Ex moving away

Discussion in 'The Other Half' started by inneedofadvice, Jul 16, 2008.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Not sure if this is the right place to post but I am in desperate need for advice. I've logged in under a different password because my other username is pretty well known to be me so please dont think Im after anything other than help.

    I split up with my ex (we weren't married but were together for 10 years) about two years ago. We have a 4 year old who I see 3 or 4 times a week. Our split was amicable & because I had good access to my child I never sought for custody. I was advised that it would be very difficult for me to get custody as a single serving soldier anyhoo.

    She has recently told me that she is moving with her new fella to completly the other side of the country and taking my child with her. I begged her to reconsider and also asked her if she would think about leaving my child with me.

    When we split, she assured me that she would never take my son away. I actually presented our current scenario and she said that her childs happiness was more important that her and a new guy. I bought this and it was another reason why I never went to court.

    Tonight, she essentially destroyed any hope I had for having my child and as such I have no idea how much I will play a part in my childs life.

    I am devastated and really don't know where to turn.

    My question is what rights do I have? Where can I get advice?

    Any help is greatly appreciated, thanks
  2. i know they seem like a bunch of tossers but the citizen advice REALLY can help!!

    Ring ahead and explain you need an appointment as you are in the army time of work blah blah and they should see you within a week. They really have helped the bloke in our office though...

    nothing you probably havent thought of however....
  3. oldbaldy

    oldbaldy LE Moderator Good Egg (charities)
    1. Battlefield Tours

    Get yourself to see a lawyer and get access/custody sorted out.
  4. My son is fighting for custody of his daughter who as been in care for 11 months now.

    To put it bluntly and i am not saying all cases are the same but they have told him that as a young single soldier he as no chance of getting her.

    The main concern was when he is on tour,So it as been decided that i will have her during the week and when he is away and then he can see her at weekends.
  5. Just to add most solicitors will give you the first half an hour free.

    I did this as my son was still in germany and we had to get the ball rolling.

    Good luck to you.
  6. You split up two ish years ago and you have had plenty of contact with your son since. However your ex has been his "primary" carer, and if a court was called upon to decide a custody battle (i.e. with whom your son should live) it would need good reasons for removing him from a (presumably settled) home with one parent in order to place him with the other parent.

    Having said that, there may be such reasons. Examples may be that he is settled where he is in nursery, perhaps with friends or with family all round. A move to the other side of the country might be very disruptive for the lad, and would be likely to impact on his relationship with you. Even so, taboo makes a good point. A court would be concerned about your ability to be there for him. What would happen when you were sent to the Stan or Iraq etc? FTXs?

    There may be another option (although it is an unusual one and would likely need some fairly exceptional circumstances). You might be able to obtain an order from the court preventing the move. Much would depend on the amount of planning that has gone into the move, the reasons for that move, whether it was going to prove to be in your son's welfare interest. A court may have to balance the reduction in his relationship with you with other things, such as his mother's (or her partner's) ability to earn in order to provide a good standard of living etc. Or perhaps she is moving back to an area where her family live, who could provide support for her and your son.

    It may be that the more likely option is that she will be able to make the move, but that you will need to formalise your contact relationship with your son, such that both parents do as much as you can to minimise the impact of the move on your relationship with your son.

    All in all there are a wide variety of factors to consider, and (understandably) you don't go into huge detail in your post. Pm me if you wish, but my advice is the same as oldbaldy's: get a lawyer who will be able to listen to the whole story, elicit full relevant information and advise accordingly.

    Good luck.
  7. Can I perhaps put another view forward? Although you are concerned for your relationship with your son, it may be the case that this is best for him. You are old enogh to travel to see him & although a less frequent relationship would be engaged in as a result of this move one would still exsist.

    I think the question has to be raised of what is best for youe son? Rather than what you want?
  8. The bad news is that you have little if any rights in a case like this. The law will always keep a child with its mother unless you can categorically prove she is a negligent parent and try for sole custody. It's a crappy position to be in and the law sucks in relation to the rights of fathers but until it changes people like you will continue to be shafted. I would strongly suggest you skip CAB and get a consultation with a solicitor ASAP who specialises in family law who will be able to tell you what your options are in relation to access etc but as far as stopping her moving you will really struggle with that one. So sorry not to be able to offer more positive advice
  9. Thanks for the advice everyone.

    81cufc - Obviously I have thought about it from my childs point of view (note I say my child and not he or she - don't assume). You tell me how moving 400 miles away where his Mother knows no one other than her current partner is in my childs best interest? I have my family relatively nearby and her's on my doorstep. It seems to me that its his Mother that should be asking that question.

    Once again to those who offered advice, thank you, I have no idea what the future will bring but I will make the best of it for my child
  10. Apologies, I thought at some point you'd stated the sex of said child - Stands corrected.

    I'm not saying that what your partner is doing is right & I agree she should be asking her self exactly the same question as I posed to you.

    It would seem her moving (although with lack of information only guessing this) is a done deal & from the way you write that she has basically told you "I'm doing it & there's nothing you can do!" If this is the case you need to get some legal advice, as ther's plenty you can do! I can't see that any court would say moving your child from their home, family structure & if appliacable play group/nursery/school is in the interests of the child. Application for custody could be a possiblity, with you stating that whilst you have your military commitments your family will provide child care when you're at work/on ops. Family court still sees this as a stable home with a family member.

    What do her parents think? Perhaps if they agree with you, then they can assist you in sorting this out?

    If I offended you with my prev post I am sorry, I just wanted to check you were thinking of you child not just doing this for your own ends. Children can often be used as tools to make ex partners lives miserable.

    I would really suggest you seek legal advice. Reg Welfare Officer will be able to point you in the right direction if you're a reg. If you're civ & in a union, then you're union should have a legal advice helpline & failing either of those the Citizens Advice.
  11. Have PMd you.
  12. 81 cufc - sorry if I came over sore, Im on a knife edge at the moment - please accept my apology & thank you for you spending time trying to help.

    Those that have PM'd me, thank you so much your advice is greatly appreciated and your support is superb. I have a bit of hope now and I have a good idea of my next plan of attack

    Thanks very much again, any and all help greatly appreciated.

    PS - my kids sports day was on Friday and I won the Dad's race - back of the net!
  13. see here, and also see a solicitor:

    Who has parental responsibility?

    If the parents of a child are married to each other or if they have jointly adopted a child, then they both have parental responsibility. This is not automatically the case for unmarried parents.

    According to current law, a mother always has parental responsibility for her child. A father, however, has this responsiblity only if he is married to the mother or has acquired legal responsibility for his child through one of these three routes:

    * (after December 1 2003) by jointly registering the birth of the child with the mother
    * by a parental responsiblity agreement with the mother
    * by a parental responsiblity order, made by a court

    Living with the mother, even for a long time, does not give a father parental responsiblity and if the parents are not married, parental responsiblity does not always pass to the natural father if the mother dies.

    All parents (including adoptive parents) have a legal duty to financially support their child, whether they have parental responsibility or not.

  14. Check out the CSA, they have mediation services to handle cases like this. also they are the best scource of info on single under 21 fukcable fonny.
  15. Mate not in a dissimilar position to you so if you want advice etc drop me a pm mate's a lawyer and doing my divorce gratis free