Exercise pants

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by error_unknown, Mar 14, 2005.

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  1. I was on exercise last week and, after a weekend of hardcore R and R, was faced with the task of washing combats, shreddies etc this morning. Sure enough, snarling at me from a dark corner of my Berghaus mule were a pair of fake Calvin Klein boxers (Ludlow market, £1.99 for a packet of three) complete with a skidmark like the starting grid at Brand's Hatch and a collection of interesting salt stains on the front. I momentarily considered chucking them away but then thought 'waste not, want not' and bunged them in the wash with the rest of the gear.

    This left me musing about two things. First was, of course, Andy McNab's almost supernatural ability to take a residue-free dump: whatever happened to Bravo Two Zero, surely the man deserved his DCM for that alone. Secondly: what is the most appalling grunge-up I have ever seen on a fellow human being?

    Way back when the Beatles were still a going concern, I was a pupil at a small kindergarten in the vicinity of Knightsbridge in central London. Every morning, we would walk up to Hyde Park to play for an hour or so with the contents of a hamper full of toys which were dispensed by a strange old harridan who wore a fur coat. One of my fellow pupils was a girl whose parents sent her into combat every day wearing one of those coats which are only sold on production of an official membership card for the upper middle classes - a heather-mix tweed number with a dark velvet collar. Anyway, the long and short of it is that I pulled said girl's hair and she chased after me before unfortunately tripping, landing face-first in a large and luxuriantly coiled dog turd, simultaneously biting her tongue and bottom lip and, with the forward momentum of the chase, sliding forwards through the turd. Even though this happened nearly 38 years ago, I can still vividly recall the look of horror on her face as she contemplated the fact that she was smeared in dog sh1t and blood from the tip of her nose to the hem of her coat. The mad old crone was so sympathetic, she gave her a beaker full of Ribena when we got back - an unheard of treat.

    Many years later, when training recruits, my staff and I were confronted by a similar sight: a girl who had started her period early (and had cleverly broken SOPs by not bringing any sanitary protection on exercise) and had shortly afterwards shat herself as the result of a hitherto unsuspected dose of the bumsquirts. After the careful ministrations of a female lieutenant and corporal, she was able to continue the exercise, now also sporting an FFD cleverly modified by yours truly for an hitherto unsuspected purpose, but it has to be said there was a noticeable increase in foxes and stray dogs hanging around the basha site.

    Any advance on this?
  2. There can be no advance on this.

    I nearly ruined my laptop.

    Outstanding, outstanding.
  3. No advance possible, but a snippet of tac-savvy might relieve suffering amongst exercising troops.

    I have thus far avoided tactical rectal caking by using 'Method Eight'.

    1. On the first day, wear underwear in normal civvy mode.
    2. Day two rotate through 180 degrees and wear arrse first.
    3. Day three, inside out, normal orientation.
    4. Day four, rotate through 180 degrees, arrse first and inside out
    5. Day five, swap them with your driver and repeat 1-4.

    In extreme circumstances, 'Method Sixteen' may be employed but those using it should expect to be asked to sit outside the O Gp on their own chair. Lip reading skills and opera glasses would thus ease the passage of information.

    'Method Thirty-Two' cannot be employed without the authorisation of the commander of the TAOR and may even require ministerial approval.

    Hope this helps,
    Sticky :D
  4. I thought a man of your stature would be going Commando CP? :D

    Yes, I know of a story involving a recruit, a field dressing and a danger of TSS , Snips knows the details , she beasted her for it I believe.
  5. What you mean nearly , this is being input via the PDA, new laptop tomorrow 8O :oops: 8O
  6. This is even better for being signed off, "Sticky"... :lol:
  7. Ne'er mind te sig block, check the Avatar! :D
  8. Too cold!
  9. Long drives usually give me wheelspins that take two cycles and a bucket of vanish.

    No matter how scrupulously I wipe my starfish the mystery mud mark always signs my shreddies.

    Is this a one off or is it a common phenomina?

    True story, I sat on the edge of the bed this morning to pull my socks on and left a small stain on the bed, I was horrified and scared shitless that the Frau would see it....... I did the decent thing, made the nipper cry and when she went to tend to it I pulled off the bottom sheet and told her that I could smell baby sick ont he bedding :D
  10. Tried this - the bugger was a bit miffed at having to relocate into my kecks and had to be beaten into place with a shovel.

    Being RGJ this was not the problem it might have been
  11. You're leaking mate. The sphincter can only take so much punshment before it begins to lose its elasticity, and incontinence ensues. I told you that you shouldn't have volunteered to be fisted by the entire Western Samoan rugby team. :D
  12. I was no volunteer, I put up a fight...........

    Fcuk me them fella's have big hands I thought my entrails were gonna fall out
  13. How the hell did you get yourself a Swedish driver? I want one! (Though I might not take her out 'clubbing'...)
  14. Has Cait been slipping ether onto your pillow and doing you with the anal intruder in your sleep again? :lol:

    Next time just slip onto the carpet tuck your lesg up and pull yourslef along like a demented sheepdog so you leave a skidmark that Ayrton Senna would have been proud of :wink:
  15. Caits hands are small and feminine and by bot-bot always returns to its original state.... so that wasn't the cause....

    I must have failed to wipe properly as I developed a real itcher ricker shortly after...... I dived in the shower and tackled my hoop with the fraus exfoliator thing :D