Evil Through the Mail

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Cutaway, Dec 20, 2005.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Cutaway

    Cutaway LE Reviewer

    At this time of year most people get a bit more post than usual.

    Generally it's cards from relatives, mates you've not seen for a while or unit greetings. You might even get one of those suspicious soft parcels from a maiden aunt who thinks you're still twelve and has knitted you yet another matching bobblehat and mittens. Of course there are the usual bills and junk mail, but occasionaly the postie arrives with something more unsavoury...

    Today for example amongst the card and such a jiffybag addressed to "The Stunningly Handsome Cuts" arrived. I thought nothing untoward about this shipment, being used to vast moists of yummies attempting to bribe their way to a pint or two of wriggling Cutlets, and retired back to my brew.

    After noting that Auntie Marjory is having a wonderful time in the Seychelles, (despite her never havin been south of Watford and is a permanent resident of a soft walled room in the secure wing due to a mix up with her husband, a haddock and some Sheffield filleting knives,) and that the Greater Punjabi Gas Works plc is threatening to cut off my membership of their special one-in-a-lifetime weekly offers, I turned my attention to the parcel.

    What could be inside ?
    I gingerly squeezed it to see if I could make out the contents - it felt both hard and soft, (know what I mean ladies ?) and slightly angular. Nope, I couldn't guess.
    I lifted the seal on the back and peeped in.


    I was DISGUSTED !


    How can anyone send such nauseating items via the mail ?
    It's beyond belief that there are perverts out there that could do such things !

    I donned 3R.
    And an extra pair of gauntlets.
    Using non-ferrous shears I delicately cut the remainder of the packaging away and was left with the three horrifying items...

    First was a sealed plastic bag containing a soiled item of clothing.
    Then a Christmas card presumably with some missive from the creepo writen in his or her own excrement.
    Finally was a CD.

    I took this latter item off for investgation first as it was the easiest to decontaminate.
    On seeing it slide into the CD player I wondered what I would hear.
    It started with some tango music in the background and an odd, not entirely unfamiliar slapping sound - the crack of leather on flesh !
    Then I heard a voice, slightly high pitched, almost girly, but definitely the voice of a small male gwa.

    "Come on big boy, take me now ! Oooh ! Ooooh ! YES ! OOooh it hurts ! Now push, yes hard ! Like that ! Deeper ! Harder ! Harder ! Split me with your road drill big boy !"

    It carried on, but I wasn't going to allow my stereo to be abused like that.
    I knew then I would have to seal the whole unit up for secure disposal.

    Next I used the tongs to open the card, not easy as it was stuck together with what looked like wallpaper paste, and saw the unsmudged penstrokes within.
    There was some writing, "Many Happy Returns" it said.
    Did this mean that the debased creatre had started a campaign of postal stalking ? Was I to receive more depraved mail ?

    There was also a drawing - well not so much a drawing as where some degenerate had drawn around a template.
    But the template was, well I can't be delicate about this, but it looked like a penis - just in miniature.

    The card was signed by the owner of the bagged garment, the DPM thong.

    Yes I have now got a stalker who bears an uncanny resemblance to a drooling red squirrel with glasses.
    It was none other than RTFQ !

    He'd obviously been bidding on his own crisp underwear in the recent auction and has made me the object for his adoration.
    Quite understandable had he been a doris, but perhaps it's just his confusion with his own gender that has sent him falling so deeply in love.

    Fecking Weirdo !



    1) Has anyone else received odd or unwarranted items by mail ?
    2) If so what did you do about it ?
    3) Should I only be worried if he gets a stepladder ?
     
  2. I was once sent a sex toy by a nameless, blameless sort *cough-cough you know who you are*.......

    Being of an innocent nature and the thrifty sort I felt it inappropriate to return it and leaving it boxed was wasteful and Mother told me I must never be wasteful so, in fairness to those less well off and in dire need of a sex toy from a friend, I felt it my duty to use it until it died of natural causes.....

    And boy did it die screaming!!!!!! :D

    Beebs x

    PS next time can you leave the batteries out, the bomb disposal peeps said I should ask you nicely….
     
  3. You know you want me! Have you tried me on yet?
     
  4. RTFQ

    RTFQ RIP

    Cuts, you are now the proud recipient of 1 x DPM Thong, a Grease soundtrack and a Christmas card from little RT. It was bid on your behalf by one of the more lovely arrse maidens, and raised a princely sum for the RBL.

    Via a series of safehouses and dead letter drops, it has crossed the Joint Sy Area into your N Korean hideout, proving that Santa exists and christmas is alive once again.

    They're soiled too, so don't sniff them.