EU Announces Queen's English Modifications!

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Jokes' started by maccabonga, Nov 18, 2011.

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  1. The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

    In the first year, “s” will be used instead of the soft “c”. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard “c” will be replaced with “k.” Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced by “f”. This will make words like ”fotograf” 20 per sent shorter.

    In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent “e”s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing ”th” by ”z” and “W” by “V”.

    During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining ”ou”, and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
    • Like Like x 3
  2. BiscuitsAB

    BiscuitsAB LE Moderator

    Nicked it, ta. brilliant.
  3. The end product sounds German to me
  4. Mr_Fingerz

    Mr_Fingerz LE Book Reviewer

    It's very very old....
    • Like Like x 1
  5. Damn, someone unveiled our secret plan to take over europe!
    Curse you Mr. Kauder for spilling the beans.:crash:
  6. oldbaldy

    oldbaldy LE Moderator Good Egg (charities)
    1. Battlefield Tours

    It's even older than that.

  7. Shouldn't that read " Dem,somevon unveiled our sekret plen,to take ofer europa"

    "Kurse you Herr Kauder for spillink der bins"
  8. Prehaps this should have been activated in 1939!!! It would have made life easier for the code breakers at Station X, Bletchley Park.

    I wonder if our mate Dave, on his day trip/away day to Berlin came out; ICH BIN EIN BERLINER.
  9. Fucking hell, I first read this in 1994 and it was old hat then.
  10. Command_doh

    Command_doh LE Book Reviewer

    I remember reading this....ooooh, back before the internet was born.
  11. Ich bin ein Berliner - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
  12. Is it older than Topper? Or did he in fact invent it?
  13. On a cold dark night......
  14. I found this joke typed out in the bottom of an old mahogany campaign chest circa Crimean War. Maybe it was Tropper's.
  15. I heard this joke is responsible for eradicating the dinosaurs.