Ever made anyone shit themselves?

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Wetneck, Apr 1, 2013.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. I'm writing this two weeks on, as it turns out Karma is a bitch.

    About 12 days ago I was on my way to an undoubtedly important meeting and stopped for fuel at a little station just off one of the many boring A roads our little country has to offer.

    I know the place well and it only has one toilet, which is why my evil mind went into overtime when I saw a car screech to a halt in the parking area and a overweight bald bloke fumbling hurriedly with his seatbelt and looking like he was sweating more than a peado in a playground.

    "Ah ha" thinks I, this chappy looks like he's in dire need of the defecation station. Being closer to the door I immediately cease my chirpy whistling and slow saunter across the forecourt and slide myself in through the shop and into the bog. After trying to justify to myself my presence there by trying to pee, after about 20 seconds I hear the knowing "clunk, bang" that signals someone trying to get into a locked bog.

    Ignoring it and straining to piss some more I hear a knock and a feeble "Anyone in there" I muster a cheery "Shan't be long"

    Deciding to make use of the time In there I decide to wash my hands and make use of the complimentary hand washes and surprisingly large selection of poofter/female themed lotions. A good couple of minutes of anointing my manly skin with lavender and coconut themed cremes another knock and a terribly feeble "Hello, will you be much longer?"

    For some reason I decide that I want to be a complete and utter cunt so I reply "Only be a few minutes mate"

    All goes quiet and I'm getting a bit late now so I decide it's time to go. Unlocking the door I expect the rush of fatty but no, all is quiet and nobody to be seen.

    Pay for my fuel at the counter and go outside, taking a quick look over to the parking area I see the very upset looking chap rooting through his boot and pulling out a carrier bag, before shuffling back to the drivers seat, placing the bag down first before lowering himself carefully.

    A small pang of guilt passed over before I forgot all about it.

    That was until about 6 hours later, when I came down with a terrible case of the squits. Which proceeded to last for about a week and was followed by nasty bout of the flu. Almost enough to believe in Karma.

    So, any other Arrsers caused anyone to shat their pants?
    • Like Like x 1
  2. I'm sure some of the people who I flew might have come close...
  3. Wait til the ex-RLC chefs all get back from the boozer...
    • Like Like x 2
  4. I reckon so,

    There's this little filling station I know where I stash coconut hand lotion laced with gastroenteritis, just to get in touch with my inner cunt.

    I heard the Queen stopped there a few weeks back too.
    • Like Like x 1
  5. I should f'kin hope so, I'm ex ACC ^^
    • Like Like x 2
  6. Not a person...but I once made my cat jump who proceeded to shit the bed in surprise.

    I think the clean up/lingering smell were karma payment enough
  7. Several times, if we include getting people drunk. Well done me.
  8. Not me personally but one of our dog handlers had a mutt called 'Bryn' who quite often made people shit themselves. The only problem was I ended up driving the shit stinking scrotes back to the Nick.
  9. I once made my entire section shit themselves. It was quite easy really. I just rolled the 4 Tonner down a hill in Sennybridge, with them (and 16 boxes of LMG mags) in the back.
    • Like Like x 4
  10. mercurydancer

    mercurydancer LE Book Reviewer

    Yes, I admit to having pebbledashed the undercrackers.

    Many years ago we had to do some rather long strolls across the Yorkshire Dales and Lake District. The dreaded shits went through Warcop base like, er, well, the shits. I didnt think I was affected until descending from Striding edge when I farted and at that point understood the physical properties of a gas and a liquid. I cut the underpants off me and threw them in the garden of Dove Cottage as I was not allowed on the 4 tonner in possession of the underwear.

    I still live in fear of joining the National Trust in case I am found out.
    • Like Like x 4
  11. Too many times to mention, but that is the intention when administering enemas.
  12. I remember back in my early teens on the school bus there was a sister & two brothers from a grubby family, you know the type, hand me down clothes, scruffy appearance, no brand trainers, all the other kids used to call them gypos. Anyway one day one of the bigger older lads from the village asked them if they wanted some chocolate & gave them a bar on the bus home. They were like fucking gannets eating it! What they didn't realise was it was laxative chocolate. The next day their dad got on the school bus carrying a bundle of shat in clothes in a bin bag, he stormed up to the lad who gave them the chocolate & shouted "I suppose you think this is fucking funny! All three of my fucking kids have been up all night shitting themselves all over the house, we've had to stand Laura on her head to stop the shit coming out! You can wash their fucking clothes for a start and I'll be telling your fucking dad what you did!"
    We all sat in silence on the bus while he was ranting, then everyone started snorting with laughter, and all three of the scruffy kids got tortured for weeks at school.
    • Like Like x 3
  13. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    So what happened after that?
    • Like Like x 1