Dumping on disabled toilets is for winners.

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Ballbag8669, Mar 7, 2013.

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  1. Our toilets were being cleaned, and I needed to unload some sludge. The options available were the ladies and the disabled toilet. It is generally frowned upon for a bloke to enter a girls loo without the express permission of a drunken town tart, and one wasn't to be found so I opted for the disabled one. It proved to be a rewarding experience.1. The tolet seat is higher than normal which makes for a more comfortable visit but the benefits do not stop there. Your nipsy is therefore further from the water; a good 24 inches compared with the measly 15 of a standard loo. This means deposits have time to gather more speed before they hit the water. This results in a thoroughly impressive plop, and the risk of splashback is greatly reduced due to increased anus/water distance.2. You are the only person in the room. This means that you know that any odour is of your making, and you can analyse it for nuanced notes and constituent parts. On this occasion, the smell was particularly awful, initially at least, but opening my olfactory senses allowed me to identify notes of garlic, chilli and just a hint of lemon. The complexity of this perfume would have gone unnoticed in a more public toilet, masked as it would have been by 'other mens flowers'.3. Although not made best use of on this occasion, there are bars and arm supports available. Imagine this situation. You are trying to part with a leviathan and it seems like it is coming out side ways. In any normal loo you arms would be flailing around uselessly. Not so in the disabled loo. You can grip on to the bars and really get some purchase, these constitute a significant weapon in this particular battle. When combined with the standard tactics of wrapping a tie around your forehead to stop sweat getting into your eyes, and putting your wallet in your mouth so that you can bite down without fear of shattering your teeth, you can be confident that the bastard will be parted successfully.This correspondent will be making more use of accessible toilets in future.
     
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  2. Do it all the time mate, for added entertainment and shock factor at the moment of release pull the emergency assist alarm, its good to share.....

    WW
     
  3. My Radar key is my passport to pooing paradise.
     
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  4. so true, but for added kudos always use public shitters.
    Always remember to take along a book(paperbacks are handy or porno mag) and a handy pack of 20 Marlboro, no whining non smokers, so smoke at pleasure and also if so inclined the tipple of your choice in order to while away an hour of midday boredom whilst the wife is shopping etc.

    When finished said dump, empty your sack all over the bogseat then proudly march out in a cloud of smoke, straight past the queue of red faced wheelchair mongs and carers, and visualize their faces of disgust as they see your tardis sized turd mixed in with your jizz in the shitter, along with the fag ends and empty bottle/cans strewn all over the floor.

    you just can't beat it.
     
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  5. Pure comedy gold.
     
  6. The disabled loo is also the gentleman's choice for a spot of impromptu fornication due to the size of the room allowing mroe positions, the aforementioned grab-rails to support said positions, and the extra privacy afforded (especially key if she is a nosiy one). Again, the look on drivers of chariots faces as two of you exit is great.
     
  7. hotel_california

    hotel_california LE Book Reviewer

    Disabled toilets are my choice when pissed - hoists to pull my self upright, grab rails while chucking-up in the sink...
     
  8. You can always go into a changing room at M and S and, when someone walks past, call out in a frail and wavering voice, 'excuse me, there's no paper in this toilet,' guaranteed to get a reaction.
     
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  9. Word of warning when pissed, don't pull red chord thinking it's a flush and don't fall asleep afterwards if you don't like crowds seeing you half-naked on the Gary Glitter.
     
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  10. bog.jpg
    Instructions followed
     
  11. AlienFTM

    AlienFTM LE Book Reviewer

    I read somewhere not so very long ago that actually it's better for you to squat with your arse closer to the ground as (iirc) it puts less strain on the musculature and reduces the risk of Farmer Giles in later years (oh how I wish I had read this a few decades ago).

    But hey if we went down that road we'd end up with Johnny Foreigner cludgies, so maybe not a good idea.
     
  12. So, you are currently on a NEBOSH course and determined to impress us all with the detail?

    I've never known anyone to have a no2 in the less abled bodies loos in my building. Can get into them for secretaries having sex with their managers. The durty lucky wee hoeerrrs.
     
  13. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    Beaten to it. The waist level mirror for wheelers to do their Barnet offers interesting possibilities.
     
  14. Don't forget to neatly clingfilm the bog, having first removed the light bulb and add a few drops of superglue to the bog seat.

    Leaving a turd inside the loop of the towel roll is also very popular, almost as funny as the fishing line/last bogroll disappearing under the door sketch.

    Putting a swimming pool chlorine tablet in the cystern and spirits of salts (Hydrochloric acid solution) in the bog pan provides a spectacular toxic gas cloud flush!

    Frog/arab bogs are best, plenty of superglue on the footplates either side, especially the raised versions, view later to enjoy the shreds of shoe sole and broken teeth debris.
     
    • Like Like x 3
  15. There not called 'Disabled shitters' anymore, the new PC correct term is 'Non-Ambulatory Facilities'.