epic threesome

Discussion in 'The ARRSE Hole' started by Taff49, Jul 21, 2009.

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  1. ponced this from another forum I use, made me pi55 myself laughing.
    apologies if it's already appeared, couldn't find it on a search

    The first excuse is I had just split with my girlfriend, and being shallow - needed to move on... fast. And I had an all expenses hotel room for two bought and paid for by my company.
    But first - let me explain about Ashley, the victim, uh - I mean woman. She was a friends mum. Back when I used to sleep over at my mates house as a kid - I was 10 and thought she was hot as fuck. I used to wank obsessively thinking of her. In their bathroom was the laundery basket and I swiped a pair of her knick-knicks. Droped em on my face and proceeded to 'fire the custard cannon' inhaling the mushroomy sent.
    Problem was I was in the friends house who's mum it was, and we were in bunk beads. Russel, the friend below me was "Uh..... what you doin??"
    I forgot he was there...
    "I'm, er, having an Asthma attack. Stop talking you are ruining it... Oh and cover your eyes!"

    The friendship ended when I wiped my arse on his pillow.

    Fast forward 20 years or so, and I am in a hotel in Leeds. Very, very pissed. As I said I was recently single, so invited my mate Bulldog along. For those of you who know Bulldog, I asked all my proper mates but was too short notice. Bulldog fell off his bike as a kid, and has lots of scarring on his head where hair doesn't grow. He looks like he got chewed up by a dog - hence bulldog. I am drinking to forget the choice of idiot I have brought with me - Bulldog eating his normal diet of pills!

    The conferance at the hotel I was staying at (why I was there) - so was rammed with women, and I am hitting on every single one. I was on about my 25th 'fuck off' - then.... "OH MY GOD - is that you... it IS you.... hi yoooooooou"
    Ashley - Russels mum. Time had not been kind to old Ashley.
    She told me about her difficult break up... she said I hadn't aged a bit, but she had as she has liver failure, leaving her skin sallow.
    Me - pissed, told her I used to wank over her at 11, and stole her panties.
    So I am flirting, getting booglie and being a twat.
    She - to my total shock is flirting back.
    So, me, being all sensitive said:
    "How about you come upstairs and fuck me and my mate"
    She said....."OK"
    (didn't expect that)
    .................................................. ......"Seriously??"
    "Yeah - why not" says she
    "Fuck yeah" shouts Bulldog
    "Shut up Bulldog" says I

    So then, it turned in to a game of chicken as we walked to the lift.
    "come on then" I said as I started walking
    "OK" she said... following me
    "I'm serious" I said.
    "Me too" she said.
    "I'm not joking" I said
    "Good" she said.
    "Me too" said Bulldog
    "Shut the fuck up bulldog"
    I remember thinking 'Oh shit you've done it again - say your joking and stop this!'

    By now - we had got to the lift. I had sobered up real fast. I am beginning to think this is a bad idea. It was a joke. After the Banana lady - I leaned that fantasy is better than reality. But I called it, and had way too much pride. You gotta know when to hold em and when to fold em.
    In the lift, with its harsh overhead lighting - she was not pretty, sagging skin and yellow liver failure eyes. In the mirrored walls I could see Bulldong shuffling about with excited tension, playing with himself through his trouser pocket. It was repulsive, right there I should have hit the alarm button and fucked off.

    So, we get in my room. Of all the things you have read about me, this was by far the most awkward moment to date. My old mate's elderly, liver failing mum, drunk. My junkie mate looking like he is going to have a stroke and grinning like Forrest Gump, touching his cock through his pockets. And me. All looking at each other like a western gun fight is about to start. Nobody actually tells you how these things get going, you just start making random small talk.
    I said "Chilly today isnt it"
    Bulldog: "Huh??"
    Ashley: "what? thats not very sexy"
    I remember this next bit, as it is one of my epic FAILS. I had to say something sexy, and wild, but didn't know what to say - all nervous I honestly said the following.....
    "Uh, yeaaaah..... my dick feels like corn"
    corn... CORN?? what the fuck was I thinking, corn? I panicked and said the first thing t come to mind and it was corn. Lucky for me - she didn't miss a beat and said "Yeah, let me put some butter on it"
    ....and thats how it started

    Bulldog was so amped his head went red with all the scars white, So - I thought, fuck it - get in first. We started kissing. Even that was awful, it was like a hovercraft drove over my face. Bulldog unbuttons his shirt, I get naked in a flash to beat him, go for the kill, bend Ashley over - cos I didn't want to do it face to face as she looked just like my 10 year old mate Russel - but with a vagina.

