Emperor Mong theory of why a lot of ex squaddies end up p*ss artists.

Is Bushmills talking crap (as usual)


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The Bushmills theory of why Emperor Mong is to blame for a lot of ex squaddies turning into a p*ss heads.

I have been sworn off the piss for nearly four weeks and have posted a thread in the Health section about it. Having a bit of time on my hands, I've come up with an Emperor Mong Theory of why so many ex squaddies turn into p*ss artists. It didn't seem fair to put it in a thread where you lot couldn't have fun crayoning on it so I've paraphrased it here.

I like to think of myself as a fairly rational and analytical sort of chap and I googled a few pages about "how to give up piss" a few weeks ago when I was suffering the mother of all hangovers and was quite unimpressed with most of the results.

I was very disappointed that one leading organization suggested that you should effectively pray to the tooth fairy to remove the desire for the turps, spend the rest of your life going to meetings and give up your personal power to an unqualified collective of people with nothing better to do in the evening than gas bag with fellow ex drunks.

There are a lot of obvious logical flaws put forward by this mob that you can find pretty easily on the internet. If their approach works for you, great, but it's not my cup of tea!

I am not anti- religion by any means and when sh*t scared, I have said "Our Fathers" (to myself) with the best of them. However, I've got a perfectly good religion thanks and don't want another one. I was just looking for expertise on how to tackle the specific problem of stopping drinking more than was good for me.

The one theory that I did relate to is this CORE methodology .It's explained very concisely here.
http://www.wikihow.com/Quit-Drinking-without-Alcoholics-Anonymous

"One useful way to look at a drinking problem is to view it in terms of survival instincts. As scientists have known for many years, the brain is divided into two basic parts, which we will call the human brain (you) and the animal brain (it).

Technically, the "human brain" is called the "neocortex," and the animal brain is called the "midbrain." The neocortex is a complex, conscious section of the brain. It is the part of the brain that gives you a sense of individuality - a sense of "being you." The midbrain is an unconscious section of the brain that regulates all of your survival functions, such as breathing, eating, sex, etc.
When you become dependent on alcohol, booze becomes one of the midbrain's survival drives. This happens because the animal part of the brain decides what substances are good for us based on how they make us feel. When we drink, it makes us feel very good, at least for a little while.

The conscious part of our brain knows that drinking has many negative consequences, but the animal brain does not understand this.
It thinks this way: "Alcohol = good feelings = survival." In other words, it is convinced that you need alcohol to survive. This is why it can be so hard to to quit drinking once you are addicted. The animal part of you brain thinks it will die without alcohol. Because of this, you could call it the "booze brain."

The booze brain doesn't care about what alcohol will do to your life. It doesn't care if you lose your job, your home, your family, your health, or your mind. It doesn't have the ability to even consider any of that. Its whole function is to convince you to do things for your immediate survival, and because alcohol makes you feel good when you drink it, it thinks you need alcohol to stay alive. Because it is a primitive part of the brain, that's all it knows or cares about.

If you don't understand how the booze brain works, it can easily trick the human brain (you) into drinking. That's why so many people who have a drinking problem often wonder why they keep doing it even though they know better. However, once you understand why you drink, you are prepared to take action with the CORE process"

Why did I find this particularly interesting? Well my theory is that, for those of us who have spent protracted periods in war zones, we have learnt to listen more closely to our "survival instincts" and "trust our gut" about situations more than civvies.

Therefore, if the Emperor Mong is telling us to go and have another pint in the same voice that it told us to p*ss off quick from a bazzar in Masser, Derry or Basra and we heard a sickening bang and shudder behind us three minutes later, we are probably more inclined to listen to it, than a bank clerk from Milton Keynes.

Dunno' if this theory is right, and I have zero medical expertise, but it sounds more plausible to me than praying to the tooth fairy to replace my desire for a nice glass of Chablis with an insatiable desire for Tetley tea. What do you blokes/ladies think?
 
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I think you posit a solid theory which is worthy of further study.

