"Order the signal, Hardy" "Aye, aye sir" Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal office. What's the meaning of this?" "Sorry sir?" "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, relegious persuasion or disability. What gobbledgook is this?" "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid sir. We're an equal oppotunities employer now. We had the devils own job getting "England" past the censors, lest it be considered racist." "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco." "Sorry sir. All Naval vessels have been designated smoke free working enviroments." "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle." "The rum ration has been abolished Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking." "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead." "I'll think you'll find that there's a speed limit on this stretch of water" "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please." "That won't be possible, sir." "What?" "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that the rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected." "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy." "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral" "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd" "Health and Safety again, sir. We do have to provide a barrier free enviroment for the differently abled." "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card." "Actually sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency." "Whatever next? give me full sail. The salt spray beckons." "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?" "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy." "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral." "What? This is mutiny." "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they acually kill anyone. There's a couple of Legal Aid Lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks." "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?" "Actually, sir, we're not." "We're not?" "No sir. The Frenchies and Spanish are our European partners now, according to the Common Fisheries Policy, we should'nt even be in this stretch of water. We could be hit with a claim for compensation." "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil." "I would'nt let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that, sir. You'll be up on a disiplinary." "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King." "Not anymore, sir. We must be inclusive in this multi-cultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules." "Don't tell me - Health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?" "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment." "What about sodomy?" "I believe it's to be encouraged, sir." "In that case....kiss me Hardy."