Email funnies in here.


1. know anything about a car except its colour

2. understand a film plot

3. go 24 hours without sending a text message

4. lift

5. throw

6. run

7. park

8. fart

9. read a map

10. rob a bank

11. resist Ikea

12. sit still

13. tell a joke

14. play pool

15. pay for dinner

16. eat a kebab whilst walking

17. pee out of a train window

18. argue without shouting

19. get told off without crying

20. understand fruit machines

21. walk past a shoe shop

22. make a decent bacon sandwich

23. not comment on a strangers clothes

24. use small amounts of toilet paper

25. let you sleep with a hangover

26. drink a pint gracefully

27. get a round in

28. throw a punch

29. do magic

30. like your friends

31. enjoy porn

32. eat a really hot curry

33. get to the point

34. buy plain envelopes

35. take less than 20 minutes in the toilet

36. sit in a room for five minutes without saying "I'm cold"

37. go shopping without telephoning 20 mates

38. avoid credit card debt

39. dive into a pool

40. assemble furniture

41. roll a bogey between finger and thumb

42. set a video recorder

43. not try and change you

44. watch a war film

45. understand why flirting results in violence

46. spend a day by themselves

47. go to the toilet by themselves

48. buy a purse that fits in their pocket

49. choose a video quickly

50. get this far without having argued with at least 1 of
the above
DozyBint said:
Silent_Scope said:
Hahahaha, so true (no offence)
Don't you claim to be a child? WTF do YOU know about women?
Kill him Dozy - Kill him.

I bet he can't drink, type, be on the phone and smoke all at the same time. Multitasking - I ask you :roll:


Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
Surely this thread should be to the TOP 50 things women can't do :!: :twisted:
Nice one Funky, all true
FunkyNewBlood said:
1. know anything about a car except its colour True

2. understand a film plot False

3. go 24 hours without sending a text message True

4. lift False

5. throw False

6. run False

7. park False

8. fart True - we don't have the confidence

9. read a map False

10. rob a bank false

11. resist Ikea False

12. sit still True

13. tell a joke False

14. play pool False (ask them bikers in Kingsbridge)

15. pay for dinner False

16. eat a kebab whilst walking False

17. pee out of a train window True - why would you want to

18. argue without shouting False

19. get told off without crying False

20. understand fruit machines False

21. walk past a shoe shop True

22. make a decent bacon sandwich False

23. not comment on a strangers clothes True

24. use small amounts of toilet paper True

25. let you sleep with a hangover False

26. drink a pint gracefully False

27. get a round in False

28. throw a punch False

29. do magic False

30. like your friends False

31. enjoy porn True

32. eat a really hot curry False

33. get to the point False

34. buy plain envelopes False - I steal them

35. take less than 20 minutes in the toilet False

36. sit in a room for five minutes without saying "I'm cold" False

37. go shopping without telephoning 20 mates True

38. avoid credit card debt False

39. dive into a pool True

40. assemble furniture Very false

41. roll a bogey between finger and thumb True

42. set a video recorder False

43. not try and change you True

44. watch a war film False

45. understand why flirting results in violence Definitely false

46. spend a day by themselves False

47. go to the toilet by themselves False

48. buy a purse that fits in their pocket False

49. choose a video quickly False

50. get this far without having argued with at least 1 of
the above False
Girls - your answers please.

Sluggy xx
FunkyNewBlood said:
1. know anything about a car except its colour False, I have changed my oil and tires myself, freak!

2. understand a film plot False we read the reviews beforehand!

3. go 24 hours without sending a text message True but then I work in the telecom industry

4. lift False, bend from the knees

5. throw True, unless it's objects at men!

6. run, True, big boobs make it harder to run!

7. park, True, valet parking.

8. fart, False, just don't leave the brown crusty stains like men!

9. read a map, True, because we have Garmin to direct us.

10. rob a bank, True, why rob a bank when you can just take your ex to the cleaners!

11. resist Ikea, True, see 4 because gotta get your stuff into the truck!

12. sit still, True, ants in our pants!

13. tell a joke, False, we all know how funny a guy is when he's trying to chat us up.

14. play pool, False, good sailoring = good pool playing!

15. pay for dinner, False, that's why we have expense accounts!

16. eat a kebab whilst walking, True because we don't think that getting food on our shirts is that great.

17. pee out of a train window True

18. argue without shouting False, we can't argue without shooting you stupid!

19. get told off without crying False, again shooting you!

20. understand fruit machines True, don't understand them

21. walk past a shoe shop False, online shopping means they deliver them to you!

22. make a decent bacon sandwich False, see WH's comment

23. not comment on a strangers clothes True

24. use small amounts of toilet paper True but then we at least replace the toilet role.

25. let you sleep with a hangover True, what the hell were you doing drinking?

26. drink a pint gracefully False, everything a woman does is graceful. Anyways why would a guy want to drink anything graceful unless you're like receiving bum sex?

27. get a round in False, anytime sucker!

28. throw a punch Fasle, see 27.

29. do magic True, like I want to be dressed in a tux!

30. like your friends False, especially the really cute ones!

