Excuses needed.

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Bagster, Jul 28, 2006.

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  1. I have a day off work today, and my missus is psd off that she has to go to work. She has given me a list of sh1te jobs round the house to do, that will seriously interfere with my own plans to head off down the pub in about an hour, and surf the internet for porn for the rest of the day.

    Gentlemen, I have until approx 1700 to come up with some decent excuse why a) The bathroom hasn't been cleaned prior to relatives visiting tomorrow and b) Our son's clothes are unironed and in the same place she left them. I could just crack on and do them both, but it's the principle....I just can't be arrsed.

    However, saying "I couldn't be arrrsed" isn't really an option as I would like to play "hide the german helmet" at some point this weekend.

  2. Set fire to your house, retire to pub, saying your suffering smoke inhalation. Or failing that leave her as she obviously dont like you, if she has left you jobs to do, instead of letting you look at Dwarf Porn.
  3. I thought the traditional reply from your lot was "Thats not my part of ship!"

    But seriously, if you discover the joy of housework, she might find herself redundant, and you wouldn't want that, would you? :wink:
  4. Not sure how old your son is - get him to do it if he is, bung him some pocket money to clean the bog and iron his own clothes! Leaving you to porn-surf til your *cough* hearts content... :D
  5. Tidy away all the clutter in the bathroom, as to make it presentable. Then using a different brand of air spray. Spray liberally, thus Hiding any odours. Job done bathroom clean. Ram all her shite in a small corner of a dark cupboard, claim afterwards" you did not know where it all went"

    Just put your lads clothes away without ironing them, when they resurface (probably after the weekend). Claim that they;
    A.Creased when you put them away.
    B.He creased them when he dragged them back out.
    C.You were teaching the lad to Iron his own clothes. (Age related excuse obviously)

    Have a good WE.
    SK :D
  6. Easy...one of your mates rang up totally distraught after breaking up with his girl friend. He was devastated and crying his poor little broken heart out (she'll like that bit). After several hours on the phone trying to piece his life back together, you realised he was in danger of making a mess of a bus's wheels and you invited him round to better console him.

    Gradually, after sobbing on each other's shoulders for a couple more hours (she'll like that bit too....bonding is 'sweet') he managed to put things back into perspective (you felt you had to offer him a couple of beers out of the fridge first though), and to make sure he was really okay, you took him down the pub for a couple of hours.

    This will explain how (a) the house is still a mess, (b) you've drunk all the beer in the house and (c) are in the pub when she gets home.

    (This one works about twice a year, any more than that, and female intuition kicks in)
  7. Pretend there was an emergency at the barracks and you were called in to help?
  8. Put sons clothes in Dryer, will take out the creases while your at the pub, much less work!!!
  9. Yellow Pages:

    House Cleaning solutions £30 for 2 hours?
    Increase/Decrease Ironing Services £20 for 30 items?
    All afternoon down the pub PRICELESS
  10. Get yourself a Fillipino house slave, oops I mean au pair. You can run one on a tin of Chum a day, play hide the salami any time you like, and stash her away in a suitcase under the bed while your wifes at home.
  11. haha good one
  12. you don't need any clever excuses. just remind her that ironing and cleaning is her job, not yours.
  13. I'm with SKJOLD on this one.

    Quickly hide anything in the bathroom that looks untidy (shove it in the cabinet, flush it down the pan or bin it) then give it a quick slap over with a wet towel. Give the khazi a full bottle full of domestos and spray the room with the entire contents of her best £150 a bottle channel.

    Take the clothes and quickly fold them up and put them in your sons drawers...he'll get the blame for the creases.

    All this should take a real man no longer than the time it takes to read this post.!
  14. Go buy her a present... something that sparkles (like a new glass eye) and give it do her.
    If she moans about the housework accuse her of being an ungrateful trout, douse her in vodka, set fire to her then drop your widescreen TV on her bonce as she runs round screaming.
  15. Stab her in the eye with a knitting needle, nob the wound, it'll be just like doing it when Arsenal are at home, and then tell her to pack her kit and fcuk off for even think of giving you a "list" on a day off.