'Elf 'n'Safety at Xmas

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Jokes' started by Fiasco, Sep 13, 2010.

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  1. Health & Safety and Equality Considerations for Christmas Songs

    Jingle Bells
    Dashing through the snow
    In a one horse open sleigh
    O'er the fields we go
    Laughing all the way


    A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note: permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered noise pollution.


    While Shepherds Watched
    Their flocks by night
    All seated on the ground
    The angel of the Lord came down
    And glory shone around


    The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs must be made available. Shepherds have also requested that, due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year, they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated observation huts.
    Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his/her glory all around she/he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.

    Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
    had a very shiny nose.
    And if you ever saw him,
    you would even say it glows.


    You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.


    Little Donkey
    little donkey on the dusty road
    Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load


    The RSPCA have strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.


    We three kings of Orient are
    Bearing gifts we traverse afar
    Field and fountain, moor and mountain
    Following yonder star


    Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient's name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
    We would advise that the traversing kings do not rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of AA Routefinder or GSP navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.

    Away in a Manger No Crib for a bed -

    Social Services will visit and may remove any child to a place of safety pending further action against parents, or other persons, who may be found to be guilty of neglect by not providing adequate bedding and shelter for a child in their care. Criminal proceedings may be instituted after a case study has been carried out and fully discussed at a full meeting of the appropriate Social Services Committee.