Ex Squaddies - Fit members of society?

#1
I work for a very big humanitarian organisation that has projects in 60 of the world’s poorest countries. We fight injustice and evil at every opportunity, providing a service to the poor that would otherwise be denied the sad little f*ckers. In short, we want the world to sing in perfect harmony; we want everyone to have equality, security and freedom from disease … disability … and bombs … and mines … and persecution et al. A world where everyone can wear corduroy, live green, hug trees and eat korma … fantastic.

And I proudly play my part in this organisation; yet something doesn’t feel quite right! It’s that deep buried squaddie in my soul you see! I go to meetings and discuss all sorts of issues with my fellow co-workers who are intellectual giants in comparison to me … and after a while the mind wanders; yes, darling, you would look lovely naked and squirming under my lardy body; hmmmm, look at those huge t!tties squeezed into that too tight sweater; cold is it love? Sure are indicating!

A huge list of mind boggling indiscreet thoughts occupy my mind at work. Is it just me or are squaddies not really cut out for ‘normal’ life after service? Are we not really fit to be released back into the community? Should resettlement include compulsory training in ‘how to be a fit member of society’?
 
#2
I'm sure its not just squaddies but we're used to being able to speak the thoughts that civilians learn year after year to supress.

Just be careful not to articulate those thoughts...

The horror! The horror! [in the style of Col Walter E Kurtz please]
 
#3
Just when you feel the urge to say or do something armyish which may cause offence. Just do something else army ish.

Tip up to meetings (Orders) in your "Harbour slippers"
Get a hexi burner going during a conference
Tell her she can take her body armour off when shes indoors

You'll be fine
 
#4
There does appear to an underground network out there fighting to rid society of all things manly, humerous and non PC.... namely The Squaddie.

Keep up the good fight, the thoughts, the humour, the intolerance of all things unmoral or just plainly wrong. Our day will come.

They can take away our uniform but never our thoughts.
 
#5
You can only ever take off the green skin you wear on the outside.

mind you, even civvy blokes find their minds wandering in the presence of boobs, or so I'm led to believe.
 
#6
Been out for years but still love letting a good old post Murphy's and curry fart go in the office prior to the whining civil servants turning up...
 
#7
Bad_Crow said:
Just when you feel the urge to say or do something armyish which may cause offence. Just do something else army ish.

Tip up to meetings (Orders) in your "Harbour slippers"
Get a hexi burner going during a conference
Tell her she can take her body armour off when shes indoors

You'll be fine
Failing that, wait until the first person in the meeting is dropping off, get out your mess tins and bang them together shouting GAS GAS GAS.

At least any ex squaddie present will appreciate the sense of humour :D
 
#8
k13eod said:
I work for a very big humanitarian organisation that has projects in 60 of the world’s poorest countries. We fight injustice and evil at every opportunity, providing a service to the poor that would otherwise be denied the sad little f*ckers. In short, we want the world to sing in perfect harmony; we want everyone to have equality, security and freedom from disease … disability … and bombs … and mines … and persecution et al. A world where everyone can wear corduroy, live green, hug trees and eat korma … fantastic.

And I proudly play my part in this organisation; yet something doesn’t feel quite right! It’s that deep buried squaddie in my soul you see! I go to meetings and discuss all sorts of issues with my fellow co-workers who are intellectual giants in comparison to me … and after a while the mind wanders; yes, darling, you would look lovely naked and squirming under my lardy body; hmmmm, look at those huge t!tties squeezed into that too tight sweater; cold is it love? Sure are indicating!
A huge list of mind boggling indiscreet thoughts occupy my mind at work. Is it just me or are squaddies not really cut out for ‘normal’ life after service? Are we not really fit to be released back into the community? Should resettlement include compulsory training in ‘how to be a fit member of society’?
nowt to do with being a squaddie...you're simply a BLOKE!!!
 
#9
Certa_Cito said:
Bad_Crow said:
Just when you feel the urge to say or do something armyish which may cause offence. Just do something else army ish.

Tip up to meetings (Orders) in your "Harbour slippers"
Get a hexi burner going during a conference
Tell her she can take her body armour off when shes indoors

You'll be fine
Failing that, wait until the first person in the meeting is dropping off, get out your mess tins and bang them together shouting GAS GAS GAS.

At least any ex squaddie present will appreciate the sense of humour :D
Make sure you add a little realism first, drop the occasional training fart. Save the nasty ones for later. :twisted:
 
#10
Drlligaf said:
Certa_Cito said:
Bad_Crow said:
Just when you feel the urge to say or do something armyish which may cause offence. Just do something else army ish.

Tip up to meetings (Orders) in your "Harbour slippers"
Get a hexi burner going during a conference
Tell her she can take her body armour off when shes indoors

You'll be fine
Failing that, wait until the first person in the meeting is dropping off, get out your mess tins and bang them together shouting GAS GAS GAS.

