Earthquake hits Liverpool!!!!!!!!!

#1
An earthquake measuring 5.7 on the Richter scale hit Liverpool last Wednesday
morning. The epicentre was Bootle. Casualties were seen wandering aimlessly
saying "bang out of order", "mental" and "that did my 'ead in".

The earthquake decimated the area, causing in excess of £17.50 Worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementoes from Ibiza and
Corfu were damaged beyond repair. Three reserved areas of
Historic burnt out cars were destroyed and many locals were woken before their
giros arrived.

One resident, Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15 year old mother of four,
Said "It was such a shock. Little Chardonnay-Leigh came running into
My bedroom crying. My hands were shaking so much I could hardly skin up
While watching Trisha".

The British Red Cross has so far managed to send 4000 crates of
Sunny Delight to the area to help with the crisis. Rescue workers
Are still searching through the rubble and have found numerous
'Elizabeth Duke' sovereigns, benefit books, bone china from Pound Stretcher And
Argos catalogues. However, they have still not yet managed to save any
furniture from Crazy George's.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal hopes to raise money for food and clothing parcels for
those unfortunate enough to be caught up in the disaster.
Clothing is most sought after. Urgently needed are Lacoste tracksuits
(preferably
His and hers), white socks, burberry caps, woolly beanie hats and classic
Reebok trainers. Food parcels are also needed. They include McCains
Micro Chips, Aldi Beans, Monster Munch and Iceland Pizzas. Alcohol is also in
short supply - especially White Lightning Cider and Carlsberg Special Brew.

CASH DONATIONS ARE ALSO NEEDED

22p buys a Bic biro for signing on
£2.50 buys a jumbo sausage dinner
£3.00 buys a "knock-off" CD
£20.00 buys a fake MOT Certificate(or 10 gallons of petrol to burn The vehicle
out) £26.00 buys 200 Regal from Tommo, who has just got back from Kavos
 

OldSnowy

LE
Moderator
Book Reviewer
#7
I got this sad, sad, e-mail at work today. It really made me think...


"With all the news on TV lately about the extreme weather conditions affecting the South Coast of the US, floods in central Europe, the mud slides in the Middle East and South America, along with the dire predictions made by such films as "The Day After Tomorrow", we shouldn't forget that England has its share of devastating weather too.

I've attached a photo illustrating the damage caused to a friend's home from a storm that passed through Southern England last night. It really makes you cherish what you have,and reminds us not to take things for granted.

God bless us all.






 
#8
Nice one Snowy - far more subtle and certainly more original
 
#12
Its worse.

Liverpool City Centre has just been devasted by a huge bomb, which caused £29 billion worth of improvements.
 
#13
redfox475 said:
Maybe, as a Scouser I did'nt like the sick joke!
well you'll hate these then ;-)

Q: Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?
A: Because if it walked it would be mugged

Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Merseyside?
A: Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.


Q: What's the difference between a Scouser and a coconut?
A: One's thick and hairy, and the other's a coconut.


Q: What's the first question at a Liverpool pub quiz night ?
A: What are you looking at?


Q: What do you call a scouser in a White Shellsuit ?
A: The Bride


Q: Define confusion
A: Fathers day in Liverpool

Q:Why did Gerard Houllier go to Argos?
A:It's the only place he could pick up Premier Points.

Q. Why do pigeons fly upside down over Liverpool?
A. Because there's nothing worth shitting on.

Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
A: So they ain't mistaken for a scouse women.

Q:What's long, scouse, and goes around corners?
A:The Dole queue.
 
#14
The first Plane load of Scousers has left John Lennon Airport for New Orleans to assist with the looting.
It has also been revieled the flooding was caused by a Suicide Plumber.
 
#15
whaddya call a Scouser in a 3 bedroom semi: Burglar.
Scouser in a suit: The Accused.
 
#16
Oh and these ;-)

http://www.uk-r.co.uk/files/Scouse_Fairy.jpg







;-)

Scouse Eggs
Two Scousers riding along the East Lancs Road on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them.

He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave. "R hey lad" they say "gissa lift".

The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.

Sure enough PC Plod pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs. The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look.

He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it . He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the bastards have managed to nick a motorbike already".


Daz
 
#17
Daz,

Great joke about the scouse eggs, i haven't heard that one, but redfox475 won't like it as it involves a degree of humour.
 
#18
Yes_Sir! said:
£20.00 buys a fake MOT Certificate(or 10 gallons of petrol to burn The vehicle
out)
10 Gallons for £20? How old is this joke? :D
 
#19
redfox475 said:
Maybe, as a Scouser I did'nt like the sick joke!
Nothing sick about that mate, just good old fashioned humour, bet you can't stand Jack Dee either.....
 
#20
sparkysapper said:
Daz,

Great joke about the scouse eggs, i haven't heard that one, but redfox475 won't like it as it involves a degree of humour.
sparky, i had noticed that http://www.arrse.co.uk/cpgn2/Forums/viewtopic/t=22387.html makes you wonder why he/she/it trawls the Naffi bar if he/she/its so diffy in the humour dept ;-)

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty scousers showed up. Never having seen anyone from Liverpool at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous from the group.
A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone."
"What? All of the Scousers are gone?" asked God.
"No" replied Saint Peter "The Pearly Gates!"

At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke - 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the queer fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian.
Leaning over, he cups his huge ear: "Do you want a blow job?" he whispers.
At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened.
Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that" he says. "Just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies. "Something about a job."

One day a scouser dies so before he goes to heaven he arrives at the gates of St Peters.
"Age?" Peter asks.
"24" the little scouser replied.
"Where did you live?"
"Well, um, Liverpool"
"Were you blue or were you red" asked St. Peter.
"Red till I died" replied the scouser.
"Sorry no scousers allowed into heaven they are all robbing little twats!"
"But but I have done good things."
"Like what?"
"Well, last week I gave a tenner to the homeless the week before that I gave a tenner to oxfam and the day I died I gave a tenner to the heart foundation!"
"Well I will see what I can do I will go and explain the situation to God."
After half an hour out comes St. Peter followed by god who is wearing a united shirt.
"Right I heard what you have done with all the good causes what with giving away thirty quid to charity and I have come up with a solution" God said.
"What is it?" asked the scouser.
"Well, here is your thirty quid now piss off!"

now that should get him going ;-)
 

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