EXCUSES

#1
What’s the current best way of saying “I know what you are talking about, but I’ve done nothing about it”?

My favourites are:

“I’m on it.”

“Did you not get the email about it? No? I’ll send it again now.” (Off the phone – “Sh1t, sh1t, why did I spend all day on ARRSE and not do that work?”

“It’s in hand.”

“Not a problem.”

Any others??
 
#2
iv writen that down and will get back to you shortly.

my pc is not working properly it wont let me print.
 
#3
"Absolutely [Insert rank here] - as you are aware*, the output from the preliminary Working Group on this matter was purely exploratory in nature - that is to say - a workpiece in potentia. We are now fully seized of the necessity in engaging in a meaningful and direct manner with all interested parties and stakeholders, and remain balanced and poised to take positive incremental steps towards actualisation of your aims, in order that we can achieve your vision of desired endstate. It needs hardly be said that certain frictions still exist - mitigating and negating these will/must be realised within the wider holisitic framework of a fully solution focussed and engineered concept for success.

Once I have improved sight of the core issues, I'll send you a service paper on it."

*Of course, [Insert name here] is not even remotely aware - but make him think he is, or has forgotten!
 
#4
Feck my DD you have iven managed to bogel my grate sudents brain with that explanation.

why not just schift the blame onto some one els e.g. "I sent my batman with the documentatin shurly he should have arived by now."
 
#5
I’d like to point out that the ONLY time I ever use ‘management speak’ is to get myself out of a hole. I work along similar lines to DD, but with a requirement for a somewhat more matey linguistic style, hence I will use: “I’ve thrown this out to the region to see who wants a bite; the stakeholders are coming in slowly but we need to firm-up the proposed scope before they fully buy-in. I’m flooded with data, which I know you don’t want to see, so once it is jisted I will get it out to you.”
 
#6
I'm just waiting for XXXXXXXXXX to get back to me with the XXXXXXXX I asked for in relation to this.

Insert whatever and whoever you want for the XXXXXXXXXXX's
 
#7
Not a fan of excuses, I prefer the 'I've fcuked up, I'll get it done' line thereby making them feel a little rude for bringing it up in the first place. Taking responsibility, essentially noble in itself, is also great for taking the steam out of a potential lashing.
 
#8
Good skills Dozy. I was at a meeting last week where an individual from a certain HQ used the following phrases without even pausing to draw breath, look embarrassed, or cough ironically:

"We need to fully understand the utility of any proposed end-to-end delivery solution."
- We need to make sure it works.

"I am minded to aquiesce to industry's concerns at this natural breakpoint in proceedings - we have clearly hit a capability/understanding interface."
- They don't understand us.

"We tend to over-solutioneer."
- We do industry's work for them.

"This is only a strategy level workpiece - we need to refine, crystallise and distillate the essence of success before we 'go green'."
- I'm good at big hand/small map stuff, but I know feck all about this so you do the clever bit and add the detail.


And on and on...the shame is that more and more (uniformed) people are using this utterly crap non-speak every day i.e. 'workspace' - what's wrong with 'desk'. Feck!
 
#9
I want the name of every b'stard who's ever said, "abacus is doing that for you, sir."

Obviously, apart from that I never need to make excuses.














Because it's always quite obvious how and why I've fcuked up :grin:
 

mysteron

LE
Book Reviewer
#10
Best excuse ever is:

"No one has tasked me with it......(but they had and you deleted it).... There is no e-mail or hard copy.....(and they did e-mail or post it but you got rid of it..)......, you can have a look if you want.....(becasue it has been dleted or thrown away you are covered)...... I'll tell you what though, e-mail me with it and I'll see what I can do." Nice bluff..never been caught out yet.
 
#12
The absolute best excuse for being late for work I've ever, ever heard (well, this side of the pond at least)...

"A mountain lion ate my horse"

Having choked on my coffee with disbelief and barely surpressed hysterics, the bloke went on to prove it was true too. The fact that he then did $700+ damage to his neighbour's tractor trying to bury the dead horse just added insult to injury!

Dear MCM Div - think I need to come home?

Hoooah, etc

JAFSO
 
#13
The absolute best excuse for being late for work I've ever, ever heard (well, this side of the pond at least)...

"A mountain lion ate my horse"

Having choked on my coffee with disbelief and barely surpressed hysterics, the bloke went on to prove it was true too. The fact that he then did $700+ damage to his neighbour's tractor trying to bury the dead horse just added insult to injury!

Dear MCM Div - think I need to come home?

Hoooah, etc
JAFSO
 
#14
The absolute bestest ever excuse for being late for work I've ever heard (well, this side of the pond, anyway)....

"A mountain lion ate my horse".

Having nearly choked on my coffee in supressed hysterics, I then had to apologise to the poor bloke since his story was true. Just to add insult to injury, he then did $700+ damage to his neighbour's tractor trying to bury the dead horse!

Dear MCM Div - I need to come home!

Hoooah, etc,

JAFSO
 
#16
Darth_Doctrinus said:
Good skills Dozy. I was at a meeting last week where an individual from a certain HQ used the following phrases without even pausing to draw breath, look embarrassed, or cough ironically:

"We need to fully understand the utility of any proposed end-to-end delivery solution."
- We need to make sure it works.

"I am minded to aquiesce to industry's concerns at this natural breakpoint in proceedings - we have clearly hit a capability/understanding interface."
- They don't understand us.

"We tend to over-solutioneer."
- We do industry's work for them.

"This is only a strategy level workpiece - we need to refine, crystallise and distillate the essence of success before we 'go green'."
- I'm good at big hand/small map stuff, but I know feck all about this so you do the clever bit and add the detail.


And on and on...the shame is that more and more (uniformed) people are using this utterly crap non-speak every day i.e. 'workspace' - what's wrong with 'desk'. Feck!
Did he hand his jibberish out pre-printed DD, or did you actually listen to him and memorise that drivel?
 
#17
erm, one thats en-vogue at min...erm, i'm struggling with the CASH/DII delamination, the files moved, just trying to locate it now
 
#19
"I can’t proceed until the spares I ordered two months ago arrive."

Sorry, that’s the truth and so not funny.
 

Similar threads


Top