Duties of a best man

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by postman_twit, Oct 3, 2011.

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  1. Some numpty has decided to ask me to be a last minute stand in for his best man.

    I've been to very few weddings and as far as I can remember my duties will be:

    1. Shag the chief bridesmaid.

    2. Shag the bride's mum.

    3. Make the bride cry.

    4. Make the groom angry.

    5. Upset everyone with the speech.

    Have I missed anything?

    Seriously though, what apart from the speech, will I be expected to do?


  2. Its the law in Australia that you have to lick the cake be sick on the brides shoes, and tell the whole family about his hooker exploits,....or maybe thats just me
  3. what about starting a mass brawl with the brides family? thats always a winner
  4. 7. Shit in the kettle in the honeymoon suite
  5. Take the aforementioned groom out on his bucks night. Get him shit faced tar an feather him and put him on a train to some disease ridden town.

    Get in a blue with the brides cockhead brother.

    Shag bridesmaids/brides mum (at the same time while brides dad watches).
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  7. Keep the Bride away from the Groom as he shags his Ex he invited along.
  8. Get him there on time, then make sure he doesn't do a runner before midnight. After that he's not your problem.
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  9. Defecate into the bride's father's pint of bitter whilst he talks to the caterers. On his return present him with the pint commenting "that bitter tastes shite".

    A true tale from a squaddie wedding in the 1990s, and no I wasn't the dumper or the bride's father.
  10. Start a fight and retreat to the bar.
  11. Your job is to provide protection and stop the bride's family from interfering.

    Seriously, in medieval times the best man was the best fighting man in the village. Him and his mates (ushers) were there to provide security.
  12. Prime Job - Phone the bride the morning of the wedding and tell her the Groom has changed his mind and the wedding is off, she will find it hilarious eventually
  13. 8. Buy a load of tacky Elizabeth Duke trinkets to dish out as gifts to the Bridesmaids. (Caution: Too much trash might have a bearing on how much clunge you might get to pound later-on)

    9. For the Grooms Mother, a beautiful bouquet of flowers to match her outfit. For the Grooms future MiL get (ideally from the local cemetery) a bunch of scraggy half-dead flowers. Tescos petrol station forecourt is your best bet. Always good to maintain an equalibrium from the start.

    10. Fill the Honeymoon Suite's jaccuzi with a pot plant, thus reducing it to a muddy bubbling swamp (true story, although not mine to claim)
  14. Don't forget to remind the bride that she'll put on half a stone for every year of marriage.
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