Embarassing Relatives



I have two younger brothers. One, who is three years younger than me, is a schoolteacher, the second, who is sixteen years younger than me is a Doctor in the process of joining the Navy. Both are nice guys and are, like me, on the big and strong side. In fact the younger one has rowed for GB and Wales and is something of a fitness monster.

It's the schoolteacher who worries me though. Normally a mild mannered man, when p1ssed he becomes extraordinarily aggressive. At a recent 'Klaus Barbie' chez chickenpunk, my cousin brought her boyfriend along. He turned out to be a somewhat cocky Afrikaaner, heavily into deriding the sporting prowess of British teams. Over the course of a long hot afternoon, schoolteacher bro got stuck into a considerable quantity of the red infuriator and by about 4.00pm, the red mist descended over his eyes, and he was ready for action. There was a flurry of activity in the garden and I went out to discover that my brother was holding the Jaapie by the throat and pushing the back of his head into one of Mrs chickenpunk's 'pride and joys', a small pond which she had dug and set up herself just after I broke my shoulder.

I gently disengaged him and he stood up, saying something along the lines of 'Great, you're here, I've told this cnut that you'll fill him in...' and he then went off to refresh his wine glass. This was followed, a few minutes later, by him stalking up to my cousin, who was now crying and being comforted by mrs cp, and informing her that 'Me and my brothers are going to give that fcuking Voortrekker a right good shoeing'. Obviously, this cheered her up greatly.

The annoying thing for me in all of this was that despite him being the p1ssed aggressive one, he was actually expecting me to do the duffing up on his behalf (I'd been burning the chicken and sausages all afternoon so wasn't anything like as far gone). Is this a new medical condition: 'wifebeater syndrome by proxy'?
'wifebeater syndrome by proxy'?
Speaking as a medical person, I would say no. More an "Afrikaneer beater by proxy", or a "cock-sucker beater by proxy"........or maybe that your family is rather maladjusted and just downright weird :wink:
Well, apparently:

You'll never meet a nice South African,
But that's not bloody surprising man,
They're a bunch of arrogant bastards,
Who don't like black people
There are many last lines, it all depends on which verse you are doing,

as another last line in the song is

' with no sense of humour'
Your sibling sounds like a perfectly decent bloke to me. I wish I'd had the gumption to deck every arrogant Australasian/ Afrikaans pr1ck I'd met at a BBQ. I'd have very sore knuckles, having lived in Southwest London (where the diaspora seems to have settled) for over ten years until recently.

Your brother should be sent to one of these tough inner-city comprehensives forthwith to dish out brutal Sven Hassel-type penal discipline to unruly youth.

I won't discuss my embarrassing rellies, apart from my uncle who did a five stretch for forgery and handling. He's dead now, but apparently was quite well behaved at barbeques.

Not so much embarrassing as just hilariously stupid....

Had a day off work yesterday and had the family over along with some skiving friends. After a lazy afternoon in the sun, drinking and eating to our hearts content, a game of spoof was suggested.

Now I have 4 brothers, one of which is not the sharpest tool in the box, but he is great to be around.

We all held out our clenched fists and called our numbers - and the conversation went something like this.....

Moody: Erm, 7
Bro 1: I reckon 6
Bro 2: I say 9
Moodys Ex/BF: Fcuk off spakkos, Spoof
Bro 3: Erm, hang on, um, yeah 2

Moody: Ok show your hands

Moodys hand - Empty

Bro 1's hands - Empty

Bro 2's hand - Empty

Moodys Ex/BF hand - Empty

Bro 3 's hand - 3 coins!!!!

Cue uncontrolable laughter and snot bubbles galore

Moodys Ex/BF: You dumb cnut, shotgun that can before we lynch you :lol:

I love my bro - but when I went into labour with my son he called my contractions 'sideattractions' and he still calls radiators 'raidiheaters' - Bless him :D
Thursday evening my doorstep was darkened by a blast from my service past. There with a plum poking through his fly was my old mucker 'Ruth' (named due to having surname of an famous author'

He demanded we go and drink beer due to him moving to the states with work.

I got my leave pass sign and with a condition... This was that I stay in a hotel as its likely that I will swamp or worse soffocate my 18 months old rugrat.

The night went swimmingly and many people were offended and bollocky dancing cleared the floor of a new club.

The following morning I woke up in a dry bed but my clothes were absolutley trashed.. I got a spare set from my bag and met Ruth for brekkie. He gave me an XDA2i which when mentioned thought was a cheap shite jap sports car but on closer inspection was a pocket PC. Chuffed with the shiney gizzet I thanked him. We had to go to PC to get a memory card so I could put GPS on it and him being the IT guru threatened to tell his wife about his hooker problem if he didn't help.

PC world was relatively busy and whilst we stood at the checkout he grinned at me with a still semi p1ssed look on his face and handed the checkout girl a debit card and said 'Do you take this or this then looked her in the eye before emitting what can only be described as a big boy trump. A very loud and chrisp 'Parp' His face didn't move other than the obvious movement caused by the opening and closing of his socket.

I was genuinley embarrased and the girl behind the counter didn't know what to do. Many looked over from thier geeky shopping trip to see was responsible. Ruth looked at her again and said 'Mmmm deep breaths its beautiful' with that I apologised to her and bypassed him and waited outside.

As he exitted the store the security gaurd held the door open for him and as a reward Ruth offered him a treat too and then saw the offer through by squeezing out another Boff.

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