to tend to it I pulled off the bottom sheet and told her that I could smell baby sick ont he bedding :D
Has Cait been slipping ether onto your pillow and doing you with the anal intruder in your sleep again? :lol:

Next time just slip onto the carpet tuck your lesg up and pull yourslef along like a demented sheepdog so you leave a skidmark that Ayrton Senna would have been proud of :wink:
 
#15
Caits hands are small and feminine and by bot-bot always returns to its original state.... so that wasn't the cause....

I must have failed to wipe properly as I developed a real itcher ricker shortly after...... I dived in the shower and tackled my hoop with the fraus exfoliator thing :D
 
E

error_unknown

Guest
#16
Mighty_doh_nut said:
I dived in the shower and tackled my hoop with the fraus exfoliator thing :D
Interesting thought. I tend to use the lovely Mrs chickenpunk's electric toothbrush for chipping off the Klingons and it also works a treat on post exercise, under-helmet 'cheese', whilst providing some pleasing... er... stimulation.
 
#17
I must confess to having a dirty arse for most of the weekend.

I went shooting on saturday morning and whilst in my hide I was caught short and had to squeeze out Frank Bruno's leg...

Not being prepared I had no comfy bum with me and rather than run the risk of falling in my own trophy I elected not to rip my shreddies off and wipe my hoop, I merely pulled them up and cracked on.

When I got home there was a horrid mess winking at my from the bottom of my undercrackers, I just threw them in a bin bag and sacked the idea of salvaging them.

Would anyone like a photo? I am happy to route through the bins Steptoe style if any arssers out there would like a 'ring' side view :D
 
#18
I always thought real men came off exercise wearing just three rings of elastic.

msr
 
#19
chickenpunk said:
You're leaking mate. The sphincter can only take so much punshment before it begins to lose its elasticity, and incontinence ensues. I told you that you shouldn't have volunteered to be fisted by the entire Western Samoan rugby team. :D
If your clipper Muscle is that worn, 1045 yourself into the LAD, and have them fit a set of Bedford brake-shoe return springs. Guaranteed to make you arrse close with a bang! :wink:
 
#20
Exercise pants dont need changing till they need cutting off and stick the wall when thrown

I had a Sgt ("Eddie" former miner and hard as fcuk) on one long exercise who was seen sporting a pair of applecatchers that had been sent to him by his mother and purchased at great expense from Pontefract market. They were easily three sizes too big for him and looked to be the right dimensions for Cyril Smith made of cotton airtex fabric and ochre brown in colour and wouldnt have looked out of place in an OAP home. He found them comfortable because they werent too snug and the only fault seemed to be that they evidently rode up the crack of his arrse the whole time and everytime I saw him he was picking his trollies out of his arrsecrack and cursing. He had the pish ripped out of him at every opportunity and stubbornly decided to wear the skiddies until the y had to be cut off him.

He wore the pants like a tramp without changing for 4 weeks, turning them inside out, back to front etc etc until they were completely caked and resembled an IRA cell on dirty protest. He was so proud of them that he decided to go commando for the last few days and slipped the applecatchers over a water jerrycan on the vehicle and drove around proudly displaying his cack painting skills.
He used the biohazard rag as a pennant on his antenna and eventually after several complaints disposed of them by throwing them into the lap of an attractive young lady driving in the opposite direction in an top down MX5. She nearly crashed her car and I would have loved to seen the look of horror on her face as the stench hit her and she came to realise what was sitiing in her crutch wriggling and barking and winking at her :lol: .
 

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