Ever been punched unconcious by a fat girl?

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Taff49, Feb 3, 2011.

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  1. I have.
    Was a while ago, mind. Fremington, 1997, on Adventure Drinking we were. I had been spawny enough to swing a place amongst the DS which consisted of not working and poncing around in Berghaus and Karrimore gear for the duration.
    I digress…
    We were in one of the battle cruisers in town one night, and one of the lads was missing. Nice bloke, lance jack in my fitter section called G****** R*******, skinny as f**k and a runner, you know the type? Liked his ale too though, and also had a thing for fat chicks.

    Anyway, on the night in question, no sign of him until around 9ish, when in he wanders with not just one but two hefty ladies. Proper big call signs too, 20 stoners both of them. He looked as happy as a cat with a cream flavoured arse. Now, I’ve tried fat in the past but it’s just not my bag, you know? Call me fussy, old fashioned, whatever, fat birds just don’t flick my switch. Can’t stand fat people as a general rule, sweaty, greedy undisciplined twats the lot of them.

    So, I turned my back on them, and chatted to a mate, you know. I might have rolled my eyes, might have made a face while I did so, but I can’t remember. I was fairly deep into my pint of Blackthorn at the time, so my memory is a bit clouded. I might even have muttered “fat cunt” under my breath.
    I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned around. There was Fatty, 5 foot 5 and looking a little bit like she had chased a pie van all the way home, while she jabbed me with a quivering, porky finger.

    “what’s your problem, Duracell?” she squawked, in a voice strangled by rage and coarsened by too many sausage rolls (for those of you who haven’t met me, I am of the Ginger persuasion)

    I took a fortifying sip of my cider and retorted, fairly politely for me
    “I don’t have a problem, I just don’t like fat girls” and turned back to the interrupted conversation with my colleague.

    I became aware of a prod on my shoulder again, sighed, put my pint back onto the bar and turned around.

    And then she punched me.

    Right in the grid, all 20 stone of her body channelled into one swipe. Fair play to her, I’ve been punched a lot over the years and she had a cracking right hook on her. I don’t remember to much as I blacked out straight away, but by all accounts it was a proper cartoon style, both desert wellies off the floor affair, ending with me piled in a heap by the fruit machine. I came round pretty quickly to find claret all down my shirt and a decent shiner to match my split lip and bloody nose.
    Oh, and some Olympic-standard piss taking from my mates, including G****** who made a point of telling everyone we met that he had shagged the bird who flattened me.

    So, have you ever been punched out by a fat bird in public?
    Or punched out?
    Or shagged a fat bird from Devon?
    Or any combination of the three?

    Thought it might be nice to get some dits going again, been a while
  2. once in chester!! and i was not even drunk!!

    i was working the door of King cabs on bridge street, and i had dragged her out of a cab for wanting to eat her food in there on the way home,
    she gave me a lot of verbal then wandered off up the road towards town eating chips and curry

    i did not see her 5 min later as she walked up behind me, shouted some sort of abuse and as i turned around she nutted me!!
  3. Only Once.

    I was a Staffy in NI and going about my lawful business in the 39 Bde Sgts Mess when a, lets say porky and drunken, WRAC Provost WO2 called J*** McG***** grabbed me and ordered me to get her a taxi. My reply of "Foxtrot Oscar" didn't seem to be acceptable and I found myself lying in an undignified heap on the Mess floor.

    I got up, dusted myself off and, mustering all my dignity, phoned for a taxi for her. I'm a quick learner!
  4. jim24

    jim24 Book Reviewer

    Twice, first time she bottled me while I was kicking crap out of her boyfriend in The Royal Arms in Omagh, and then I made the mistake of chatting up a cute WRAC girl in Bovey NAAFI on my first night there in many years, I was suddenly getting creamed by what I can only describe as a female????? Sumo wrestler. turned out she was a little miffed at me trying to shag her Freshmeat Lesbo girlfriend, AAHHHH happy days
  5. Negligent-Discharge

    Negligent-Discharge LE Book Reviewer

    Beautifully written as always Taff49. Tea, snort, nose etc. Fremington... happy memories... NOT.

    I learnt my lesson quickly in Nirn. Having an argument with one female Sgt. in a civvy car she slapped on the brakes in an "interesting" part of town and screamed "If you don't shuttup I'll kick you out and shout BRIT!"... silence from me.