    I plumb it in, so far so good. I am hammering away. For a short while it feels good and you forget the circumstances. I open my eyes and Bulldog right next to me - looking right in my face. Grinning. I didn't put any music on, so the only sound was like a dog walking through mud, only wetter, and my idiot mate right up in my face. So I whipered:
    "Fuck off"
    "What?"
    "Fuck - off"
    "Fuck yeahhhh"
    "No - fuck off"
    "My go!!"
    "What"
    "Gimme a go"
    "I just started"
    "Im gonna blow - let me go"
    with that he shuffles off in the corner and I can see him out of the corner of my eye getting undressed 'FFLAPP' there was a wet slapping sound, as if someone hit Bulldog, I snap my head around to look... 'FUCK MEEEEEE'
    It was Bulldogs cock. It was fucking huge. Like a comedy rubber, foot long, lady slaying monster dick. The noise was as it swung and slapped his thigh!! He then starts wagging it about, trying to get blood in it cos it is too big to just 'wood up' like a normal-un.
    You know that old footage of the girl in Viatnam - running down the street naked, all burned from Napalm and screaming - that is how I felt right there. How the fuck am I supposed to compete with that? I am flapping a sub-standard baby dick and he is packing a monster!! I know us guys are insecure about the size of our cocks, but fuck me!! This ugly, fucking fat retard looking idiot, is swinging a giant cock about.

    Now, let me just clear up the size issue. It matters. A lot. Trust me. Want to know how I know? Go into a sex shop. All the dildo's are thick 9+ inches or more of monster cock. Never has a woman gone "Uhh, yeah - do you happen to have a sub-average size dildo?" Would never happen. NEVER HAPPEN. The only time you could by a cock my size, all small and ugly with an awkward kink in the middle would be on a key ring. And it would be a joke.

    "my go" Bulldog says again
    I hadn't realised I had stopped moving. Just standing there, losing my erection while looking at his - and still in mates mum. So I pull out. Something about my idiot mate and his giant cock killed the moment for me.

    Now - you think everyone fucks like you. You base your basic 'fuck technique' on porn, medium speed regular half second piston-like pumps. Well.... they dont. Bulldong as I now call him is naked but for shoes and socks. Still wagging it like he is going to smash her about the head with it. He closes in behind Ashley... Him grappling the monster with both hands, it so big it would bend in the middle, Flop out and swing around. He'd grab it again. it was like watching a guy try to post a python through a letterbox.
    Then Ashley whent ooOOOOOHHHH SHIT yeah - oh yeah.

    Needless to say - she didn't say anything like that with me. I felt sooo shit. Curse my button mushroom-like cock. I didnt want to be there and my pride had just been flamed.
    Then he started fucking - christ it was awful to see. Grunting and squeels, and hammering away like it was a race, like three hits a second machine gun on auto, frenzy fuck. Bulldog is a big fatty fat, fat. He looked like a giant baby with a monster cock, fucking my mates mum. An image I will never forget - and the most traumatic I have yet to see. All I could think is 'I forgot to make noises! Are you supposed to make noises? He's doing the sex noises and she seems to like it - not only has he a fantastic cock - he does noises!'

    After only about 4 minutes Bulldog starts making loud grunts, pulls out the massive beast, it slaps on her back 'thud' and he then blows his load - all over her back. He then, like cave man, went 'Uunnhhhhhnnnghhhhuuuhhhhhhhhhggghh' and flopped on the bed, like a grizzly bear shot in the ass with a tranquilizer dart.
    I honestly thought, when pulled it all of that out of her - her liver would have shlopped out with it, hanging there like a grey flesh yo-yo.

