Dumb Jokes

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A woman walks into a bar with a parrot on her shoulder. Bartender says "Nice Parrot"
The woman replies, "thank you he's very special. I'll fukc everyone in the bar if one person can guess the parrots weight".
A patron says "I'll guess the parrot weighs 10 pounds"
Woman replies "that's close enough......."
A man walks into a bar accompnaied by a monkey.
The bartender says "Hey, no monkeys allowed" The man, visibly upset by this, declares the monkey is well trained, and won't cause any trouble, begging for him to be allowed to stay. The bartender consents, conditionally.
After a moment, the monkey walks over to the billiards table, and promptly swallows the que ball. The Bartender screams 'I knew it, that that damned monkey out of here!'

Two weeks later, the man walks ito the bar, accompanied by a monkey. The bartender says to him 'I know you and your monkey, you are not welcome here' to which the man claims that it is a different monkey, better trained than the first, and all he needs is a bowl of peanuts to stay quiet and not bother anyone.
So the bartender consents to let the man and his monkey stay, and gives him a bowl of peanuts.
The monkey takes a peanut, sticks it in his arrse, then removes it and eats it down.
The bartender seeing this, says 'Hey, that is a gross disgusting thing to do, what is wrong with your monkey?'
The man replies 'I'm so sorry, I lied about him being a different monkey. You see, after the que ball incident, he always checks what he eats for size.'


A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.

"I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort."

"That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?"

"Right!" said the drunk, still crying.

"You're sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her,right?"

"Oh, No," said the drunk. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!"
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