Entertaing Pikeys

Recently some pikeys have moved in near me. Their late-night antics have kept me fascinated all night long, night after night. We all understand that money doesn't derive from jobs, and that waking up at 0630 is just for poofs. I only do that as a liberal, who wouldn't derogate the gay community and I don't mind being driven to drink in order to sleep. The question is, I am planning a party for my new pikey friends, what do you suggest I should offer them?
Try some traditional British pastimes:-

Hare coursing
Bear baiting
Dog fighting
Marrying your 14 year old first cousin
Bare knuckle boxing
Competitive alcoholism
Speed tarmac laying contests
Please bear in mind that I have discussed this with the local council. They liked my fireworks idea....until they saw the estimate from BAe
Apparently the little darlings have landed on the Green at Southwold: Bet the 2nd/3rd/4th home owners are loving that
Surely some home-grown Islamic extremists could make an example of them?
My plan would involve buying beer for a local zoo keeper, then slip into their house via the broken back door when they are sleeping off their gyros, beware, the kids Shelby, Kylie and Bruno will be off school, rolling joints and playing X-box. Carry a clip board and an officious demeanour and they'll just ignore you. Then remove all the internal doors from their hinges. Retreat from the house carefully but release a hungry wolverine, hyena or komodo dragon before closing the back door.


Book Reviewer
Park a Ford Transit near bye
Put some empty boxes in the back
Stick a camera on it and watch as the pikey F1 team strip it back to a shell in 5 minutes flat
Watch as they dump the shell 5 foot from their vans and then claim they've never seen it before in my life guvnor

Present film to police at a later date
Are we talking 'travelling people', or just run of the mill low-life scum?
I think that this subject has been raised before, one solution offered was to borrow farmer Giles manure spreader and liberally spray their cars, caravans etc with some nice bio degradeable pig manure.
Just don't get downwind of them afterwards.


Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
I am re-locating North next year and it turns out I will be around 6 miles from Appleby. For those who don't know, Appleby is a picturesque market town with a lovely river running through it. It's the sort of place that would usually be highly rated for it's quaint country pubs and nice town square were it not for one major drawback:

The Appleby Horse Fair. This could be described as Pikey Mecca, gippos from across the length and breadth of the British Isles congregate here once a year to get smashed, fight their cousins, fuck their cousins and buy and sell horses. Clearly I will be staying away from the town during the fair but I am slightly worried that the close proximity of my land, might be an invitation for some tinkers to plot up their caravans in one of my fields for the weekend.

Now I've thought about this for a while and wondered if perhaps I could make some money out of the fuckers and charge them rent for the weekend. Sensibility got the better of me however and I realised that entering into any sort of business transaction with a bunch of pikeys is a very bad idea. In all honesty they will probably turn up at some point, so what preventative measures do Arrsers recommend? I was thinking going for a little stroll around their camp with the following might get the point across:

Any other ideas?

Appleby Horse Fair 2010
Caltrops? Those 12-gauge 'alarm mines', suitably modified and loaded with birdshot?
Thread starter Similar threads Forum Replies Date
W The NAAFI Bar 42
IdleAdjt Current Affairs, News and Analysis 12
C The NAAFI Bar 70

Similar threads

Latest Threads