Email funnies in here.

Discussion in 'The Lamp and Sandbag II - The Tall Story Strikes B' started by FunkyNewBlood, May 4, 2005.

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  1. 50 THINGS WOMEN CAN'T DO ........

    1. know anything about a car except its colour

    2. understand a film plot

    3. go 24 hours without sending a text message

    4. lift

    5. throw

    6. run

    7. park

    8. fart

    9. read a map

    10. rob a bank

    11. resist Ikea

    12. sit still

    13. tell a joke

    14. play pool

    15. pay for dinner

    16. eat a kebab whilst walking

    17. pee out of a train window

    18. argue without shouting

    19. get told off without crying

    20. understand fruit machines

    21. walk past a shoe shop

    22. make a decent bacon sandwich

    23. not comment on a strangers clothes

    24. use small amounts of toilet paper

    25. let you sleep with a hangover

    26. drink a pint gracefully

    27. get a round in

    28. throw a punch

    29. do magic

    30. like your friends

    31. enjoy porn

    32. eat a really hot curry

    33. get to the point

    34. buy plain envelopes

    35. take less than 20 minutes in the toilet

    36. sit in a room for five minutes without saying "I'm cold"

    37. go shopping without telephoning 20 mates

    38. avoid credit card debt

    39. dive into a pool

    40. assemble furniture

    41. roll a bogey between finger and thumb

    42. set a video recorder

    43. not try and change you

    44. watch a war film

    45. understand why flirting results in violence

    46. spend a day by themselves

    47. go to the toilet by themselves

    48. buy a purse that fits in their pocket

    49. choose a video quickly

    50. get this far without having argued with at least 1 of
    the above
     
    • Like Like x 1
  2. Hahahaha, so true (no offence)
     
  3. Don't you claim to be a child? WTF do YOU know about women?
     
  4. Kill him Dozy - Kill him.

    I bet he can't drink, type, be on the phone and smoke all at the same time. Multitasking - I ask you :roll:
     
  5. Mrs WH makes the best Bacon Sandwiches ever :D
     
  6. Ill say true true true to them all except no: 31 :D
     
  7. Auld-Yin

    Auld-Yin LE Reviewer Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    Surely this thread should be to the TOP 50 things women can't do :!: :twisted:
     
    • Like Like x 1
  8. Nice one Funky, all true
     
  9. Girls - your answers please.

    Sluggy xx
     
  10. You can't handle the truth!
     
  11. An essential guide which I received via email... :)



    As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, the following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

    CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make
    sure the smell has left your pants.

    FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

    ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

    JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

    COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. (yep..guilty)

    WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

    OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

    THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

    SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

    TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

    CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

    ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

    WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
    water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

    HAVANAOMELET -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

    UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees
     
  12. its very roger mellie! so heres a couple more

    aqua fresh:- A skidmark created on the inside of trousers of someone wearing a g string. I.E the stripes two diffrent colours.

    Fart sauce:- the rancid sauce accompanying a wet poo.
     
  13. I'm a woman and there are only 8 out of those things that I can't do... Can every man in the world do all 50? If so, can he do them all at once??
     
  14. Yes


    Late addition

    51. Fly helicopters without pishing themselves due to the vibration.
     
  15. The following advisory for American travellers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centres for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travellers only.

    General Overview
    France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not very good shopping.
    France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louver and Euro Disney. Among its contributions to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine.

    Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people wilfully persist in speaking French, many will speak English if shouted at. As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times.

    The People
    France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and those are their good points.

    Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behaviour. Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and they kiss each other when they hand out medals.

    American travellers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colourful trousers for easier mutual recognition.

    Safety
    In general, France is a safe destination, though travellers are advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on much as before.

    A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to flee to London.

    History
    France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Chouteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.

    Government
    The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts' municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths, and floor tiles.

    Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted, frankly. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains.
    According to the most current State Department intelligence, the President now is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.

    Culture
    The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes. And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel.

    Cuisine
    Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travellers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.

    Economy
    France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-calibre weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

    Public Holidays
    France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days.
    Other important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day January 12), the Feast of St. Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November 12).

    Conclusion
    France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it weren't inhabited by French people. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany.

    A Word of Warning
    The consular services of the United States government are intended solely for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such as McDonald's, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event that you are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at least the loss of a limb, report to the American Embassy between the hours of 5.l5 am and 5.20 am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular official who is supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a list of qualified dentists or something similarly useless.

    Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take our holidays at Miami Beach, and you are advised to as well.

    Good luck.