DYK index of intoxication

#1
This evening I have drunk 6 pints of Exmoor Beast (6.6%) and 5 double bourbon and cokes (Buffalo trace 45% ABV)

On attempting to enter Chez Walt using my keys (the servants were asleep, they will be thrashed in the morning) I dropped my keys no less than 3 times.

=Scoring 3 on the DYK index.(Dropped Your Keys)

This is most unusual for me.

Considering the amounts drunk, is there any scientific corellation to units drunk and how often one drops their keys at the domestic doorstep?

So, in order to find the answers in this woefully under researched area I am proposing, as a scientific unit of measure, the DYK index of intoxication.

Of course I need field agents, such as the good members of Arrse to provide me with empirical data and field reports.

Please note: That if you have to close one eye in order to get the key in the door lock, that counts as one unit.

Thank you.
(For reading this drivel)
 
#2
ppfffft!

Keys?!!! I hear tell some of the army refer to them also as "Alt-bergs".
If you need a piece of metal to get through a door after a night on the beer then you sir...are a puff! A puff who remembered his manners also by even trying to use a key...that makes you a double homo.

Webley...GO!
 
#3
This is a wah fcuk the keys your powers of typing on a keyboard, making sense, spelling and grammar are A1. Consider yourself passing with flying colours......unlike me.
 
#4
supermatelot said:
ppfffft!

Keys?!!! I hear tell some of the army refer to them also as "Alt-bergs".
If you need a piece of metal to get through a door after a night on the beer then you sir...are a puff! A puff who remembered his manners also by even trying to use a key...that makes you a double homo.

Webley...GO!
You havent seen my front door. I live in a high crime area. You'd need a challenger tank to smash down my front door, never mind altbergs!

RearWords said:
This is a wah fcuk the keys your powers of typing on a keyboard, making sense, spelling and grammar are A1. Consider yourself passing with flying colours......unlike me.
You have no idea how long it took me to type this without speeling msitaeks
 
#5
I live in a high crime area.
Your being french has fuck all to do with this...you are still officially a puff!

Try an attempted suicide..then post the highlights!

<Edit...I'm pissed>

Sorry mate :soldier:
 
#6
walt_of_the_walts said:
supermatelot said:
ppfffft!

Keys?!!! I hear tell some of the army refer to them also as "Alt-bergs".
If you need a piece of metal to get through a door after a night on the beer then you sir...are a puff! A puff who remembered his manners also by even trying to use a key...that makes you a double homo.

Webley...GO!
You havent seen my front door. I live in a high crime area. You'd need a challenger tank to smash down my front door, never mind altbergs!

RearWords said:
This is a wah fcuk the keys your powers of typing on a keyboard, making sense, spelling and grammar are A1. Consider yourself passing with flying colours......unlike me.
You have no idea how long it took me to type this without speeling msitaeks
Nope don't believe you...I'm only half way down the drinks quota and I'm having trouble seeing the keyboard.

I have trouble getting the key in my lock usually cause the damn light keeps going off....
 
#8
RearWords said:
walt_of_the_walts said:
supermatelot said:
ppfffft!

Keys?!!! I hear tell some of the army refer to them also as "Alt-bergs".
If you need a piece of metal to get through a door after a night on the beer then you sir...are a puff! A puff who remembered his manners also by even trying to use a key...that makes you a double homo.

Webley...GO!
You havent seen my front door. I live in a high crime area. You'd need a challenger tank to smash down my front door, never mind altbergs!

RearWords said:
This is a wah fcuk the keys your powers of typing on a keyboard, making sense, spelling and grammar are A1. Consider yourself passing with flying colours......unlike me.
You have no idea how long it took me to type this without speeling msitaeks
Nope don't believe you...I'm only half way down the drinks quota and I'm having trouble seeing the keyboard.
Well I've just opened a bottle of port. Lets see who folds first :D
 
#9
walt_of_the_walts said:
RearWords said:
walt_of_the_walts said:
supermatelot said:
ppfffft!

