Ever Soiled Yourself As An Adult?

Advise taken, well nuked though, just waiting......
As I recall from my food hygiene stifficate, it’s the rice that could be the problem, and potentially lethal. Rice should be piping hot, or blast chilled as the grains attract spores that will turn you inside out. Lukewarm or poorly re-heated rice can be bad news.
 
As I recall from my food hygiene stifficate, it’s the rice that could be the problem, and potentially lethal. Rice should be piping hot, or blast chilled as the grains attract spores that will turn you inside out. Lukewarm or poorly re-heated rice can be bad news.
I always nuke rice from a leftover chinky.
I've never ever ever left it on top of the radiator to keep warm.
 
I remember once strolling through the local park on my beat as a probationer PC. The unwelcome sight of one of the local drunks hove into view. He was struggling to get up off the grass and it soon became very obvious that he'd shat himself lavishly.

He saw me approaching and held out his hand imploring me to help him get to his feet.

"G-g-give us a hand up, mate", he stammered.
"**** off, George. You're covered in shit. I'm not coming anywhere near you", says I.
"I-i-i-it's not shit, i-i-i-it's m-mustard", he stammered out.
"So how did you manage to get covered in mustard?", says I.
"I-I-I sh-shit meself"
Reminiscent of a Paramedic I know.Saturday night. Picks up a regular drunk customer for A&E. This Paramedic and the A&E sister have a bit of to and fro/ banter going on.He knows the drunk is going to be left on a trolly in the corridor for a few hours,It being a Saturday night. So He sticks a snickers bar (Marathon to the elder lemons) down the back of the drunks kecks. When the A&E staff got around to Him, It was impressive by all accounts...
 
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endure

GCM
A while back me and Mrs R were treated to a nice Chinese takeaway by my FiL.
After scran, I was horrified to discover he meant to bin the leftovers. Being essentially a dustbin on legs, I combed the leftovers together. Then placed them on the dashboard of the car. Three hours drive home with the detritus slowly percolating during the next day, I was peckish. From gullet to porcelain was about as quick as I have ever done.

You've obviously never had an encounter with Picolax...
 
You've obviously never had an encounter with Picolax...
Any excuse to repost this:

It takes a bit of mental effort to follow but is fucking hilarious. 'blu-tone' is the user telling the story if you are skipping the other posts (no, it wasn't me).

Edit - if anyone knows how to upload a word file onto the site let me know, I have the picolax thread saved. It's close on a dozen pages of bum-related misfortune.
 
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endure

GCM
Any excuse to repost this:

It takes a bit of mental effort to follow but is ******* hilarious. 'blu-tone' is the user telling the story if you are skipping the other posts (no, it wasn't me).

To repeat my previous post:

"How quickly does Picolax work?
We advise you to stay within easy reach of a toilet as the bowel preparation causes multiple, often urgent bowel movements."

'to stay within easy reach' is a euphemism for 'to have your arse hanging over the bowl before you even contemplate taking the first dose'.

The only alternative is to wear voluminous disposable kecks...
 
After I was released from hospital recently I was prescribed codeine to help with pain relief.
As we're all aware it can lead to constipation and lo and behold after two days without having a shit I was fit to blow. Went to my docs and got a prescription for the stuff in the picture.
It's a good job I took it quite close to the loo as within minutes of drinking it I had to run the few yards to the loo. Even so I didn't make it and shat myself opening the door.

20190909_005324.jpg
 
I had to have an endoscopy at BMH Rinteln. The nurse thoughtfully advised me to go and buy some soft bog roll from the NAAFI as opposed to what was issued.

They were not shitting me (SWIDT :)) when they said it was like a pressure wash for your insides.

Jesus fcuking wept :)
 
Most uncomfortable poop of my life...

Just before last Christmas I was in a French hospital with internal bleeding. For the previous week I'd been as weak as a starving kitten, and had been shitting hot, black, liquid poop (essentially just blood).

The docs did what they could, and then put me in a single room for the night. After a couple of hours I felt the sudden movement inside that indicated an imminent splatterfest. In the corner of the room was a lovely sparkling bog, but I'd been told not to use it, and couldn't anyway because I was trapped to the bed by about a million tubes and leads.

Looking around desperately, I found the only possible container, a tiny cardboard sick bowl about five inches across. I wiggled it under my botty, but with the mattress being so soft and bouncy it was impossible to keep it upright and in the same place, any slight movement made it tilt or move.

The next challenge was to get myself into an appropriate position, and the only real option was to be on all fours.... but facing upwards, like the bint from the Excorcist. Something that's very difficult to maintain for several minutes.