Oh, wait. It's trash... shouldn't bother thinking about it one moment longer.

Now where did I put that grant application info???
 
The human/animal brain theory is actually very interesting and I'd buy that, it would explain a lot of things that appear to be wrong with people and society.

Oh hang on.. NAAFI, where's me crayons...

Shit, ****, ****, bushmills is a cock etc. etc. I like Banjo's...

(I don't really think you're a cock, but you understand right? its the NAAFI, you have to say cock a few times)
 

the_boy_syrup

LE
Book Reviewer
I just thought it was because (at the time) we were young, it was cheap and we didn't spend our money on much else.
Plus every else did it to from top to bottom.
You were condsidered a poof if you didn't and all the best lads were piss heads.
 
I just thought it was because (at the time) we were young, it was cheap and we didn't spend our money on much else.
Plus every else did it to from top to bottom.
You were condsidered a poof if you didn't and all the best lads were piss heads.

Sounds like survival instincts to me !
 
I think you posit a solid theory which is worthy of further study.

Oh, wait. It's trash... shouldn't bother thinking about it one moment longer.

Now where did I put that grant application info???

I'm wondering if the Aborigines, from 40,000 years of hunter gathering, have similar thought processes to former soldiers.

Anybody know any reputable health researchers who might be interested in helping me to draft a grant proposal and undertake field research in Byron Bay or the Gold Coast?
Byron_Bay450_280.jpg
 

Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
The human/animal brain theory is actually very interesting and I'd buy that, it would explain a lot of things that appear to be wrong with people and society.

Oh hang on.. NAAFI, where's me crayons...

Shit, ****, ****, bushmills is a cock etc. etc. I like Banjo's...

(I don't really think you're a cock, but you understand right? its the NAAFI, you have to say cock a few times)

You want to buy brains? Ebay is your best bet. http://edition.cnn.com/2014/01/03/us/indianapolis-stolen-brains-ebay/
 
I'm wondering if the Aborigines, from 40,000 years of hunter gathering, have similar thought processes to former soldiers.

Anybody know any reputable health researchers who might be interested in helping me to draft a grant proposal and undertake field research in Byron Bay or the Gold Coast?
Byron_Bay450_280.jpg

I fancy having a go at walting it up as a.. erm.. 'health researcher'? You'll need to supply the white doctor long-coats though, I cant nick anymore stuff from work.
 
The human/animal brain theory is actually very interesting and I'd buy that, it would explain a lot of things that appear to be wrong with people and society.

Oh hang on.. NAAFI, where's me crayons...

Shit, ****, ****, bushmills is a cock etc. etc. I like Banjo's...

(I don't really think you're a cock, but you understand right? its the NAAFI, you have to say cock a few times)

We're all cock heads at times :=}



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Immediately after Basic and prior to joining first unit the Piss head gene is surruptiously inserted into the recipitants DNA strand thus ensuring the Instant Asshole just add alcohol formulation is thus maintained.
 

Drivers_lag

On ROPS
On ROPs
The Bushmills theory of why Emperor Mong is to blame for a lot of ex squaddies turning into a p*ss heads.

I have been sworn off the piss for nearly four blah blah blah

You develop a tolerance... your brain knows how much you like to drink if you practice for a while - like a few years in the army, f'rinstance.....

Then when you pick up a beer, your body knows just what to do - hoover another 7, or whatever the case may be. All that practice in Germany gives you a feel for having it just so - and so it continues when you leave.
 
You could try the semantics approach and not call yourself Bushmills!

Change it to something nice like Tactical Nuclear Penguin.
 

ACAB

LE
I post a selfie
father-jack1[1].jpg


I've been dry since I woke up 10 minutes ago!
 
It does kind of beg the question why alcohol would be dealt with by the survival part of your brain in the first place, when alcohol isn't something that has formed part of the evolutionary process(unless it has??). On the face of it this theory would cause most squaddies to be massive over eaters also (true in some cases! but alcoholism seems to be a more prevalent problem).
 

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