    So - there I am. My freak mate, naked but for shoes - asleep on a bed. My mates mum bent over expecting me to perform, and me, in a hotel room. I wanted to die.
    Ashley looks over her shoulder at me "Come on baby - fuck me - gimmie that corn"
    I look at her pussy. Bulldog had ruined it. It was huge and stretched out of shape like she had just given birth. I could have stuck my whole hand in her cunt and flipped a coin!!
    How the hell am I going to follow that??
    So I position myself behind her grab her ass, and eyes shut, I am thinking of as many sexy things as I can. Just get hard - ignore whats going on, even morning piss-wood would do. Me trying to fuck her right there was like pushing a marsh mellow into a kebab. I'm as hard as jelly. Then my hand slips......................... Bulldogs Junk is all over her and I have just put my hand in it!
    'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRGH'
    It looks like a badly iced ring doughnut. So I grab her skirt, pretending to massage her ass, and scoop it out of the way. No - nooooo nooooooooooo NO!!
    I have another mans cum on my hand. I was either going to me sick or cry.
    I just stared at it, horrified. I must have been there a while, as she turned around. I didnt even see her get up!!
    She then started to blow my tiny baby cock - and that took my mind off it. Infact, a blowjob will pretty much take my mind off anything. I had restored some pride, as I was now sporting just under 5 inches of solid cock. It might not have been a giant like Bulldog's but you could have prized open a steel door with it.
    So, Ashly bends over and I'm in. It's OK - feels good, I am doing the noises, working away. She is making noises - probably sympathy noises but who cares, I am fucking.

    I was just getting into it, blocking out what I have just seen by remembering the best bits from my porn collection.
    'Bang'
    something hard hit the wall. I was all 'What the fuck was that?' I look about, and it was a shoe. Bulldogs shoe. Did he throw a shoe at me? "Bulldog what the fuuuh....."
    I look over and he is naked - socks and shoes now gone, and he is doing something.
    He has his back to me, but I can see he is up to something, fussing hard doing... something.
    So absorbed at what he was trying to do - I stopped moving again. Nothing prepared me for what I was about to see.

    Bulldog turns around. His cock looked even bigger but horrible! Dark purple and blue, bulging with veins. All swollen, I though it might explode. Around the bottom, he had tied his shoe lace!
    "Bulldog - what the fuck??" - I look at the shoe that hit the wall and, as I expected - no laces.
    "Make shift cock ring" says Bulldog. Standing there - with his cock presented with a big shoe lace bow at the bottom. All the skin where tied was puckered up and white, then bulging twisted viens and engorged. It was grotesque, like a giant purple gherkin.
    How the hell did he get hard again so soon? Must have been 5 minutes...

    So again I am out. Bulldog - eyes bulging, just ramms it in. And then goes fucking nuts.
    Fucking like a psycho, angry fucking, grunting and shouting.
    "Uhhhhhhh?..." I am standing there like a twat
    Bulldog gets worse and starts making animal noises and biting her neck - Ashley looks scared. He is biting hard - I can see the tooth marks, and hammering so hard I can see AND HEAR his turkey-neck nut sacks mash into her ass.
    I try to grab his attention - and whisper "Bulldog"
    "Nnnagghh ahhhhhh, uuuuugh"
    "Bulldog"
    "GNhhhaarrr, uhh, UUUHHH, Arrrrrr"
    "BULLDOG"

    He looks up - only one eye open like a crazy fucked up pirate. All red n sweatty with glowing white scars. It spooked the fuck out of me. So I screamed. Like a little girl
    "EEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhh"
    I have no Idea why I screamed - probably fear, but I am sure I had never screamed before. It was loud enough that Ashley stood up
    'Shhhlop' over a foot of Bulldog fell out.
    'What?' said Ashley.
    Me - feeling an even bigger twat "Oh...nothing"
    So, as Bulldog was standing there, already, she sat on the edge of the bed and tried to fit the purple monster in her gob.
    I had become a spectator. So - I tried to tell em 'I fold - I'm out, fuck this, you are both fuckin freaks' but what I actually said was "Err... hellooooooo?"
    With that Ashley flopped the giant cock from her mouth. It looked like she had been drinking mayonaise, stood up and tried to kiss me. Right after smoking Bulldog's mutant pole! FUCK THAT!! She got close enough that I could smell Bulldog's onion knob stench on her breath! So I pushed her off - harder than I meant, she fell back onto the bed and bounced off, onto the floor, smashing a lamp. Letting out the loudest fanny fart I have ever heard 'Phhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrflp' I am sure it splashed my face.

    Enough was enough. The whole affair was a nightmare. I grabbed my jeans and slept in the car. Nothing like porn. Not even close!