Nevertheless, I'd done all I could, and hoping for the best, I released the old sphincter. There was a sudden blat and about a pint of black, stinking liquid flew out, luckily landing correctly on the DZ.

Now the problem was to clean up. Without bouncing the mattress (and tipping over the poop pot) I was unable to risk changing position and had to very gingerly move a hand down to the pot, which meant putting the whole weight of my body on the other three limbs. I found the pot and carefully lowered it onto the floor, followed by about ten minutes of enthusiastic cleaning of the rear area.

On a related note, two nights later, I was desperate for a drink, really, really desperate, as I'd been on nil by mouth since arriving at the hospital.

The only liquid was a half full urine bottle hanging from the bed.

It was like golden nectar. I just hope it was mine.

You realise there are specialist websites where you could have sold the footage?
 
After I was released from hospital recently I was prescribed codeine to help with pain relief.
As we're all aware it can lead to constipation and lo and behold after two days without having a shit I was fit to blow. Went to my docs and got a prescription for the stuff in the picture.
It's a good job I took it quite close to the loo as within minutes of drinking it I had to run the few yards to the loo. Even so I didn't make it and shat myself opening the door.

View attachment 415939
Lemon and lime flavour FFS.
 
To repeat my previous post:

"How quickly does Picolax work?
We advise you to stay within easy reach of a toilet as the bowel preparation causes multiple, often urgent bowel movements."

'to stay within easy reach' is a euphemism for 'to have your arse hanging over the bowl before you even contemplate taking the first dose'.

The only alternative is to wear voluminous disposable kecks...
During the lost three years between school and Army I had various jobs including working ins hospital. I was an admin bod in latterly records but in the beginning in the X-ray dept. One day there was much sniggering among the other staff as a senior regional advisor departed after a snap visit. Apparently this lady was not liked and her cup of coffee may have contained a dose of picolax. Don’t mess with middle aged NHS admin ladies!
 
On a free Sunday whilst on a course decide to do 8 bowls of prunes & custard in the cookhouse.
All ok until bowl 8 when the gas build up got worse and I nearly followed through.
I got to the loo just in time & sat whilst my assets went liquid, was advised not to smoke is case of explosion.
But it did clear me out ready for a Sunday evening kebab which moved through quicker than normally.
 
Apologises for the long story
The background story first....

As a young man I could eat anything (broken glass, horse shoes, anthrax infected dead dog) and be fine.
This all changed during a holiday to Tunisia in '91 though.
I was on the beach at the start of a weeks holiday with my wife-to-be, when I bought a whole water melon off a beach trader. My logic, as being whole there was no chance of anything nasty crawling and shitting over it so it would be ok or so I hoped...... I was wrong oh so very wrong.

About five hours later I was starting to feel mildly unwell so we made our way back to the hotel. After eight hours I was a wreck shivering, puking and shitting; this continued all the way through the holiday (5 more days) with me confined to the hotel room or rather the toilet, I didn't dare to even venture to the balcony to watch my better half swim in the pool !!

On returning home I was still bad so off to the local doctors I trot and was given more dioralyte, which did nothing other to have lemon scented shite drain out of my tattered hoop.
I now return back to Germany and I visit the medshed (2weeks after D-day (D being for diarrhoea)) and explain what was happening, as in, I was shitting blood and jelly, the jelly being the lining of my bowel. A sample of "poo" was taken and it turned out to be salmonella poisoning*.
Now its off to Rinteln for a check over and it turns out my insides are blistered / ulcerated. After a significant amount of tablets and several days on a drip I was a lot better. If this hadn't worked then I would have to loose several foot of innards.
But the damage was done and anything spicer than milk or outside a very boring list of food and it goes straight through me like an angry weasel in a barbed wire suit.

*The beach vendor to make a bigger profit as the melon was sold by weight had soaked it overnight in contaminated water (melons absorb water through the skin and the root).

Now to a story....
I was at FOB Farah and had eaten a very dodgy Friday night "Surf & Turf". How did I know it was dodgy.?.. well when I cut through the burnt outer into the 'steak' it leaked grey sludge!!! It later turned out the freezer on the truck had stopped working so everything had defrosted in the Afg summer then had been refrozen later on.