    I nearly got hit by one of those heavy glass Pub ashtrays by my ex-missus. However, lightning reactions made ne catch it before ashtray and temple met and I just growled "Don't ever do that again" Does that count?

    The Scarey One didn't knock me out the other month. She asked for a brew when I had been slobbing on the sofa horizontally. I stood up too quickly to obey her orders and passed out. Low blood pressure 'n all. Does that count?
  6. Last week by the wife.
    Getting ready to go out she asked me what she looked good in?
    Apparently my answer of "The dark", was not what she was looking for.
  7. Back in about 1990 during a NIRRT course in Ballykinler there was an after bar session in the blokes block where a couple of female soldiers were present.

    to cut a long story short a Booty grabbed the arse of an RMP female Corporal, she responded with a punch to the jaw which knocked him out.

    Result? His Adjudant whined, moaned and complained until I suggested that he may be confirming the opinion that Commandos are a bunch of faggots who can't handle chicks.

    Don't ask about the thieving RM CSgt who burst into tears. :)
  8. Where's that cunt Bravo_Bravo? He should be all over this post.
  9. Never unconscious, but hit with a bottle and then punched by the same girl! Hadn't even done anything, but any guy that would ignore or spurn the advances of this particularly amorous (and infected) clerk would probably receive some verbal, or in my case the bottle knocked out of my hands facewards. She was stumbling around completely bladdered so I put it down to her being clumsy. Made a small cut under my eye which fortunately didn't go black (that night anyway) and I carried on with the night.

    Sometime later I was standing at the bar, turned around only to get backhanded in the same eye by the crazy ass clerk! At this point I was raging and threatened to kick her across the floor until her friend dragged her away and sorted her out.

    Awful young lady!
  10. Servies yer right Taff49 Shows we are real wimmin
  11. I get sat on if Im reading a book laying on the sofa rather than in my forge working.... she ensures that she sits half way up my chest with 1 cheek, the other touches my knees and Im 6'4. its a form of domestic violence .. cant breathe... gasp.
  12. A few years back I'd been on the lash all day for a mates birthday and it was that time of the evening when the grease fairy demands feeding so me and one of the lads wanted off to Victoria kebabs. Victoria kebabs looks like the sort of place a rat wouldn't eat in but make the fucking loveliest kebabs and sell beer. It's also in a part of town frequented by shed loads of lesbians. WAHAY I hear you say. Nay, these are not the lovely, shaven muffed damsels that feature in those dvds I hide from Mrs Seagull, these are the fat, miserable tattooed cunts that dress like Dexys Midnight Runners.

    Anyway, me and mucker have ordered our 'food' and are cradling our Stellas on the American dinner style stools that are ripped to fuck and covered in gaffer tape when a group of the aforementioned lezzers come in. Somethings gone off because they are arguing like buggery. We sit there earwiggin' and the jist is that one has read a text on anothers phone from 'its' ex and isn't happy.

    After a few minutes off inane bollocks our kebabs are ready so we paid and made for the door. As we pass the rug munchers (is a fat one a carpet chomper?) my mate says "Cant wait to get home" to me. "What you say?" Snarls fatty looking directly at me. "Nothing, he was talking to me" "No, you said something" "no I didn't" "have you got a problem with lesbians?" She says. "no just fat cunts" I reply try in to be witty like Noel Coward but sounding like the dad from Rita, Sue and Bob too. At this point she lurched forward and swings a massive flabby fist at me. Misses by miles as I simply step back. She then grabs her bottle off the table and she turns I'm getting ready to chuck the vinegar off the counter at her and run off laughing when my mate runs up and lands the meanest right hook on her. She hits the deck like liquid and the world suddenly goes silent.

    "I want me scoff, get a fucking shift on." He says and wanders out the door towards the taxi rank.
  13. is that an admission to being a fat cunt?
  14. Not K.O'd, but punched pretty damned hard. Sitting at the bar in The Monico, Belfast, c.1997. Having a chinwag with a mate, I was suddenly and acutely aware of someone pouring a drink over my head. As I turned round to see WTF was occurring, a fat millie (chavette) planted a good right hander on my bake, followed quickly (I'm told) by a look of horror on her grid - she thought I was someone else.

    It turned out to be a good night all the same, as I got a drink from everyone at the bar, and 2 free Guiness t shirts from the bar staff.
  15. I'd have paid money to be privy to that! Good one, chap!