    Never again.
     
  2. Thank fuck for that some NAAFI normality
     
  3. I've read it before on hear..But it requires a larger audience as it is one of the funniest dits I've read for a long time

    9/10
     
  4. wasn't this posted a few weeks back?
     
  5. To be fair to this age of PC and to show an appreciation for interior design you should have least wiped your c*ck on the curtains afterwards.
     
  6. By my fair hand.
     
  7. What a poof, he didn't even try to do her UTS.
     
  8. I put a link to think story ages ago, it was actually posted on Magic Seaweed.
     
  9. I know that this story has also been posted on ARRSE before, but I can't find it to link to it, so for those who've not seen it before, enjoy!

    Tucker tries buttsex; hilarity does not ensue

    I spent the summer between my 2nd and 3rd year of college suckling on the parental teat in South Florida. It was the absolute prime of my "do anything to get laid" phase. I was recently freed from a 4-year long-distance relationship that began in high school and I wanted nothing more than to have sex with as many girls as possible.

    Most of the things I did that summer are not story-worthy; you can only tell the same, "I got drunk on Dom and fucked this hottie" story so many times before it gets annoying. That summer I experienced every random sex situation that a 20 year old can imagine: fucking on the beach, getting head from random girls in club bathrooms, sleeping with 3 different girls in a day, getting so drunk I passed out during sex, getting arrested for receiving fellatio in the pool at the Delano, blah, blah, blah...Jesus. What does it say about how fucked up my life is that I don't consider these stories to be extraordinary anymore?

    Anyway, while most of my stories may not be extraordinary for me, there is one very notable exception...

    I was seeing one girl, "Jaime," about twice a week. She was a fresh arrival to South Beach, having moved there 5 months ago from upstate New York as a 19 year old with a modeling contract. We met through a mutual friend who befriended her while they were shooting a TV commercial. Five weeks and lots of sex later, she thought we were dating. I knew better, but she was way too hot to bother correcting her assumption.

    The ex-girlfriend of 4-years I previously spoke about was very sexually conservative. It was missionary in the dark and then straight to sleep, with maybe a blowjob on the weekends if she'd had a few glasses of wine with dinner (it was a high school relationship, I didn't know any better). After four years of this, I was ready to experience all the things I'd missed out on (when I wasn't cheating on her, of course).

    Buttsex, known in the biz as "anal," was one of these unknowns, and I decided that I wanted to try it. Jaime was the perfect partner: very hot and very sweet, and more importantly, very naïve and very open to suggestion.

    She was reluctant at first, not understanding why we just couldn't keep having normal sex, so I had to employ my persuasive powers:

    Jaime "But...I've never done it."
    Tucker "I've never done it either; it can be our thing."

    Jaime "But...I don't know if I'll like it."
    Tucker "You won't have to worry about getting pregnant."

    Jaime "But...I like normal sex."
    Tucker "Everyone's doing anal. It's the new black."

    Jaime "But...I don't know...it seems weird."
    Tucker "It's the preferred method in Europe. Especially with the runway models. Don't you want to do runways in Europe?"

    After a few weeks of this, she finally consented. Though she agreed to let me put my penis in her small hole, she extracted a promise in return:

    "OK, we can try anal sex, but I want it to be special and romantic. You have to take me out to a nice place, like The Forge or Tantra, NOT one of your parent's restaurants, and it has to be a weekend night, NOT a Monday. And you have to keep taking me out on weekends. I'm tired of being your Monday night girl."

    I made reservations for the next Friday at Tantra. Aside from being insanely expensive, Tantra is famous for having grass floors. Really; they put in new sod every week. They also advertise their food as "aphrodisiac cuisine." Yes, at that point in my life, I thought these things worked.

    Thanks to my father's connections, I got us a corner booth in the grass room. She was quite impressed. I ordered like it was the Last Supper. No expense was spared. Two $110 bottles of merlot, veal rack, stone crabs, the Tantra Love platter--it was lavish and decadent. I was 21, stupid, and wanted to fuck Jaime in the butt; I wasn't about to let a $400 tab get in my way.

    By the time we left Tantra, this girl had doe eyes that made Bambi look like a heroin-chic CK model. She could not have been more in love with me. The entire drive back to my place she was rubbing my crotch, telling me how badly she wanted to me to fuck her, how hot I made her, etc, etc. We get back to my place and our clothes are off before we even get in the door. We collapse on the bed and start fucking. Normal vaginal sex at first, just like always.

