Emergency contraception - alternatives

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by ClungeBobCants, Feb 1, 2012.

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  1. So you've done the hard graft, stalked/tracked/captured the last minger standing (or more likely, squatting, taking a piss through her fanny wrappers on the dance floor) in Roxy's Gin palace or wherever.

    You get back to her place/pit/den/cave after much alkyhol anaesthatised fumbling and slurping on the way.

    She disrobes (like a goddess in your beer addled mind) bends over and winks at you from a single eye amongst an overgrown garden of brambles twixt her thighs, and you realise at that point you don't have a condom, and nor does she.

    Now, ignoring the obvious "just smash her back doors in" alternative approach, and not wanting to go within a mile of said gopping growler without some form of wetsuit, the question is..

    Have you ever had to improvise, and what with?

    Tesco bag and hairy string?
    Sandwich bag and scotch tape?
    A good wrapping of the old fella in several lengths of black nasty?

    Just wondering like...

    Oh, and it's my first post - so I do hope I've suitably got the tone right for the NAAFI?

    From what I recall of NAAFI's, I should add "you bunch of gopping clunge munchers"...
  2. I've heard cling film recommended.... :)
  3. When I was fifteen a girl called Mandy who was 17 led me off to a spareroom at a houseparty, showing kind defference to my lack of tangible experience she walked me through what loosely resembled a shag, as I pumped away whilst clawing at her sweater clad tits she sensed my hips starting to shake and sensually whispered 'pull out' to me, I rode on in ignorance and my voice was caught in my throat as she shouted 'PULL OUT', I fired it up her then let the dregs drop onto her mons pubis.
    Sensing a bollocking I re-robed and fucked off back donwstairs like Clint Eastwood in 'A Few Dollars More', after a cup of Psilocybin in oxtail soup and a bottle of 20/20 I then visited the moon.
  4. Caught in that situation once in a pub car park I found a used one and turned it inside out. Unfortunately she ended up pregnant to a stranger and I caught a dose of a Doris I hadn't fucked! :wink:
    • Like Like x 11
  5. I take a more retroactive approach. Jizz up her then, if pregnancy results, kick the living fuck out of her swollen belly.

    Works every time.
    • Like Like x 2
  6. Just hold hands and share a sweet sherry.It will avoid all your concerns.
  7. If only I'd been given those wise words many years ago, there wouldn't be several mini ClungeBob's running around, and I'd have a bottle of something to stick in the christmas cake....
  8. If it's purely for birth control..stuff a Weetabix up her chuff.

    Other than that..kick her in the cunt for not having a rubber, then wank over it.
  9. phil245

    phil245 LE Book Reviewer

    you could always take the new morning after pill for men, It changes your blood group and DNA.
    • Like Like x 6
  10. Speaking personally a strict regime of gin, scalding hot baths and in cases of dire emergency; "falling" down the stairs have never let me down yet.

    The ability and willingness to be somewhat adventurous in one's bedroom activities also helps, and fends off premature divorce. :nod:
  11. Black Nasty works well.
    And it's practically free if your in the stores;-)

  12. I've changed my mind, you aren't Crio, you're Diana, princess of tarts. The fall down the stairs didn't work though, did it?
    • Like Like x 2
  13. From recent film evidence the current German approach would seem to be, to put a gay bloke (no shortage of those) on the end of your knob and then fuck her with him!
  14. Nothing is foolproof.

    Well, except seatbelts.
  15. The ever reliable tit-wank.

    Unless of course it's a skinny bird then you may have to use an arm pit instead.