Keys?!!! I hear tell some of the army refer to them also as "Alt-bergs".
If you need a piece of metal to get through a door after a night on the beer then you sir...are a puff! A puff who remembered his manners also by even trying to use a key...that makes you a double homo.

Webley...GO!
You havent seen my front door. I live in a high crime area. You'd need a challenger tank to smash down my front door, never mind altbergs!

RearWords said:
This is a wah fcuk the keys your powers of typing on a keyboard, making sense, spelling and grammar are A1. Consider yourself passing with flying colours......unlike me.
You have no idea how long it took me to type this without speeling msitaeks
Nope don't believe you...I'm only half way down the drinks quota and I'm having trouble seeing the keyboard.
Well I've just opened a bottle of port. Lets see who folds first :D
Port...I see you're going for the hard stuff then! :lol:
 
#11
am not french?
That has to be the most bizarre riposte
D'accord. D'accord.

YOU ARE A CLOSET FROG AND IN TRUE ARRSE FASHION I CLAIM MY 5 POUNDS (STERLING)
 
#12
walt_of_the_walts said:
Not that hard but easily drinkable. I once did a whole weekend on nothing but. It flew by...
Admit it you don't remember the weekend do you. I'm a lightweight by comparison. I've just drunk a bottle of wine on top of a mix of spirits, now thats dangerous.
 
#14
You Crabfat cnuts!!!...Get the feck off arrse!!!!

Arrse is for Army...and pissed up matelots - Not blokes with "hair products".


<Rustles Telegraph etc>
 

the_boy_syrup

LE
Book Reviewer
#15
Cyprus 94 proper pissed couldn't get the flat door opened as the keys didn't work
Kicked it in
Flat mate and myself enter clutching Doners and gettin ready to prepare tonights drunken war film
Thought this looks a bit more posh than we left it

Right block wrong floor
Returned next morning with cheque book to fund repairs
 
#16
RearWords said:
walt_of_the_walts said:
Not that hard but easily drinkable. I once did a whole weekend on nothing but. It flew by...
Admit it you don't remember the weekend do you. I'm a lightweight by comparison. I've just drunk a bottle of wine on top of a mix of spirits, now thats dangerous.
I remember rather too much actually. I remember the party where I basically blew the chance of a shag with a huge tittted brunette because I was too drunk to fcuk. I remember spewing in the kitchen sink of my mates new house. I remember being awoken by a concerned policeman in a public park the following sunday morning. I remember that same sunday afternoon, sitting in the pub with my mates having a comedown pint of Guiness or six...

...that this is fcuking great fun.... :D
 
#17
supermatelot said:
You Crabfat cnuts!!!...Get the feck off arrse!!!!

Arrse is for Army...and pissed up matelots - Not blokes with "hair products".


<Rustles Telegraph etc>
I'm not a crab - I know one actually a few but their not here.
 
#18
davyskuller said:
supermatelot said:
am not french?
That has to be the most bizarre riposte
D'accord. D'accord.

YOU ARE A CLOSET FROG AND IN TRUE ARRSE FASHION I CLAIM MY 5 POUNDS (STERLING)
Eh!?
It must be telepathy or ESP. He's got me there. Yes, I am a closet frog. Their women. Their cinema, some of their food. I like their wine and I like absinthe and Ricard. Their language, which is so easy on the ear compared to the rest of the EU. I also like the fact that they have the highest rate of cirrhosis of the liver due to alcoholism in the EU, which shows a proper contempt to the health nazis. But, despite their addiction to the electric soup, they don't have drunken chavs vomiting on every street corner. The drink maybe killing them, but at least they do it with decency, decorum and style.

Vive la France :salut:
 
#19
I see your having to edit walt thats not a good sign shows your forgetting things - hows the port?

I agree about the French, they drink with style. Introduce their children to drink at an early age (with water) so they respect alcohol later in life. We should do that in the UK.
 
#20
RearWords said:
I see your having to edit walt thats not a good sign shows your forgetting things - hows the port?
2/3rds of a bottle to go.

Anyway, I need your DYK indices.

Or I'm never going to get my Phd from the University of Neasden (formerly Neasden College of Hairdressing)
 

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