The next morning I was laying on top of my bed typing a report when there was a slight rumble followed by a sharp pain and a sudden urge to shit. I stopped typing and pulled my boots on for the 100+ yard walk to the Bathroom unit. I was able to cover 4-5 steps to the door (one foot inside the tent one out) before the first squirt blasted out. To save stinking out the tent I made an effort to continue to the bogs...... no chance, the gates of Hell had been opened and the Devil and his horde were on the move.
I went to the side of the tent and rested behind the pac AC unit as my ricker continued to spasm and I further filled my pants with goo. Every time I moved another jet would force it's way out. When I finally stopped shitting after 10+ minutes I banged on the side of the tent and asked for my towel to be thrown out to me. One of the guys brought me the towel .... I told him not to come near me but he did, he then started to gag and dribble at the sight and stench... there I was soaked in orange sludge. Some of the squirts had been forced upward and my shirt was stained and damp with arse gravy.
My boots and socks were contaminated with this vile liquid as it drained downward. I now removed my sodden trousers there was facial matter caked to my leg hairs. The final stage was to remove my underpants, I slowly pried them away and down my legs, there in the gusset was a whole single shrimp from last nights meal untouched from the devastation looking back at me.
After showering and scraping the mess from my body and clothes I collected my things and took them to the on camp laundry. I explained to the Indian not to touch anything and just throw the mesh bag straight into the machine...... he didn't listen/understand and later that day I was called into the camp managers office to explain why the laundry staff were so pissed off with me.

Apologises again for the long story
 
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Apologises for the long story
The background story first....

As a young man I could eat anything (broken glass, horse shoes, anthrax infected dead dog) and be fine.
This all changed during a holiday to Tunisia in '91 though.
I was on the beach at the start of a weeks holiday with my wife-to-be, when I bought a whole water melon off a beach trader. My logic, as being whole there was no chance of anything nasty crawling and shitting over it so it would be ok or so I hoped...... I was wrong oh so very wrong.

About five hours later I was starting to feel mildly unwell so we made our way back to the hotel. After eight hours I was a wreck shivering, puking and shitting; this continued all the way through the holiday (5 more days) with me confined to the hotel room or rather the toilet, I didn't dare to even venture to the balcony to watch my better half swim in the pool !!

On returning home I was still bad so off to the local doctors I trot and was given more dioralyte, which did nothing other to have lemon scented shite drain out of my tattered hoop.
I now return back to Germany and I visit the medshed (2weeks after D-day (D being for diarrhoea)) and explain what was happening, as in, I was shitting blood and jelly, the jelly being the lining of my bowel. A sample of "poo" was taken and it turned out to be salmonella poisoning*.
Now its off to Rinteln for a check over and it turns out my insides are blistered / ulcerated. After a significant amount of tablets and several days on a drip I was a lot better. If this hadn't worked then I would have to loose sevel foot of innards.
But the damage was done and anything spicer than milk or outside a very boring list of food and it goes straight through me like an angry weasel in a barber wire suit.

*The beach vendor to make a bigger profit as the melon was sold by weight had soaked it overnight in contaminated water (melons absorb water through the skin and the root).

Now to a story....
I was at FOB Farah and had eaten a very dodgy Friday night "Surf & Turf". How did I know it was dodgy.?.. well when I cut through the burnt outer into the 'steak' it leaked grey sludge!!! It later turned out the freezer on the truck had stopped working so everything had defrosted in the Afg summer then had been refrozen later on.

The next morning I was laying on top of my bed typing a report when there was a slight rumble followed by a sharp pain and a sudden urge to shit. I stopped typing and pulled my boots on for the 100+ yard walk to the Bathroom unit. I was able to cover 4-5 steps to the door (one foot inside the tent one out) before the first squirt blasted out. To save stinking out the tent I made an effort to continue to the bogs...... no chance, the gates of Hell had been opened and the Devil and his horde were on the move.
I went to the side of the tent and rested behind the pac AC unit as my ricker continued to spasm and I further filled my pants with goo. Every time I moved another jet would force it's way out. When I finally stopped shitting after 10+ minutes I banged on the side of the tent and asked for my towel to be thrown out to me. One of the guys brought me the towel .... I told him not to come near me but he did, he then started to gag and dribble at the sight and stench... there I was soaked in orange sludge. Some of the squirts had been forced upward and my shirt was stained and damp with arse gravy.
My boots and socks were contaminated with this vile liquid as it drained downward. I now removed my sodden trousers there was facial matter caked to my leg hairs. The final stage was to remove my underpants, I slowly pried them away and down my legs, there in the gusset was a whole single shrimp from last nights meal untouched from the devastation looking back at me.
After showering and scraping the mess from my body and clothes I collected my things and took them to the on camp laundry. I explained to the Indian not to touch anything and just throw the mesh bag straight into the machine...... he didn't listen/understand and later that day I was called into the camp managers office to explain why the laundry staff were so pissed off with me.

Apologises again for the long story
You really ain't had a lot of luck mukker, all well now I hope.


Stay away from the Vindeloo's...
 

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