31. enjoy porn False, only with attractive people though.

32. eat a really hot curry True because we don't need to sweat out our food and smell like it either!

33. get to the point False, dude you're the one with a list of 50!

34. buy plain envelopes False, for anonymous letters!

35. take less than 20 minutes in the toilet True, we like washing our hands.

36. sit in a room for five minutes without saying "I'm cold" False, some of us live in the tropics, doesn't get cold here.

37. go shopping without telephoning 20 mates False, again internet shopping!

38. avoid credit card debt False, just get a higher paying job!

39. dive into a pool False, we can cannonball but don't have the ass mass that most men have!

40. assemble furniture False, love Ikea, total contradiction

41. roll a bogey between finger and thumb False, we have more delicate fingers and roll anything between them!

42. set a video recorder False done that many a time for plenty of dudes!

43. not try and change you True because you're a bunch of losers who need improvement!

44. watch a war film False, especially when cute actors are involved.

45. understand why flirting results in violence False, only if you flirt with another woman, then all hell will break loose!

46. spend a day by themselves True, why should we, you're suppose to keep us company?

47. go to the toilet by themselves False, translation checking out the bar for hotties while you're thinking we're going to the bathroom!

48. buy a purse that fits in their pocket True, yeah like you want to grab an ass and feel a wallet or maybe you do????

49. choose a video quickly False, anything with Brad Pitt, instant buy!

50. get this far without having argued with at least 1 of
the above
True because it's a bunch of shit!
You can't handle the truth!
An essential guide which I received via email... :)

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, the following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make
sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. (yep..guilty)

WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANAOMELET -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees
its very roger mellie! so heres a couple more

aqua fresh:- A skidmark created on the inside of trousers of someone wearing a g string. I.E the stripes two diffrent colours.

Fart sauce:- the rancid sauce accompanying a wet poo.
The following advisory for American travellers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centres for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travellers only.

General Overview
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not very good shopping.
France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louver and Euro Disney. Among its contributions to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine.

Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people wilfully persist in speaking French, many will speak English if shouted at. As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times.

The People
France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and those are their good points.

Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behaviour. Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and they kiss each other when they hand out medals.

American travellers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colourful trousers for easier mutual recognition.

In general, France is a safe destination, though travellers are advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on much as before.

A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to flee to London.

France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Chouteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.

The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts' municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths, and floor tiles.

Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted, frankly. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains.
According to the most current State Department intelligence, the President now is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.

The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes. And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel.

Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travellers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.

France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-calibre weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

Public Holidays
France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days.
Other important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day January 12), the Feast of St. Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November 12).

France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it weren't inhabited by French people. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany.

A Word of Warning
The consular services of the United States government are intended solely for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such as McDonald's, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event that you are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at least the loss of a limb, report to the American Embassy between the hours of 5.l5 am and 5.20 am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular official who is supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a list of qualified dentists or something similarly useless.

Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take our holidays at Miami Beach, and you are advised to as well.

Good luck.
There is only one thing France should host and that is an invasion - they are very good at that and the americans should then feel equally at home - however, i feel that they (the french that is) should speak english as a mark of respect to those that have dug them out of the sh*t on at least two recent occassions
Apologise in advance if posted before! :roll:

Mike Hallett on Sky Sports discussing snooker during a match where Steve Davis kept missing easy pots "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edward's tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

DURING the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, the commentator observed: "Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green."

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

USPGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.... Oh my god! What have I just said?"

David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics - "And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

(non sports) Chris Tarrant discussing the first Who wants to be a Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

Brian Johnston commenting on an englad v windies test match - the bowlers holding the batsmans willey and same commentator bothman couldnt get his leg over (refering to when he tripped over his stumps)
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"

Operator: " Doesn't the product give you a clue?"
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

Dell Computers:
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?"

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f*****g stupid to own a computer!!"


December 14, 1972

My Dearest Darling John:

Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.

My love always,


============== December 15, 1972

My Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love,


============== December 16, 1972

Dearest John:

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.

All my love,


============== December 17, 1972

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.


============== December 18, 1972

Dear John:

What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,


============== December 19, 1972

Dear John:

When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbours are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.



============== December 20, 1972


What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny anymore. So stop giving me the birds!



============== December 21, 1972

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the h*ll am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their d&mn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and there's no room left in my own house.

Just lay off me, smart%ss!


============== December 22, 1972

Hey Sh#thead:

What are you? Some kind of a sick sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The un-milked cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds.

What am I going to do? The neighbours have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours!


============== December 23, 1972

You rotten pr*ck:

Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sl&ts, ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhoea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why my home shouldn't be condemned.

I'm calling the police on you!


============== December 24, 1972

Listen F@ckhead:

What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy.

I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

You're sworn enemy,


============== December 25,1972

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict upon our distraught client, Miss Agnes McMahon. The constant, incessant fiddling caused her to have a complete and total mental breakdown.

All future correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McMahon at the Happy Times Sanatorium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.

With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.


Law Offices of
Badger, Banter and Bludgeon

And now for

Cutbacks The New Policy

Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.


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