• ARRSE have partnered with Armadillo Merino to bring you an ARRSE exclusive, generous discount offer on their full price range.
    To keep you warm with the best of Merino gear, visit www.armadillomerino.co.uk and use the code: NEWARRSE40 at the checkout to get 40% off!
    This superb deal has been generously offered to us by Armadillo Merino and is valid until midnight on the the 28th of February.

Emergency contraception - alternatives

#1
So you've done the hard graft, stalked/tracked/captured the last minger standing (or more likely, squatting, taking a piss through her fanny wrappers on the dance floor) in Roxy's Gin palace or wherever.

You get back to her place/pit/den/cave after much alkyhol anaesthatised fumbling and slurping on the way.

She disrobes (like a goddess in your beer addled mind) bends over and winks at you from a single eye amongst an overgrown garden of brambles twixt her thighs, and you realise at that point you don't have a condom, and nor does she.

Now, ignoring the obvious "just smash her back doors in" alternative approach, and not wanting to go within a mile of said gopping growler without some form of wetsuit, the question is..

Have you ever had to improvise, and what with?

Tesco bag and hairy string?
Sandwich bag and scotch tape?
A good wrapping of the old fella in several lengths of black nasty?

Just wondering like...

Oh, and it's my first post - so I do hope I've suitably got the tone right for the NAAFI?

From what I recall of NAAFI's, I should add "you bunch of gopping clunge munchers"...
 
#3
When I was fifteen a girl called Mandy who was 17 led me off to a spareroom at a houseparty, showing kind defference to my lack of tangible experience she walked me through what loosely resembled a shag, as I pumped away whilst clawing at her sweater clad tits she sensed my hips starting to shake and sensually whispered 'pull out' to me, I rode on in ignorance and my voice was caught in my throat as she shouted 'PULL OUT', I fired it up her then let the dregs drop onto her mons pubis.
Sensing a bollocking I re-robed and fucked off back donwstairs like Clint Eastwood in 'A Few Dollars More', after a cup of Psilocybin in oxtail soup and a bottle of 20/20 I then visited the moon.
 
K

Kirkz

Guest
#4
Caught in that situation once in a pub car park I found a used one and turned it inside out. Unfortunately she ended up pregnant to a stranger and I caught a dose of a Doris I hadn't fucked! :wink:
 
#5
I take a more retroactive approach. Jizz up her then, if pregnancy results, kick the living fuck out of her swollen belly.

Works every time.
 
#8
If it's purely for birth control..stuff a Weetabix up her chuff.

Other than that..kick her in the cunt for not having a rubber, then wank over it.
 
#10
Speaking personally a strict regime of gin, scalding hot baths and in cases of dire emergency; "falling" down the stairs have never let me down yet.

The ability and willingness to be somewhat adventurous in one's bedroom activities also helps, and fends off premature divorce. :nod:
 
#12
Speaking personally a strict regime of gin, scalding hot baths and in cases of dire emergency; "falling" down the stairs have never let me down yet.

The ability and willingness to be somewhat adventurous in one's bedroom activities also helps, and fends off premature divorce. :nod:

I've changed my mind, you aren't Crio, you're Diana, princess of tarts. The fall down the stairs didn't work though, did it?
 
#13
ClungeBob√Cants;4204549 said:
So you've done the hard graft, stalked/tracked/captured the last minger standing (or more likely, squatting, taking a piss through her fanny wrappers on the dance floor) in Roxy's Gin palace or wherever.

You get back to her place/pit/den/cave after much alkyhol anaesthatised fumbling and slurping on the way.

She disrobes (like a goddess in your beer addled mind) bends over and winks at you from a single eye amongst an overgrown garden of brambles twixt her thighs, and you realise at that point you don't have a condom, and nor does she.

Now, ignoring the obvious "just smash her back doors in" alternative approach, and not wanting to go within a mile of said gopping growler without some form of wetsuit, the question is..

Have you ever had to improvise, and what with?

Tesco bag and hairy string?
Sandwich bag and scotch tape?
A good wrapping of the old fella in several lengths of black nasty?

Just wondering like...

Oh, and it's my first post - so I do hope I've suitably got the tone right for the NAAFI?

From what I recall of NAAFI's, I should add "you bunch of gopping clunge munchers"...
From recent film evidence the current German approach would seem to be, to put a gay bloke (no shortage of those) on the end of your knob and then fuck her with him!
 
P

PrinceAlbert

Guest
#16
I find setting them on fire with petrol does the job. 100% no-baby hit rate thus far.
 
P

PrinceAlbert

Guest
#20
ClungeBob√Cants;4205017 said:
What?!!! At today's outrageous petrol prices? Be cheaper to douse them with bloody single malt...
1 liter is all you need. Which is cheaper than a pack of durex. The fat cunts I fuck burn for weeks. I thought about putting one in a paddling pool with a wick to see if I could make a human citronella candle.

 

Latest Threads