almost eased springs tonight when the phone rang at 3am turned out to be a recorded message telling me we're about to get washed away but when you have aging parents the phone ringing at that time is a real O ring tester
The ''Ring of mire?''.This was not me, but a tale related to me by a colleague who was a crewman on a frigate, which was on duty in the Caribbean, and southern American states.
After 2 months patrolling the Caribbean islands the ship was invited to Miami for a run ashore, relations with our American cousins ensured that most of the crew were invited ashore by families and could, where invited, stay with a family for the 3 day weekend.
Our hero gets invited to a family who are clearly very wealthy and have a mansion of some 8 bedrooms based on a very nice housing estate on the edge of Miami itself. The hospitality was good, and included a barbeque and numerous beers for the first night. At about 02:30 he woke up in his bedroom with an urgent need for a crap. All the hospitality earlier had ensured that he was disorientated when he woke up and did not remember the location of the bathroom. He didn't want to crap in the washstand which was fitted in the room so he devised a plan. He had a pair of sea socks in his bag, the long wooly types which our naval cousins are issued. He decided one of these would make a good receptacle for his turd. He duly squatted down and parting the top of the sock curled one down inside the sock, having brought immense relief to his lower guts he attempted to wipe up and washed his hands. This left him the problem of what to do with the sock itself. He could hardly leave it in the bin, as it was pretty smelly, and Miami being pretty tropical the contents would soon begin to smell a lot worse than it currently did, and attract the local flies.
An idea hit him, he noted that his bedroom overlooked the vast garden, so believing that he could get a good throw in the garden he could send the sock into spaces where it would not be found for some time. He duly tied a knot in the top of the sock, and started to swing it over his head to gain the necessary momentum to propel the sock to far corners of the garden, he gave it 5 or 6 rotations before successfully launching the sock and its smelly contents into the far corners of the garden.
He subsequently washed up at the sink and cleaned the stench, returning to bed to sleep off the evening's meal and alcohol.
When he woke up with the noise of his host family moving around he opened his eyes, it was now full daylight with the sun pouring in through the windows, imagine his horror upon seeing the brown ring which now decorated the painted walls, the ring formed when swinging the sock over his head to give it momentum!
Best bought in bulk. I feel.Many of you are aware that The Leader of the Opposition (aka Mrs Smeg) was being treated recently for breast cancer. Happily, she didn't need Chemo for it, just drug therapy. The trouble was, when she guffed it would stun a shithouse rat! Coming home from a hospital appointment, my olfactory organs were assailed by what appeared to be a mixture of rotten cabbage and a thousand bad eggs! I asked her if she'd farted and she said no, much worse.
As we continued, with all windows open, we joined a queue of traffic passing an accident. A police officer was talking to each driver and I was getting a horrified look from Mrs Smeg. When the copper stuck his head through the open window, his eyes glazed over and he came over sort of green. I apologized and said it's my wife's cancer treatment. Plod, being the wit they usually are, immediately said,
" that's a new treatment on me, take her out for a drive and fart all the way there and back!"
Plod legged it while we sat in shitty horror all the way home. It took some industrial strength air freshener to get rid of that particular odour.