Ex Squaddies - Fit members of society?

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by k13eod, Dec 19, 2007.

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  1. I work for a very big humanitarian organisation that has projects in 60 of the world’s poorest countries. We fight injustice and evil at every opportunity, providing a service to the poor that would otherwise be denied the sad little f*ckers. In short, we want the world to sing in perfect harmony; we want everyone to have equality, security and freedom from disease … disability … and bombs … and mines … and persecution et al. A world where everyone can wear corduroy, live green, hug trees and eat korma … fantastic.

    And I proudly play my part in this organisation; yet something doesn’t feel quite right! It’s that deep buried squaddie in my soul you see! I go to meetings and discuss all sorts of issues with my fellow co-workers who are intellectual giants in comparison to me … and after a while the mind wanders; yes, darling, you would look lovely naked and squirming under my lardy body; hmmmm, look at those huge t!tties squeezed into that too tight sweater; cold is it love? Sure are indicating!

    A huge list of mind boggling indiscreet thoughts occupy my mind at work. Is it just me or are squaddies not really cut out for ‘normal’ life after service? Are we not really fit to be released back into the community? Should resettlement include compulsory training in ‘how to be a fit member of society’?
  2. I'm sure its not just squaddies but we're used to being able to speak the thoughts that civilians learn year after year to supress.

    Just be careful not to articulate those thoughts...

    The horror! The horror! [in the style of Col Walter E Kurtz please]
  3. Just when you feel the urge to say or do something armyish which may cause offence. Just do something else army ish.

    Tip up to meetings (Orders) in your "Harbour slippers"
    Get a hexi burner going during a conference
    Tell her she can take her body armour off when shes indoors

    You'll be fine
  4. There does appear to an underground network out there fighting to rid society of all things manly, humerous and non PC.... namely The Squaddie.

    Keep up the good fight, the thoughts, the humour, the intolerance of all things unmoral or just plainly wrong. Our day will come.

    They can take away our uniform but never our thoughts.
  5. You can only ever take off the green skin you wear on the outside.

    mind you, even civvy blokes find their minds wandering in the presence of boobs, or so I'm led to believe.
  6. Been out for years but still love letting a good old post Murphy's and curry fart go in the office prior to the whining civil servants turning up...
  7. Failing that, wait until the first person in the meeting is dropping off, get out your mess tins and bang them together shouting GAS GAS GAS.

    At least any ex squaddie present will appreciate the sense of humour :D
  8. nowt to do with being a squaddie...you're simply a BLOKE!!!
  9. Make sure you add a little realism first, drop the occasional training fart. Save the nasty ones for later. :twisted:
  10. In fact why not go for the full Monty ?
    CS Spray anyone ? :twisted:
  11. I can almost control the urge to say what I see but somehow the poor feckers can see it in my eyes and it makes them nervous

    I almost got charged once for looking at a nursing officer, no back chat/disobedience/no crime. Just ouzing uncontrollable contempt from every pore in my body

    I draw pictures of flowers and wear rainbow jumpers in meetings now a days
    Helps to cam over my evil tourettes mind seepings, I should really carry a small cute puppy round with me to balance my karma and appear less threatening

    And if you want me to do something, stop fecking p+ssing around building up to it and just tell me what to do AAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHH

    If you talk management speech I will derail you and demand an english fecking translation
  12. Right with you on that one mate. The organisation I work for has its head quarters in Brussels. So meetings are usually conducted in French. The French language is designed to beat around the bush and never quite get to the point!

    Most of our meetings end with an agreement to have another meeting to discuss it further .... FFS!
  13. Bit like their legal system then...still based on the Napoleonic Code...and no one can work out the code apart from Napoleon and ees dead. Well God can but he's not speaking to Napoleon at the mo. :)
  14. You wanna try business with Italians, one day i will come to in a conference room surrounded by broken corpses, clutching a ragged windpipe in one hand and a still warm human heart in the other

    Muttering they made me do it
  15. Hmm....as an analyst for the Police I mentioned in my first Police/Council meeting that there was a connection between junkies and acquisitive crime in an area of ******, my boss kicked me under the table and had to prevent the chap from the Drugs Action Group from having me taken out and shot....the correct non-censorious term is 'injecting drug users'

    Later that week he had to take me to task for asking 'which thieving Gippo has had my coffee away?' - he's ex-Met and is still trying to de-programme me

    Be careful out there, it’s a minefield, actually sometimes I preferred it when it was a physical one, rather than a figurative one