So, 1988 and 26 Engineer Regt holds it's annual JNCO Cadre at Vogelsang. Deep joy for all those who attended; its not in camp no muckers to fall back for spare kit, washing & ironing, etc. Steep hills make for long runs (although Iserlohn had it's share of them). And the barracks are shared with other units. 4 weeks of bullsh1t and beastings.
Tp Cmdr's inspection one morning, perhaps 10 days into the course. There's a floater in the toilet. Its is accepted that it's not a course turd, highly likely to from a "visitor" (the washroom was by the fire doors on the landing, adjacent to the next unit's accommodation. ). Not sure if Troopie was more upset by the turd's presence or the lack of a salute.
Either way, Cpl "Geordie" H informs us that if we have any further 'guests', we are to capture them, or else consider ourselves infiltrated and will spend the night in bashas.
That evening, ironing kit, there's a commotion in the corridor. Two or three other lads on the course are grappling with some obviously inebriated greasy haired, spotty-faced individual. "Get him to troop briefing room". I'm standing next to him, his arm lashes out and wraps itself round my neck. As he wont let go, it's off the to troop briefing room he's going.
He needed restraining whilst the DS were fetched. So wrists and ankles tied up (ever wondered why we have to have 30m of paracord? Now you know). And just to sure, we run a line between wrists and ankles. To be more sure, we run a line around his neck as well.
Perhaps putting a bag over his head was
slightly overkill. Perhaps. But it did shut him up. Even when the Tp SSgt's dog started sniffing round him. Confirmed he was a sloppo though, dog wanted nothing to do with him.
Eventually he's let go, and off he staggers with dire warnings of retribution and how we will find out what goes in the beans. True to his word, the following morning a tray of perfectly good fried eggs are removed and replaced with a tray of smashed eggs, and the beans have a suspicious white substance in them (obviously egg white - the muppet had let it cook). Everyone takes it in good humour.
Until 3 days later SIB arrive to take statements*; the AO of the sloppo's Sqn had heard of the events, and threw a track.
4 (or 5?) of us, including me, immediately RTU'd. Had to wait for another year for another Cadre.
*This was the one and only time I ever experienced the RMP on our side. Knowing what we didn't, namely that we were in the brown stuff waaaay above our heads, they purposely borked the investigation. The act of hooding the guy was a breach of lord knows how many laws, let alone Queens Regs. Apparently a Courts Martial would have been the starting point...
A year later, I finally get charged. 08.00 I'm told I'm on OC's Orders at 10.00. "Sit in the Orderly Dogs office, and read your statement, its in this [very large] blue folder. Do NOT read any other statement".
Of course I didn't, the howls of laughter were nothing to do with the statements in that folder. Oh no. No, I did not read a statement that read
"Was the chef being carried against his will?"
"No"
"Was the chef being carried in an untowards manner?"
"No"
"Do you understand the meaning of the word 'untowards'?"
"No"
"Interview suspended whilst Spr xxx consults a dictionary to determine the meaning of the word 'untowards'"
As for me? RTU'd, and a year later received an Admonishment. The Chef and Masterchef were both Court Martialled for interfering with the food...
en.m.wikipedia.org
player.bfi.org.uk