At least any ex squaddie present will appreciate the sense of humour :D
Make sure you add a little realism first, drop the occasional training fart. Save the nasty ones for later. :twisted:
In fact why not go for the full Monty ?
CS Spray anyone ? :twisted:
 
#11
I can almost control the urge to say what I see but somehow the poor feckers can see it in my eyes and it makes them nervous

I almost got charged once for looking at a nursing officer, no back chat/disobedience/no crime. Just ouzing uncontrollable contempt from every pore in my body

I draw pictures of flowers and wear rainbow jumpers in meetings now a days
Helps to cam over my evil tourettes mind seepings, I should really carry a small cute puppy round with me to balance my karma and appear less threatening

And if you want me to do something, stop fecking p+ssing around building up to it and just tell me what to do AAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHH

If you talk management speech I will derail you and demand an english fecking translation
 
#12
thegimp said:
And if you want me to do something, stop fecking p+ssing around building up to it and tell me what it is AAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHH
Right with you on that one mate. The organisation I work for has its head quarters in Brussels. So meetings are usually conducted in French. The French language is designed to beat around the bush and never quite get to the point!

Most of our meetings end with an agreement to have another meeting to discuss it further .... FFS!
 
#13
k13eod said:
thegimp said:
And if you want me to do something, stop fecking p+ssing around building up to it and tell me what it is AAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHH
Right with you on that one mate. The organisation I work for has its head quarters in Brussels. So meetings are usually conducted in French. The French language is designed to beat around the bush and never quite get to the point!

Most of our meetings end with an agreement to have another meeting to discuss it further .... FFS!
Bit like their legal system then...still based on the Napoleonic Code...and no one can work out the code apart from Napoleon and ees dead. Well God can but he's not speaking to Napoleon at the mo. :)
 
#14
You wanna try business with Italians, one day i will come to in a conference room surrounded by broken corpses, clutching a ragged windpipe in one hand and a still warm human heart in the other

Muttering they made me do it
 
#15
Hmm....as an analyst for the Police I mentioned in my first Police/Council meeting that there was a connection between junkies and acquisitive crime in an area of ******, my boss kicked me under the table and had to prevent the chap from the Drugs Action Group from having me taken out and shot....the correct non-censorious term is 'injecting drug users'

Later that week he had to take me to task for asking 'which thieving Gippo has had my coffee away?' - he's ex-Met and is still trying to de-programme me

Be careful out there, it’s a minefield, actually sometimes I preferred it when it was a physical one, rather than a figurative one
 
#16
Hmm....as an analyst for the Police I mentioned in my first Police/Council meeting that there was a connection between junkies and acquisitive crime in an area of ******, my boss kicked me under the table and had to prevent the chap from the Drugs Action Group from having me taken out and shot....the correct non-censorious term is 'injecting drug users'

Later that week he had to take me to task for asking 'which thieving Gippo has had my coffee away?' - he's ex-Met and is still trying to de-programme me

Be careful out there, it’s a minefield, actually sometimes I preferred it when it was a physical one, rather than a figurative one
 
#17
k13eod said:
And I proudly play my part in this organisation; yet something doesn’t feel quite right! It’s that deep buried squaddie in my soul you see! I go to meetings and discuss all sorts of issues with my fellow co-workers who are intellectual giants in comparison to me … and after a while the mind wanders; yes, darling, you would look lovely naked and squirming under my lardy body; hmmmm, look at those huge t!tties squeezed into that too tight sweater; cold is it love? Sure are indicating!
Well, it's a rough job but someone has to do it!

I spent some time working at a local college and had very similar problems. It just proves the old saying that you can take the man out of the army but you can't take the army out of the man.

:D

Rodney2q
 
#18
Maple said:
Later that week he had to take me to task for asking 'which thieving Gippo has had my coffee away?'
I got into trouble for referring to some of the students at the college where I worked as "Student Grant" - after the lazy f*ckwit student type character in Viz comic.

:(

Rodney2q
 
#19
thegimp said:
And if you want me to do something, stop fecking p+ssing around building up to it and just tell me what to do AAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHH

If you talk management speech I will derail you and demand an english fecking translation
Now THAT I can relate to mate ! I wish that just once every now and again we could have some of the old and bold Sergeant Majors "host" some of these meetings :twisted:
 
#20
thegimp said:
If you talk management speech I will derail you and demand an english fecking translation
No do it in TLA's and squaddie lingo. Much easier to understand :lol:

I often have these problems when I'm on leave and helping out in my brothers pub. Apparently some of the less reptualble locals don't like being called fcuking chav cnuts and especially don't like being told to wind their fcuking necks in when they gob off about it either.

On a related note female bar staff really don't like it if you keep sending them into the walk in freezer and giggling like a small child with the ex squaddie drunk at the end of the bar whe they come out.

Took her at least 5 trips before she worked out what we were doing. We were running out of things to ask for.
 

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