    Now, what she did not know, and what I have not told you yet, was that I had a surprise waiting for her.

    [Aside: Before I tell you what the surprise was, let me make this clear: As I stand right now, 27 as of this writing, I am a bad person. At 21, I was possibly the worst person in existence. I had no regard for the feelings of others, I was narcissistic and self-absorbed to the point of psychotic delusion, and I saw other people only as a means to my happiness and not as humans worthy of respect and consideration. I have no excuse for what I did; it was wrong and I regret it. Even though I normally revel in my outlandish behavior, sometimes even I cross the line, and this is one of those situations....but of course, I'm still going to write about it.]

    This was going to be my first time foraging in the ass forest, and I wanted to have a reminder of my trip, a memento I could carry with me the rest of my life...so I decided to film us.

    I planned this beforehand, but I was afraid she would decline, so instead of being mature and discussing this with Jaime, I just made the executive decision to get it on camera...without telling her.

    That alone is pretty bad. But instead of just setting up a hidden camera...I got my friend to hide in my closet and film it.

    No really--I know that I will burn in hell. At this point, I'm just hoping that my life can serve as a warning to others.

    I left my door unlocked and we arranged it so that around midnight my friend would go over to my place and wait until my car pulled in, and then run into the closet and get the camera ready. The top half of the closet door was a French shutter, so it was easy to move the slats and give him a decent camera shot through the closed door.

    By the time Jaime and I got to the bed, I was so drunk I had forgotten that he was filming this, and of course she had no idea he was there. After a few minutes of standard sex, she kinda stopped and said, all serious and in her best seductive soap opera voice, "I'm ready."

    I quickly flipped her over and grabbed the brand new bottle of AstroGlide I had on my bedside table.

    A week prior, after Jaime consented to buttsex, I realized that I didn't have any idea how to do it. How exactly do you fuck a girl in the ass? Luckily, I had the world's best anal sex informational resource at my disposal: The gay waiter. I consulted several gay waiters who worked at one of my parents restaurants about the mechanics of buttsex, and each one recommended AstroGlide as the lubricant of choice. Much to my dismay, I learned that spitting on your dick is not enough lube for buttsex. Stupid, lying porn movies.

    The other important piece of advice I remembered was from Calvin, "Make sure you use enough, because if this is her first time, she'll be especially tight, and it might hurt her. Use enough to really loosen her up and go slow until she gets used to it. Then it's smooth sailing from there."

    Well, since some is good, more is better, right? At 21, this seemed logical.

    I opened the cap, crammed the bottle top into her asshole, and squeezed. I probably emptied half of the 4-ounces of AstroGlide into her. I have since learned from homosexuals that a 4-ounce bottle usually lasts them about 6 months. So yeah--I overdid it.

    But Tucker Max wasn't done. Oh no, after depositing enough grease in her to run a Formula One racecar, I dumped half of what remained onto my cock and balls, really wanting to lube up because I didn't want her to be uncomfortable.

    Really--consider my thought process: I was going to fuck her in the butt and film it without her consent, yet I was truly concerned about her personal comfort. Sometimes the contradictions in my personality even amuse me.

    Predictably, I slid in with ease. She was a little tense at first, but with an Exxon Valdez size load spilled into her poop chute, she quickly loosened up and got into it. I liked it also; it had a different feel to it. Not as good as vaginal sex, a little grainy, kinda tight, but still very nice.

    Before I knew it I was fucking her like the apocalypse was imminent, burying it to the hilt with impunity. After a few minutes I was ready to come. My urgency was expressed in my tempo, and I began really jackhammering her. As the excitement got the best of me, I pulled out too far and my dick came out of her ass. I kinda scrambled to grab my dick and put it back in so I could finish off inside of her, but before I could even get a hold of it and put it back in her ass, I heard a faint "psssst" sound and felt something wet and warm hit my crotch.

    It was dark in the room (I was not smart or sober enough to leave the lights on for the camera), so after I looked down it took me a few seconds to realize that my dick, balls and groin area were covered in a viscous black liquid. I stopped moving and stared at my strangely colored crotch for a good 5 seconds, completely confused, until I realized what happened:

    "Did you...did you just...shit on my dick??"

    I reached down to touch the liquid feces, still in complete and utter disbelief that this girl shot explosive diarrhea on my penis, when, without warning, the smell hit me.

    I have a very sensitive nose, and I have never been more repulsed by a smell in my life. The combination of synthetic AstroGlide and rancid stench of raw fecal matter combined to turn my stomach, which was full of seafood, veal and wine, completely over.

    I tried to hold it back. I really did everything I could to stop myself, but there are certain physical reactions that are beyond conscious control. Before I knew what I was doing, it just came out:

    "BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH"

    I vomited all over her ass. Into her crack. Into her asshole. On her ass cheeks. On the small of her back. Everywhere.

    She turned her head, said, "Tucker, what are you doing?," saw me vomiting on her, screamed "Oh my God!," and immediately joined me:

    "BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH"

    Watching her throw up on my bed made me vomit even more. Her vomiting all over my bed, me vomiting on her ass, the next step was almost inevitable.

    I heard the loud CRASH first, turned to see my friend break through the shutters and rip the closet door off as he, the video camera, and the door tumbled out of the closet and crashed onto the floor next to us:

    "BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH"

    The memory of the 2-second span where all three of us were vomiting at once is permanently seared into my brain. I have never heard anything like that symphony of sickness. It was like something out of the old Pink Panther movies.

    I think the crowning moment was when my eyes locked with Jaime's, I saw her moment of realization and then her quick shift from shock and surprise to complete and irreparable anger. Between bouts of hurling she flipped out:

    "OH MY GOD--BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--YOU FILMED THIS, YOU ASSHOLE-- BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH-- HOW COULD YOU-- BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME--BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--OH MY GOD-- BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--I LET YOU FUCK ME IN THE ASS--BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH."

    She tried to stand up, slipped on the huge puddle of backflow AstroGlide on the bed, and fell into both my pile and her pile of vomit, covering her body and hair in vomit, shit and anal lubricant. She flailed on the bed for a second, grabbed the top sheet, wrapped it around her, and started running out of my place. Still naked and retching, my dick covered in shit and oil, I followed her as far as my front door.

    The last contact I ever had with her is the image I witnessed of her in a dead sprint, a shit, vomit and grease stained sheet stuck to her body, running from my apartment.


    POST-SCRIPT:

    The camera we used was one of those old fragile ones that filmed onto a VHS tape, and when he crashed out of the closet, the tape recorder and tape broke. It didn't occur to us at that the tape records the images magnetically, and we could take the actual tape itself and get someone to put it in another holster until after we had thrown it out. I know it seems stupid now, and believe me I kick myself about it everyday, but you should have seen the apartment afterwards--the tape was not a high priority. AstroGlide, shit and vomit covered EVERYTHING.

    I had to rent one of those steam cleaners, buy a new mattress, and I STILL lost my deposit. It was impossible to get the smell out. The next month was like living in a sewer. Every girl I brought back to my place after that refused to stay there, and some even refused to sleep with me anywhere because of how my place smelled.

    What I never found out, and I still want to know, is how the girl got home. I never heard from her again, and the mutual friend who introduced us called her but didn't get her calls returned. I never heard anything about her or from her again, even though she left her clothes and ID at my place (she wore a tight dress out that night, and didn't bring a purse or any money with her).

    Can you picture that scene? What did she do, hop in taxi? Wave down a passing car? Get on the bus? She lived at least 30 miles away, there is no way she walked home. It perplexes me to this day.

    I'm hoping she reads this. Maybe then I'll find out how she got home.


    http://www.tuckermax.com/archives/entries/tucker_tries_buttsex_hilarity_does_not_ensue.phtml
     
  10. Classic. It might be heading for the hole but hey, it certainly made me laugh.
     
  11. These Americans are so unadventurous, he could have have taken her out for a vindaloo first, just for that "warm" sensation when it all leaked out.
     
  12. is it wrong of me to save that in my wank bank?
     
  13. I have had the same thing happen to me a few times. Every time I get my todger out while waiting for my turn my mate seems to lose all interest and wants to leave the party.
     
  14. That second one actually brought me to tears....
     
  15. Fantastic, thanks to both of you!

    I now have both the Mem Sahib and Middle Son looking at me as if I'm a complete looney!